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THREE

FARRON

I DON’T UNDERSTAND

Day 453

My mind spirals in a thousand chaotic directions as we ride back to Rolling Hills. Holden is at the forefront of all my thoughts—where is he? Is he still close by, or did something happen to him? Comet looked exhausted and worn down, and now that I finally have a moment to breathe, to think, I realize just how long she must’ve been alone. But part of me clings to the hope that Holden’s still out there, hurt maybe, but alive.

And yet, I know. I know, deep down, that if he could have, he’d have made it back with her. Nothing would have stopped him.

Leaving like I did this morning was reckless. I saw Comet, and the terror that immediately consumed me obliterated any rational thought. I hoped he’d be nearby, and I took off for North Star, knowing that the only clear path back to Rolling Hills was through the town. But it was so damn stupid to go without any weapons. If the guys hadn’t come after me, I wouldn’t have had the knife to fight at the end. Still, I was fine handling things on my own, like I always am. I’ve been handling things on my own for as long as I can remember.

So where the hell does Kenji get the nerve to yell at me for this situation?

I take a deep breath, feeling EJ’s hooves beat a steady rhythm against the ground as we press on. I glance over at the three of them riding beside me, tension practically crackling off of them. When I look at Theo and Adrian, hoping to get their attention, they keep their eyes fixed straight ahead, their jaws set in anger. A shiver runs down my spine from the intensity rolling off them.

I push the guilt back. I know they’d have done the same if they were in my position.

I’m sure of it.

We’re close now, and all I can feel is the grime and blood that clings to me like a second skin. My nails dig into the reins, and I see blood crusted under them. As the ranch comes into view, we make our way to the barn. I’ll have to find Ma and Pa to make sure they know everything is okay, especially if they realize we all took off. I’m hoping they haven’t come down to the barn and seen Comet yet—I want to be the one to break the news.

We dismount, leading our horses to their stalls, and as I close the latch on EJ’s, I hear footsteps approach from behind. My spine stiffens; I’m not ready for this conversation. When I turn, Adrian is already storming toward me, looking uncharacteristically flustered.

“What the hell was that, Farron?” His words hit me like a slap, his expression furious—something I never thought I’d see on Adrian’s face. I half expected Kenji to start this confrontation, which is why Adrian’s anger feels blindsiding. I try to respond, stammering, but the words don’t come. Theo avoids my gaze, scuffing the dirt with his boot, his hands clenching and unclenching, while Kenji scowls as usual.

“I didn’t ask you to come after me!” I snap back, my voice rising defensively.

Kenji scoffs, unsurprisingly, but Adrian’s reaction catches me off guard. “You’re right, you didn’t, Farron,” he says, his voice raw with frustration. “But how could you just run off like that? We had no idea what happened to you or where you went—and you went alone.” His voice trembles with anger as he plants his hands on his hips, letting out a shaky breath.

“Holden’s horse came back alone. I saw her by the barn, and Holden wasn’t with her. I didn’t think, I just reacted,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper, trying to make him understand.

Adrian’s expression tightens as he waves his hands, pacing. “You didn’t think?” He snaps, his voice biting. “Why didn’t you come get us? We could’ve helped you. What if something happened back there? What if you didn’t come back?” He stops, his shoulders heaving. “What would have happened to your grandparents if they lost someone else? What would’ve happened if you didn’t come back to us ?” His last words come out like a whisper, barely holding back his heartbreak, but it’s written all over his face—on all of their faces.

My throat tightens, eyes stinging with unshed tears as guilt digs in. I see now why he’s so upset. But I was so focused on my twin, all other thoughts were pushed to the side. I still believe he would have done the same, and I tell him as much. That’s clearly the wrong thing to say because Kenji jumps in.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Princess,” Kenji says with a hardened tone. “Even if one of us was out there, we’d never leave the others in the dark like that.”

I turn to Theo, searching for understanding, but he looks at me with something that twists my heart. “I would have never left you behind,” he tells me, and I can see the frustration in the movement of his hands.

The weight of my choices finally hits me, crushing in a way I hadn’t anticipated. After the breakout, I took on so much because Holden had been here to share it. And when he left, I tried to shoulder everything myself. But I’m so damn tired of doing this alone. The guilt is almost suffocating, heavy in a way that no responsibility ever was. It was reckless to run off—if anything had happened to me, they’d be left without a doctor, without…me. Shit. And I’d never see Theo again, wouldn’t get to hold his hand or watch the stars with him, feel Adrian’s arms around me as he makes me laugh, or catch that glint in Kenji’s eyes while we wrestle with whatever this thing is between us.

Theo’s retreating, and I quickly sign, “Theo, I’m sorry.” But he takes another step back, my hand falling short of reaching him. He raises his hands in surrender and shakes his head. I feel like my chest is being ripped open with each step he puts between us. I try one last time. “Please.”

He looks off to the side as if gathering his thoughts and replies. “Not right now,” and he turns away, officially cutting me off. Desperately, I look to Adrian, but he seems just as disappointed, following Theo out of the barn. Each step they take solidifies the consequences of my actions, the ache spreading deeper. I don’t even realize I’m crying until Kenji steps closer, wiping away a tear with his good arm. “Hey, it’s okay, Princess,” he murmurs, tilting my chin up to meet his gaze. “They just need time to cool off.”

“I thought you were mad at me too,” I say, voice trembling.

“Oh, I am,” he replies, his tone stern. “What you did was reckless.” He holds my gaze, jaw tense, then continues, “I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, Farron, but you need to let us in. Or just finally choose to shut us out. This is killing them.” His words are raw, and I can see in his eyes the vulnerability he’s trying to hide, the answers he’s seeking that he’s not sure he wants.

Kenji cups my cheek, his thumb brushing gently across my skin. The warmth of his touch steadies me, and I close my eyes, letting myself sink into the fleeting comfort of the moment. I know this softness is rare—something I might not feel again anytime soon.

With a deep breath, I step back, my fingers wrapping around the hand of his uninjured arm. “Let’s get you checked out,” I say softly, my voice steady despite the whirlwind of emotions still coursing through me.

Kenji offers me a small, reassuring smile, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. The weight of everything hangs between us, unspoken but understood. He squeezes my hand gently, grounding me just as much as I’m trying to ground him, and without a word, he follows me out of the barn.