Page 38

THIRTY-EIGHT

FARRON

BURROWED BENEATH

Day 534

Fear. Its bitter stench kept Rolling Hills in its grasp for a long time, and still, I can scent it in the air. After a slightly heated and uncomfortable town hall a few days ago, there was an agreement to move forward with another potluck. Everyone is tired of feeling cooped up, of feeling terrified. Ever since Eric and Ma passed, nothing’s been amiss. There hasn’t been a single sign of outsiders, and a few people argued that we had to keep living, not cowering in fear.

I’m hoping that if outsiders were messing with us, they’re long gone now, moved on elsewhere, or maybe eaten by zombies outside of our perimeter line. Maybe they went into one of the abandoned towns nearby only to never make it out.

The Alden barn is decorated with wildflowers that have been braving and blooming despite the harsh winter, lights strewn about. Janie must have had the kids doing some art projects the last few days in preparation for Valentine’s Day because even though it’s the apocalypse, it looks a little bit like Cupid threw up in here. On the walls and pillars are poorly colored drawings of hearts and flowers, and there are little Valentine’s Day card quips on some of them. One of the kids even made a hand turkey but colored it in with pink and red to make sure we knew exactly what holiday we’re celebrating soon.

It’s sweet, although I’m finding myself lost in my thoughts, watching the guys as they interact. When we walked in, Adrian’s eyes lit up with joy as he took in the barn and the kids’ work. Theo’s hand grasped his chest when Janie’s oldest kid, Sammy, approached him and gave him a hand-drawn card, pointing at his forehead and then at Theo. Janie and Rick’s youngest, Aaron, ran up to Kenji, stopping to pet Magnum before immediately demanding that Kenji pick him up.

As I stand near a pillar to the side and watch the guys, Daisy by my side, with her hand over her belly, I can’t help but wonder if this is what the guys want. Kids. A family. We haven't exactly discussed it—I mean, why would we? We’ve barely been figuring out our relationship and dynamic during a fucking zombie apocalypse; it’s not exactly the right time to throw kids into the mix.

But now my chest feels tight at the notion that this might be something they want, and I don’t know that I’m ready to give it to them. My belly swoops as I watch Kenji with Aaron, jostling him around and making the small boy giggle loudly. I’ve never imagined myself as a mother. It’s never been something on my list. I was focused on getting out of here, on getting the education I wanted. Then, I was focused on surviving, on making it back to Rolling Hills, and on strengthening and helping my community. I…I don’t know if motherhood is something I want in the future or even at all. If it’s something I could ever be ready for.

But, I think if I did choose that for myself, I would want it to be with them.

“Hey,” Daisy says, softly nudging me with her shoulder and pulling me out of my own head. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I tell her, shaking my head to dispel the remaining thoughts and shooting her a small smile. “I was just lost in thought. Totally fine, though.”

She snorts in response before speaking again. “You’re such a shitty liar, Farron.”

I flick her hair and shoot her a phony scowl. “Don’t call me out like that, Daze. I will be fine, okay? I promise,” I tell her before turning to the table of refreshments and making her a small plate of food, grabbing some of everything for her. I turn back and grab one of her hands, pulling her toward an empty table on the other side of the barn. “Come on, you need to get off your feet and eat a little.”

“Ugh,” she says, though she follows me anyway, sitting down at the table before shooting me a look. “You’re all coddling me lately.” I watch as she attempts to get herself comfortable in the chair, moving around until she finds that sweet spot.

“As we should be,” I say, pushing the plate toward her. “You only have a few more weeks to go, I think. And then little baby Daze Junior will be here.”

She chokes on the little bit of food in her mouth, and I realize it’s Miss Mabel’s hash—something I definitely shouldn’t have scooped onto her plate. I’m unsure if her reaction is to the hash or what I just told her, but she quickly clarifies it. “I am not naming my baby Daisy Junior, you psychopath.”

I shrug at her, my eyes roving back over to the guys momentarily before returning to Daisy. “You can name it Bigfoot if you want to, and I’ll love it just the same.”

Daisy’s eyes fill with tears, and I squeeze her hand in affection, reminding my friend that she’s not alone. She takes a shuddering breath and shakes her head, quickly brushing her stray tears away before reaching out to grab my hand. “Of course, you’re going to be Aunt Farron,” she says, punctuating herself with a squeeze of my hand. “I am not changing all the diapers on my own.”

I erupt into laughter before waving her off. “Daze, your little baby is going to have so many uncles. What are they good for, if not diaper duty?” She laughs in response, then focuses on her food, making some small talk with me, even though I keep finding myself a little distracted, my eyes drawn to that exact spot in the barn where my guys are.

Everyone mills about for a while, drinking, laughing, enjoying themselves. It’s been a pretty loud night, a bit raucous, but now everyone’s quieting down to see what’s about to happen. Kenji’s positioned towards the back of the barn near the makeshift stage we usually use during town halls, seated on a hay bale that Adrian or Todd must have put up there just to mess with him, his guitar on the floor next to him.

Half of Kenji’s hair is tied up, like always, revealing the tips of his ears, which have turned pink—the only indicator that he’s nervous about being up there. Adrian and Theo have been trying to convince Kenji to play for weeks, ever since January’s potluck, and ended up enlisting Todd, Jay, Jasper, and Peter to pester him, too. Despite all of their attempts, Kenji was adamant that he would most certainly not be playing his guitar for all of Rolling Hills. That is, he was adamant until I told him I thought it would be fantastic if he ever chose to do it, to share his talent with the whole community.

I guess that’s all it took.

Now he’s up there, ears tinged pink, as his eyes scan the crowd before landing on me. He clears his throat and gives a wry little grin that doesn’t look like it belongs on his face even a little bit. “Since I’ve been practically forced by a few people here to get up and perform, I’m here. I’ve never said I was amazing, so if you feel the need to cover your ears, you can blame those goons in the corner over there,” he says, nodding over to the table with the drinks where Adrian, Theo, Todd, Jay, and Jasper are all gathered.

Adrian shoots Kenji a wink and blows him a kiss, yelling, “You’ve got this sweetheart! Sing me a love song!”

Todd joins in, just as bad as Adrian, shouting, “Make me swoon, Cowboy Kenji! Knock our boots off!”

Kenji just shakes his head in response, biting back an exasperated grin. “You all see what I have to deal with?” Everyone laughs, and Kenji waits for everything to quiet down before meeting my eyes again. “I figure since Valentine’s Day is coming up, and Miss Janie and all the kids did such a good job decorating, it only makes sense to start with a bit of a love song. I’ve been really lucky; finding my way to Rolling Hills and then meeting someone who changed my life, changed me . So this one is for someone special, the woman who owns me, heart and soul. Don’t think I need to name any names,” he finishes, a faint heat working its way into his cheeks as everyone in the crowd hoots and hollers in response—Miss Mabel somehow the loudest.

His hands start strumming against the guitar, a beautiful melody playing out. It sounds familiar, but I’m not able to register what song he’s playing until he opens his mouth and starts singing. And fuck , was I ever unprepared to hear his voice. I don’t know why he ever let Adrian take over and sing during our campfire a few months back. His voice is so deep and raspy, hitting me straight to my core and causing goosebumps to break out across my flesh. But it’s the lyrics of the song and the way his eyes bore into mine as he sings, that has me clenching my fists, my breathing picking up, my heart pounding out of my chest.

“Whenever I'm alone with you…You make me feel like I am home again…”

Tears well up in my eyes as memories come back of my mom and dad in our house when Holden and I were kids, dancing to this song in the kitchen when mom was making dinner. Dad used to love pulling out their vinyls when he finished his work on the ranch early, and he would always go to the kitchen to pull Mom into his arms, insisting that a dance break was good for the soul. I would watch them with a smile, Holden and I occasionally covering our eyes and screaming out ‘gross!’ when they would inevitably share a sweet kiss. As I got older, I hoped I’d have a love like that one day.

Now, with Kenji singing this song in front of everyone, but for me , I feel something settle in my chest, warmth spreading through my entire body as a soft smile takes over my face. My eyes search out Theo and Adrian again, and they’re both focused on me already.

“However long I stay, I will always love you… Whatever words I say, I will always love you…”

Kenji hasn’t told me he loves me like the other two, but it seems this is the moment. Like he’s telling me how he feels in a way that comes naturally to him, that makes it easier for him to open up. My hands are shaking in my lap and my heart feels like it will beat its way straight out of my chest. Because I already knew I loved Kenji.

With Adrian, love feels light, almost like a breath of fresh air. He’s happiness itself—bright and easy, like sunlight breaking through clouds. It’s funny that he calls me Sunshine when that’s what he is to me. Adrian makes me laugh, lifting the weight off my chest. He treats me delicately and makes me feel like it’s safe for me to be soft.

With Theo, love feels like honey: warm, sticky, and so, so sweet. Theo makes me feel like it’s okay to break down my walls and be vulnerable, and he lets me speak and rant with no fear of judgment. He always listens, open, unguarded, unwavering. He makes me feel warm and happy, and Theo’s love for me is like a gift I’m not sure I’ll ever truly deserve.

But with Kenji, love crept in quietly. He’s burrowed under my skin without warning, and despite our early arguments and clashing, he’s become my anchor. Kenji steps in, strong and unyielding, exactly when I need him. It’s like he knows me better than I know myself. He’s not scared to challenge me or confront me where no one else will, and with him, I’m allowed to be sharp and angry and rough—he accepts it, he takes it all, and he smooths me out.

Daisy nudges me with her elbow, and when I look, I can see that her own eyes are filled with tears. I know she’s thinking about Eric right now and wishing he was here with us, and my heart breaks a little knowing this is the first Valentine’s Day in years that she’s spending without her husband by her side. She gives me a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, but I know her words are genuine and straight from the heart when she speaks. “You deserve to be loved like this, Farron. Loudly and deeply. I am so happy for you.”

I don’t know what to say, so I simply squeeze her hand in response, and she leans closer to me to rest her head on my shoulder. When Kenji finishes his song, everyone applauds, and I can see his cheeks turn pink at the attention. Todd and Adrian jeer him on for more, and everyone else catches on, cheering just as loudly. But no one is as loud as the kids, who practically beg for more. So, Kenji complies, strumming another love song, this one more upbeat than the last.

The night wears on, everyone enjoying themselves. Kenji eventually stops playing and climbs down to join the other guys. I decide to give him a moment before I go over to pull him away, to steal him all for myself. He gives me a look from across the barn that’s full of heat, letting me know he hasn’t forgotten about me. Not even a little bit.

Daisy lets out a big yawn next to me, and I turn to her instantly. “Are you tired? Do we need to take you home so you can rest?”

She waves me off immediately despite yawning again as she does so. “I’m always tired lately, Farron, you know that. I’ll be fine for a little while longer. I want to enjoy the night with you. I don’t have very many potlucks left before the baby comes, and I have to be on mom duty constantly.”

She has a point, but I still don’t want her to overexert herself this far into the pregnancy. I want everything to go as smoothly as possible for her. I need it to. I open my mouth to respond but don’t get a word out before a shadow falls over us, and a voice interrupts what I am about to say.

“Farron?” Trevor’s voice rings out, and Daisy and I both direct our attention towards him, finding him standing next to our table, watching us. His eyes are a little shifty and he’s fidgeting with his hands, like he’s nervous or unsure. Trevor is one of my least favorite people, but something about him tonight feels particularly off.

“Can I speak with you outside?” he asks. Daisy and I share a look, and I open my mouth to tell him he can speak to me right here, but he once again beats me to it. “It’s about the shed. I need to talk to you so we’re not overheard… Please.”

I narrow my eyes, taking him in for a moment longer before deciding. If he knows something, I need to figure out what it is. The safety of everyone at Rolling Hills takes precedence, always. My decision is easy.

“Okay,” I tell him, nodding my head. “Daisy, I’ll be right back, and we’ll get you home soon. Stay off those feet!” I give her what I hope is my most encouraging smile, and she smiles back, although it’s stiff, not reaching her eyes.

I stand up and turn away from the table, following Trevor outside. I look towards the guys, but they’re all talking amongst themselves, so no one notices me walking out. I’m not worried, though—if they get worried and want to know where I am, Daisy can let them know. Trevor walks out the barn doors and makes his way around the side of the barn, down to the back of it. When we finally get behind the back of the barn, he stops and turns to face me. He doesn’t speak immediately; instead, he just stares. The evening air is freezing, causing a shiver to run down my spine. I shift slightly from foot to foot, feeling my irritation grow as he doesn’t speak.

“So?” I snap at him, wanting him to get to it already. “You said you had to talk to me. Talk.”

“Before I tell you, there’s something I need to do first,” he says cryptically. Unease slithers down my spine as he stares at me, and I take a step back from him before I even realize what I’m doing. It’s a mistake because it puts me closer to the barn wall right at my back. Trevor crowds my space, his eyes wild and his breathing uncomfortably heavy.

“Trevor, what the fuck are you doing?” I ask him, moving to step away from him. He gets even closer, putting his arms on either side of my head and trapping me against the barn.

“I’m doing what I should have done a long time ago,” he says, his face getting closer to mine. I turn my head to the side, away from his. Avoiding his crazy stare and his lips, which were getting far too close to mine. “You’re meant to be mine, Farron. Mine! Do you know how long I’ve fucking waited for you? I’ve played nice, I’ve given you space, I’ve given you time. And what do you do? You ignore me and instead give it up to three men you barely even know?!”

His words send a sharp pang of fear coursing through me, so cold it feels like ice in my veins. The barn wall behind me is rough and unyielding, pressing into my back as Trevor leans closer, his face contorted with something dark and twisted. Something possessive. I press myself back as far as I can, desperate to melt into the wood, to disappear, to be anywhere but here.

I swallow, my throat tight. “Trevor, you’re out of line—” My voice cracks, betraying the fear I don’t want him to see.

He ignores me, his eyes flashing with something feral. His hands rise, brushing down my shoulders and sliding over my arms in a mockery of a caress. It’s rough, claiming. Every muscle in my body tenses, freezing up as his fingers creep downward, so slowly, as if he’s savoring this moment where he’s finally got me trapped. His hand finally settles over my chest, squeezing so painfully that it makes me flinch, but still, I can’t move. I feel trapped, like a rabbit caught in a snare, staring up at the hunter who intends to tear me apart.

The memory strikes like a bolt of lightning. I’m back in the woods, surrounded by shadows, surrounded by their laughter, their hands. I feel that same helplessness clawing at me now, stealing my breath and rooting me to the ground.

“Trevor, stop—” I manage, my voice barely a whisper, but the word dies as his mouth comes closer. He leans in, his nose brushing the side of my neck, inhaling deeply like he’s savoring my scent, his lips grazing my skin. I try to turn my face even further away, but it only exposes my neck more, and he presses in, dragging his tongue along the hollow, wet and sickening.

Panic swells in my chest, my heart hammering so hard I think it might burst. Somewhere, in the foggy depths of my mind, I register a soft gasp—a sound too faint to grasp, like it’s coming from far away—but it vanishes, leaving me alone with the reality of his hands on me.

“Did you think you could just ignore me forever?” he whispers against my skin, his breath hot. “I will show you what it means to be mine, Farron. And this time, you’re not running away. After we’re done, there’s no way you’d ever be able to pick those three over me.”

My ears are ringing, drowning out his words, my panic dizzying up my mind. I’m frozen, trapped between that day in the woods so long ago and now, helplessly pinned by his weight and the suffocating memory. I know I need to move, to fight, to scream—I know that I’m stronger than this.

And yet, I just can’t will my body to move.