Page 5

FIVE

ADRIAN

WHERE DO I STAND?

Day 453

I run a towel through my curls as I step out of the shower. The steam hangs heavy in the bathroom, clouding the mirror. With more force than necessary, I take my towel and wipe away the condensation, revealing my reflection. I wish I could wipe away the disappointment twisting in my gut just as easily.

Part of me knows Farron wasn’t thinking—but that’s the problem. She didn’t think to ask for help. She didn’t think about what leaving us behind might mean.

When we arrived in that town, and I heard that scream, my worst fears crashed into reality. Farron, out there on her own, with no backup and no way to protect herself. My stomach churns at the memory. I slam my fist against the counter, the sharp sound cutting through the quiet. I can’t look at my reflection anymore. My gaze drops to the floor as another thought gnaws at the edges of my mind. Is that what happened to my family? Did they find themselves surrounded, with no escape and no way to fight back?

What if we hadn’t arrived in time? What would’ve happened to Farron?

My gut is rolling with nausea, and I feel like I could hurl any minute. I think what made this whole situation worse was seeing Farron’s face when she finally realized all the hurt she’s caused, but not understanding it before. Has everything with us been a lie? Since day one, I’ve opened my heart to her and gone at her speed, never pushing for more. But I thought through all that, we were still going somewhere . I thought this relationship was more than just sex, but maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I’m just the guy who gives a laugh and nothing more. I never once doubted us, Farron and I, but now…now, I don’t know where I stand with her. Am I just here to fill a void and nothing more?

I shake those negative thoughts from my head as I make my way back to my room. I grab a thick black sweater, black jeans, and a pair of boots. I sit on the end of my bed while contemplating what to do. Theo and I didn’t talk much when we left Farron in the barn, but I know he’s angry and hurt as well. I figure I should go find him and Kenji and talk about what happened, what happens for us.

Stepping out of my room, I head toward Theo’s. Turning the knob, I peek my head in, expecting to find him alone on the bed, but I’m surprised to see Kenji there too. The two of them are deep in conversation, Theo’s expression resigned and heavy.

From what I’ve observed of Theo and Farron’s relationship, it always seemed peaceful—effortless, even. They slid into each other’s lives like it was meant to be like there was no other way things could have gone. Now, though, Theo looks as bad as I feel.

I can’t help but wonder if he’s questioning everything, too.

They both look over at me as I step inside the room. Theo nods his acknowledgement, and Kenji mumbles out a quiet greeting. He looks lost in thought, and I wonder what happened when he stayed back with Farron after Theo and I left the two of them.

As if Kenji can read my thoughts, he says, “Will you guys come to Farron’s and talk?”

I give him another puzzled look before asking, “You’re calm about this?” I shake my head, disbelief twisting in my gut. Out of the three of us, Kenji’s the one who’s always butting heads with Farron. And now, what? He’s playing the peacemaker?

“Trust me, I’m pissed,” he says, his voice tight, “but she knows she messed up and wants to talk. And I think we all need this.” Kenji sighs, his movements a little slow and choppy as he gestures with only one hand.

I look over at Theo and give him a look, only to find he looks as dumbfounded as I do, because what in the zombie apocalypse is happening?

“What the fuck, K? You’ve been against this whole thing since the beginning.” I let out a deep breath I wasn't aware I was holding, feeling like I’m going crazy here.

Kenji looks down at his feet, like he’s ashamed of his actions from prior. “I know, and I’m still struggling, but I also care about you two and how this is affecting you guys.”

“Let’s go talk to her,” Theo chimes in while looking like he wants to do anything else but talk to Farron.

“Are you sure? We don’t have to right now—we can cool off a bit,” I reply, looking for any kind of out.

Theo shakes his head resolutely. “I’m ready.”

I guess we’re doing this.

Kenji leads the way to Farron’s cottage with determined steps. I want to be shocked by his actions, but I know that he always puts Theo and me before everything else, so I just have to trust him. He hasn’t said anything about his sling and I've been so twisted up in my own thoughts that I haven’t even asked him how he’s doing after the fall. He looks fine, though, one arm in a sling as he walks towards the path that leads to the little cottage that I was so excited about on my first morning here. I remember waking up and eagerly making breakfast because I just wanted a chance to talk to Farron. Now, I feel my steps falter as I make my way towards that same home, unsure about everything.

When we approach the door, Theo and I stay back as Kenji knocks. Magnum barks and rushes to the door, his nails clicking against the hardwood floor inside. My chest tightens with anticipation, and I hold my breath when Farron finally cracks the door open. Her eyes are downcast, and she steps back to let us in.

As she does, I can’t help taking her in, cataloguing every inch of her to make sure she really is okay. She’s finally showered, the rotten blood scrubbed off of her freckled skin and out of her gorgeous curls, which are still damp. She’s barefoot, clad only in a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt. My sweatshirt. Damn it. All I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and keep her safe, but I force myself to hold back. I need to know where we stand before I give her anymore of myself.

“Come in,” she says softly. Kenji steps through first, resting a hand on her shoulder briefly as he passes. Magnum trails after him, just as eager as ever. Theo and I, however, stay rooted in place, watching her. She finally looks up at us, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears, and waves tentatively. Theo offers a small, hesitant smile and steps inside. I follow, feeling her gaze linger on me a moment longer.

Kenji has claimed the single chair in the living room, Magnum in his lap, leaving the couch for the three of us. Great, I guess we’d better get cozy for this. Farron hesitates when she walks over, twisting her hands nervously before she perches in the middle of the sofa. She looks smaller than usual, like she’s folding in on herself. I follow suit, sitting on one end of the couch while Theo does the same on the other. The silence feels heavy, charged with everything we all need to say but haven’t yet.

Farron starts to speak, her voice low. Her hands move in tandem as she tries to sign for Theo. “I’m sorry.”

Theo watches her, his gaze fixed but distant. His shoulders stiffen, and for the first time, I see something in him I’m not used to—hurt. His lips press into a thin line, and he looks down, adjusting his glasses before brushing a hand over his face, removing the evidence of his tears.

“I was so scared, Star,” he signs, his movements sharper than usual. I see Farron’s eyes tracking his hands, but I speak his words aloud to make sure she knows what he’s trying to tell her. “I thought you left us. Left…me.” He pauses to swallow, his fingers trembling slightly. “Why would you do that? What if something happened to you? What if we couldn’t find you? Do you know what that would have done to me?” Theo’s pain is so evident as he tries to convey to Farron just how badly she hurt him, and it makes my chest ache.

“Farron,” I say, my voice tight. She flinches at the sound of her name, and it twists something in my gut. But I can’t call her Sunshine right now, not until I know. I take a steadying breath. “I thought we meant more than this. I thought we were building something together, all of us. But now, I don't know where I stand with you anymore. And it’s killing me.”

Tears are rolling down her cheeks freely now, and her breath comes out in a jagged gasp. It hurts to see her like this, but I can’t pull her into me, can’t wipe those tears away yet. I need her to speak. She pulls her hands close to her chest, like she’s bracing herself for something heavy. Finally she whispers, “Kenji, can you sign for me?”

Kenji nods, setting Magnum down before sitting forward. I know it’s going to be awkward for him to sign with one arm in a sling, but he’ll make it work, even if it means having to use his good hand to fingerspell. Farron’s voice wavers, but she presses on. “I wasn’t thinking. I—I don’t know how to apologize for running off like that. If I’m being honest…I wasn’t thinking of anyone but Holden.” At the mention of his name, she chokes back a sob. Her hands tighten into fists in her lap, but she forces herself to continue.

“It was reckless. I know it was. I didn’t mean to hurt you, didn’t mean to make you worry, but I see now. I see how much I hurt you, and I’m so, so sorry.”

I clench my jaw, the tension inside of me building with each word she says. Her recklessness could’ve cost her life. I can’t stop the flood of emotions—the fear, the anger, the relief. Standing abruptly, I pace a few steps, my thoughts too loud for me to keep still. “I get it,” I say, my voice sharper than I intended, my hands moving along. “I understand, more than anyone, what it’s like to hold onto that hope. I’ve lived it. But you have to understand that my family, my loved ones, are in this room. I can’t…I can’t lose any of you. Not now, not ever.”

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realize that I basically just declared my love for Farron out loud, but I keep going. I stop in front of her and kneel down, my hands reaching for hers. Her hands feel cold and clammy in mine, giving away just how anxious she’s feeling. I reach up to gently tuck a stay curl behind her ear, my fingers lingering against her skin. “I need to know where we stand, Farron. I need to know that this—what we have—is real.”

She stands up, walking away to face the wall for a moment as if gathering her thoughts. My heart rate spikes as I watch her, and I move to sit back on the couch next to Theo in silent anticipation. After a moment, she walks back towards the couch and lifts her hands, cradling my cheek with one, while the other moves to rest against Theo’s face. In the corner of my eye, I see him stiffen, but he doesn’t pull away. “I’m in this. With all of you. I know I can’t keep running away from the people who care about me. I’m choosing my happiness—I’m choosing you.”

Her words are like a balm, easing the ache in my chest. But there’s pain in her eyes, the weight of letting go of Holden, the hurt of closing that chapter of her life. I know what that feels like, and it’s not easy. Theo must see the pain in her eyes, too, and he has to be holding onto more anger than I ever thought possible—because he pulls back from her.

Kenji and I exchange a concerned glance before I turn my head fully to watch Theo, waiting for his next move. Theo’s not an angry person, not someone who holds grudges. His behavior right now is unlike anything I’ve ever seen, and my worry grows.

Theo’s eyes stay fixed on the floor, his tongue pressing hard against the inside of his cheek as he seems to pick his words. His hands slowly come up, but then he starts signing, his movements rough and fast in his frustration. I immediately ready myself to be Theo’s mouthpiece.

“I’m still mad, Star,” he starts, his eyes finally looking up towards her, his gaze hard. “I want to forgive you and move past this because I know you’re worried about Holden. But I don’t understand how you could do this to us. I don’t understand how you could just disregard the three of us so easily…”

“I’m so sorry, Theo,” she says, her voice breaking. “I feel awful knowing I hurt you guys the way I did. I just…I couldn’t handle being the reason another one of my loved ones dies. If there was even a chance that Holden was alive out there and needing my help, I had to take the chance.”

“You’re always blaming yourself for everything ,” Kenji speaks up from where he’s still seated. “Enough is enough, Farron. I told you to lean on us.”

“I know that, I know . But you don’t…” she starts and stops, heaving out a frustrated sigh as she wipes the tears from her cheeks. “You don’t get it. I feel guilty all the time, I know how much lays on my conscience and what I have to blame myself for. I already blame myself for Holden leaving and for my parents—” she cuts herself off abruptly, stopping whatever she was going to say. I see Kenji narrow his eyes behind her, and I’m about to push her further, when she starts speaking again, her eyes focused on something in the distance. “I know what I did this morning hurt you, and trust me, I’m blaming myself for that, too.”

I hear Theo let out a quiet sigh next to me, and he stands up, moving forward until he’s right in front of Farron. His hand cups the side of her neck and he brings his forehead against hers. His lips ghost against hers for a second before he pulls back and steps away again. “I don’t want you to blame yourself, Star. I don’t want your guilt to eat you up alive. I forgive you, okay? And I want you to forgive yourself. I just want you to trust us more, to lean on us.”

“I want that, too,” she whispers. “I just need you to be patient with me. Please. I’m trying.” Her voice cracks on the last word, and her eyes shut as if she’s trying and failing to stave off all of the angry and self-deprecating thoughts that are swirling around in her mind.

Behind her, I see Kenji stand up. He looks between Theo and I, making sure he has our attention, before his hands start moving. His right hand is doing most of the work, even when he tries to use the left one for some motions. “ I talked to her earlier, and she admitted to being overwhelmed, to feeling like her brain can never shut off. I want to try something now, to clear her mind, to help her relax and show her that even if we were upset, we’re not leaving her. You good to follow my lead?”

I nod and see Theo in my peripheral doing the same. Kenji then slowly walks up behind Farron, pressing right up against her. Looks like today is taking a turn I could have never expected.