Page 33

THIRTY-THREE

FARRON

THE PHONE CALL

Day -1

Paramore’s Decode is blasting at an obnoxiously loud volume over the speaker in my small apartment as the last remnants of tonight’s sunset bathe the space in a hue of orange. I put my hands on my hips and huff out a laugh of frustration as I take in my surroundings, knowing I have no one but myself to blame for this ridiculous mess. An array of bowls, pots, and measuring cups line the counter and tower in the sink, just waiting for me to clean up.

Despite living on my own for years now, I just can’t manage to downsize when I’m cooking. I also can’t manage to do what all culinary experts recommend; clean as I go. So here I am, on another one of my nights off, stuck with a mess in my kitchen. Knowing I won’t even be able to touch my dinner until I get this chaos sorted, I roll my sleeves up and get going.

With each dish I scrub clean and get on the drying rack, a little bit of the tension leaves my body. My mind wanders towards clinic tomorrow, and I begin to mentally check off a few of the things I have on my to-do list and the furry patients I’ll get to care for. It’s going to be a busy, likely overwhelming day, and I find myself glad that, like always, I’ll have plenty of leftovers from dinner tonight to pack for lunch.

After finishing up with the dishes, I move to quickly clean up the rest of the small kitchen so I have one less thing to worry about before I settle down on the couch for a Twilight and dinner date with myself. I’m just finishing wiping down the counters when my phone begins to buzz on the coffee table in the living room a few feet away.

My heart sinks for a moment at the interruption, knowing who’s most likely calling me. With a heavy sigh, I drop the rag and cleaning spray on the counter, pause the music playing over the speaker, and walk over to the coffee table, bracing myself as I pick up the phone. "Mom" flashes in bold letters along with a picture of us from a few years ago, smiling in one of the meadows on the ranch.

I take a deep breath, my fingers hovering over the answer button. I know what’s coming - another heated discussion about my choices, another round of blame aimed to guilt me for leaving them behind, for making their lives more difficult. It’s always the same conversation with her lately, and it’s becoming more difficult for me to stomach.

Steeling myself, I answer the phone.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Oh, Farron, honey. I’ve missed your voice. How are you? What are you doing?”

“I’m good. I just finished up with dinner and was cleaning up a bit when you called,” I tell her as I make my way back into the kitchen. “What are you guys up to?”

“I’m just waiting for your father on the porch. He should be making us some tea right now.” I can almost hear the smile in her voice as she speaks. “You know, Farron, your father and I have been talking, and we really think you need to consider coming back home as soon as you’re done with school.”

“Mom,” I sigh. “We’ve been over this. I’m only a few weeks into my fourth year, and I need to focus on clinics and school. I can’t think about what I’m doing after when I need to focus on what I’m doing now.”

“I get that, sweetie, I do.” She says, her tone sympathetic. “But we’re going to need your help back at the ranch. Your father’s not getting any younger, and you know your grandfather can only help for so long.”

“I know, Mom. I get it, and I appreciate everything you guys do and have done for me. But I need to focus on vet school, and then eventually figure out what I’ll do from there. I have dreams and goals bigger than the ranch, Mom…” I trail off, picking up the rag and cleaning spray to finish the job I started in the kitchen before she called.

“We all have dreams, Farron,” my mother snaps at me before her tone softens. “But family comes first, honey. What we’ve built here is important, too. You should be a part of this with us, not hundreds of miles away for the rest of your life.”

“I never said it isn’t important, Mom, bu?—”

“And what about Holden?” my mom interrupts. “You’re not the only one who has to make sacrifices or consider others, Farron. That’s all your brother ever does. You can’t really be selfish enough to leave him behind without a second thought.”

“That’s not fair,” I breathe out. “I’m not trying to leave Holden behind or make things more difficult for him.”

“Maybe not, but you are,” Mom snaps out.

It’s silent for a few tense moments, long enough for me to realize I’m still mindlessly wiping the counter in circular motions. I’m able to put the cleaning spray and rag away before I hear anything on her end of the call. I hear her take some deep breaths before she continues.

“Just think about it, okay?” she says to me.

“Yeah, Mom, I can think about it. But it’s not going to change how I feel. I wish, for once, you would just try to understand me instead of trying to change me and make me something I’m not. I wish you’d respect me trying to build a career for myself. Every time you call me to berate me or pressure me, it makes me not want to ever return to the ranch.”

“Farron…” she says, sighing. The discontent is clear in her voice. “Don’t say that. You know you belong here with your family. You don’t have to make this so difficult.”

“Difficult?” I scoff, unable to hold back any longer. “I’m the difficult one? Mom, you call me every few days just to guilt me over the fact that I’m here at school and not with you guys. You make me not want to come back.”

Silence permeates the line once again, and I can just imagine my mom’s face as she struggles to hold herself back in this moment from arguing with me further. I’m riled up now, tired of feeling like a punching bag for her, so I continue on.

“You know what, Mom? Just because you spent your whole life stuck on the ranch with no dreams other than being some silly little housewife, doesn’t mean that I want that. I have goals and I don’t want to end up with the same pathetic life as you.”

I regret the words the second they’re out of my mouth, but I can’t take them back.

Another beat of silence.

“I can hear your father on his way here, so I’m going to go now. Take care of yourself and I’ll talk to you later, sweetie. We love you no matter what, okay? ” I can hear the tears in her voice, and she stays on the line for a moment, likely waiting for me to tell her I love her back. When I don’t, she finally ends the call, leaving me in silence.

I feel my shoulders slouch, and I make my way back into the living room before sinking into the couch, the call with my mother weighing on me. It feels like every conversation we’ve had for weeks now has been a battle, my mom’s words a relentless campaign to guilt me and get me to do what she wants.

I bury my face in my hands, my fingers tangling in my hair as a frustrated groan escapes. I can’t help the guilt gnawing at me for how the call went. I know I shouldn’t have said everything that I did to her. I know that all my comments aren't fair to her. I hate the thought of disappointing my parents, and I hate the thought of hurting or disappointing Holden even more.

But at the same time, I can’t ignore my own feelings or desires to carve out a life for myself. A life I want to live, with a career I enjoy. A life that I carve out for myself entirely from my own capabilities and hard work.

As I sit on the couch in silence, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be able to escape the expectations my parents have for me. If I’ll ever be able to experience true freedom. I heave out a deep breath and wish that, just for once, I could focus on my future without worrying about my parents or having to think about what they want.

Every time she calls and tries to guilt trip me, I become more determined and set in my decision. I’m not returning to Rolling Hills ranch. Not now, and maybe not ever.