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THIRTY-TWO

ADRIAN

ONE & THE SAME

Day 506

As Farron bolts away from us like her heels are on fire, I heave a big sigh and give Kenji a look. Theo’s doing the same on his other side, arms crossed tight, his expression pinched. Kenji lets out a grunt, his jaw flexing.

“Am I wrong?” he asks, running a hand over his face in frustration. “She's still hiding something. We’ve been giving her all of us for months, and she’s still holding back.”

I shake my head, raking my fingers through my hair. “No, you’re not wrong.” Before I can add anything, Theo’s hand moves, catching Kenji’s eye. His features are taut with concern.

“That doesn’t mean you talk to her like that,” Theo signs, his fingers sharp, his frown just as cutting. “Whatever she’s hiding, it's killing her. You pushing her doesn’t help.”

Kenji’s frustration bubbles over. “Then what am I supposed to do? Sit around and pretend nothing’s wrong? We can’t have a relationship like that!” He gestures at the door Farron ran out of, movements growing sharper. “You saw how she ran off. Again.”

“Because of how you pushed her,” I interject, frustration marring my movements. “There’s a difference between being real and being aggressive, Kenji. If you wanted her to open up, you went about it the wrong way.”

“How else am I supposed to get through to her?” he snaps, rubbing a hand over his mouth before continuing. “She’s never going to trust us if she keeps shutting down when it gets hard instead of staying here and giving us a chance to show her that we’re not going anywhere.”

Theo’s eyes flick between us, his fingers moving again, softer this time. “Maybe if she didn’t feel attacked, she’d trust you more. There’s a difference between asking for the truth and demanding it.”

“The way you attacked her didn’t exactly give off a super caring vibe, K,” I tell him, shaking my head. “I’m going to go after her. You guys go back to the cottage, and you ,” I say, pointing to Kenji, “think about how to apologize to her for your tone and how you approached this whole thing.” He simply grunts again, and I turn to leave.

Farron has a tendency to run and hide when it gets overwhelming or difficult for her emotionally, and Kenji’s words definitely cut deeper than he intended. I start towards the barn, knowing it’s the one place she always retreats to when things get too heavy. Even if I hadn’t seen her walk in this direction, my gut would tell me she went this way. The wind picks up as I walk, carrying the scent of hay and horses, mingled with the faintest trace of something earthy—dirt kicked up by hurried footsteps, maybe.

As I approach the barn, I slow my pace, taking in the dim light filtering through the cracks in the wooden walls. The old door creaks when I push it open, but I don’t see her immediately. It’s quiet inside, except for the occasional shuffle of a horse shifting in its stall or the clatter of the goats and some chickens making noise. I take a few steps in, hit with the barrage of now familiar scents. Then I see her.

Farron’s back is to me, standing by EJ’s stall. Her hands are pressed against the horse’s neck, her forehead resting against his mane like she’s drawing strength from him. She doesn’t move when I step closer, but her shoulders are tense. I approach quietly, but she knows I’m there. She always does.

“Sunshine.” Her nickname leaves my mouth like an apology, soft and careful, but she doesn’t turn.

“Go away, Adrian.” Her voice is thick and shaky. She’s trying to keep it together, but I can hear the cracks beneath the surface.

I don’t leave.

Instead, I take another step closer, closing the distance until I’m right behind her. I can feel her body heat radiating off of her in the cold air of the barn, and I want to reach out to pull her to me so badly, but I choose to wait. “We can’t keep doing this,” I murmur. “Running every single time it gets hard to talk.”

She stiffens before she shakes her head, her fingers tightening on EJ. Her head tilts in my direction, and I can see the pain etching her features, the darkness in her red-rimmed eyes. It makes my heart break. “You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand,” I say it a little sharper than I mean to, but it’s out before I can pull it back. I take a deep breath, trying to find the right words, the ones that might break through the wall she’s built. I soften my tone. “You can’t keep shutting us out, Sunshine. Whatever it is you’re holding onto, it’s eating you alive.”

Her expression twists, and she finally steps away from both EJ and myself, crossing her arms over her chest like she’s trying to protect herself from the truth. “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t feel it every day? Every damn day, I wake up and wonder if this is the day I’ll finally stop feeling like I’m drowning.”

My heart clenches, hearing the raw emotion in her voice. “Then why won’t you let us help? Why won’t you let me help?”

She laughs bitterly, the sound hollow and broken. “Because you can’t. No one can.”

“Farron…” I reach out, but she takes a step back, avoiding my touch. Her walls are higher than ever, but I’m not giving up. I take a few steps forward until I’m right in front of her, my hand coming up to cup her cheek, tilting her head up towards mine. “Maybe I can’t help. Maybe there’s nothing I can do to actually ease the pain for you. But I will always be here for you, Sunshine. Whether you’re feeling like sunshine or you’re feeling like rain, remember?”

Tears are tracking down her face as she looks up at me, seeming to consider my words. She sniffles and nods. I gently wipe away her tears before moving to sit down on the barn floor, carefully hiding my wince as the cold from the floor seeps into my legs.

I get myself situated with my back against EJ’s stall, and then I pull her down into my lap, tightening my arms around her. I feel more than hear the deep breath she releases, even though she remains stiff. I nuzzle at her neck, placing a gentle kiss there, before moving my hand to come up into her hair and gently rubbing circles on her scalp, just how she likes it.

“What are we doing down here on the floor?” she asks, and I can feel her body slowly starting to melt against mine as I continue my ministrations.

“We’re going to sit here and find some peace in each other for a bit. If you really don’t want to talk right now, then I’m not pushing you,” I tell her. “Kenji shouldn’t have approached you like that, although I’m not sure the big brute knows how to do things any other way.” She quietly snorts at that, and the arm I have wrapped around her gently tightens a bit more in response.

“The three of us are going to show you what you mean to us, Sunshine,” I tell her, and I hear her breath stutter for a moment. “I think these last few months have shown you how serious we are about you. We’re going to keep showing you that we’re not going anywhere, okay? And hopefully, one day, you’ll realize that you’re safe with us, that we’ve got you—in every way possible. And when you realize that, you’ll feel safe enough to finally open up about whatever this big bad thing is, just like you opened up about Holden and so many other things already. Okay?”

She stays silent, and I let her, content enough to keep slowly rubbing her scalp and holding her close, showing her how much I care. I try to keep her warm and pull her a little tighter to me. The minutes tick by, and, eventually, Farron starts to get a little antsy in my lap, fidgeting with her hands.

“You okay, Sunshine?” I ask her, nuzzling against her neck again with the hope of calming her down.

She heaves out a big sigh in response to my question, and I feel her body start to stiffen up again, as though she’s preparing for something. My senses all go on alert. “It’s…It’s not that I don’t trust you guys, or feel safe with you,” she starts, her voice quiet in the barn. Her hands come up to my arm that’s banded around her, and she starts to gently rub it. “Because I do. I feel so safe with the three of you, and it’s a little scary. I didn’t know that I could feel the way I do about you guys. I don’t want you to feel like I don’t trust you, or like there’s something on your part that’s lacking…” she trails off, her hands still moving absentmindedly against my arm as she seems to gather her thoughts, taking a few more deep breaths.

“That’s why everything with Kenji hurt so much tonight—because he’s right. But even though he’s right, that doesn’t make my pain or my burdens any easier to come clean about… It’s my fault my parents are dead. It’s all my fault, and admitting that out loud to three men I’ve come to…care for so much is not easy, Riri. It’s terrifying and suffocating.” Her voice cracks as she finishes the last sentence, and I can feel her starting to shake with silent sobs. My hand tightens in her hair and I nuzzle her neck once again, breathing her in, trying to communicate that this doesn’t change how I feel about her.

“None of us will ever fully understand what it was like for you with your parents, Sunshine,” I begin slowly, trying to gather my thoughts and figure out the best way to let her know I understand, even though I may not fully grasp her specific situation. “I blame myself for my dad’s death, most of the time. Yeah, he had a stroke, but I wasn’t there when it happened. Maybe I could have done something to help him. Or, maybe, I could have just been there for my mom and sisters so they didn’t have to deal with that all on their own. But, I wasn’t there..

“And now, after the outbreak and everything that’s happened since, I blame myself for what happened with my mom and sisters. I should have been there, been closer to them, when everything started. Maybe I could have found them in time. I don’t know whether they’re alive or not, and I probably won’t ever get answers about that. And it’s all my fault.” She squeezes my arm and turns to tuck her head under my chin, her nose against my neck.

“Riri…” she starts, tears in her voice, but I cut her off.

“I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad for me, Sunshine. Obviously, it’s not the same as what you’re going through. But I just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone in this, or like this secret about your parents is something that’ll make me see you differently. I know all about regrets and blaming yourself. Whatever happened to your parents, it’s probably not something you could have ever changed or truly controlled. And eventually, when you tell me the whole story, I’ll make sure you see that.”

She stays silent for a moment before climbing up out of my lap and onto her feet, and my stomach drops as I begin to wonder just how badly I’ve messed this all up with her. My legs and ass feel numb from the cold ground, but I can’t even think about that because I’m worried about the woman standing before me.

I look up at her warily, watching as she wipes at her cheeks before she sticks her hands out for me. I climb onto my feet and put my hands in hers. She steps onto her tiptoes and gives me a soft kiss on the lips, before turning around and making her way out of the cold barn, dragging me behind her.

She strides with purpose back towards her little cottage, and I’m hit with a blast of warm air as we open the front door and step in, finding Theo and Kenji still inside, waiting on us. Theo immediately jumps up off the couch and runs over to Farron, pulling her away from me and into his arms. I watch as he holds her close, pressing kisses against her head before pulling back and signing to her.

“Please stop scaring me like that, Star. I can’t deal with you hiding from me,” he tells her, and I watch as she nods in response to his sentence before signing back an apology. Interesting. My little Sunshine seems to have been keeping something else from us, but that’s a discussion for another day.

My eyes shift up to Kenji, who’s still sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees as his head hangs forward a little bit. He’s putting on that typical stoic front, but I can see the worry and guilt in his eyes as he watches Farron with a single-minded obsession, taking in every detail from his spot a few feet away.

Farron turns back towards me and asks me, “Will you help interpret everything I’m going to say for Theo?” I give her a warm smile and nod, encouraging her to go on. She turns back to face the other two and starts speaking. “I’m sorry that I ran away. I was mad, scared, and overwhelmed. I didn’t mean to scare you guys or make you worry about me again…” she trails off, moving away from Theo to stand in a new spot where she can see both of them still, but now has some more distance. I follow her, stepping a bit behind her and to the side so that Theo can see her, but also my hands.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you guys, because I do. But the truth is awful, and I’ve never told anyone the full story. I don’t know how to even begin, and I don’t want it to change how you guys see me. I feel like I’m finding happiness with you, and I want to be selfish with that,” she admits.

“Princess,” Kenji begins, breaking his silence for the first time. His voice is gruff, and his hands are slow as he continues. “I’m not sure there’s really anything you could say that would change the way we feel about you. We just want the truth, is all,” he tells her, and she nods in response.

“Right, yeah. Well, I guess we’ll see about that,” she says, and I can hear the self-deprecation coating her words like a toxic sludge. She really thinks that this will change everything between us, and I can’t help the spike of anxiety that comes from wondering what the hell is hurting her this badly. She shakes out the tips of her fingers, almost as though she’s trying to prepare herself for the story she’s about to tell, and she clears her throat before she begins.

“I didn’t really have a great relationship with my parents before the outbreak. I loved them, and all, don’t get me wrong. But there was tension, and there were issues. Issues that went up to the day before the outbreak started, even…”