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FIFTY-ONE

FARRON

OUR SPOT

Day 562

The ride with EJ up to the lookout that was always mine and Holden’s spot didn’t do much to clear my head, not that I really thought it would. As we reach the top, I dismount and stare out over the familiar landscape. The place that used to bring me so much peace now feels like a battleground of emotions. The wind rustles through the trees, whispering secrets and memories I’m not ready to face.

Holden has been gone for months, vanishing without a trace and leaving a gaping hole in my life. I have spent countless nights worrying, fearing the worst, and eventually resigning myself to the possibility that I might never see him again. In his absence, I have been forced to adapt, to grow, to become a version of myself I never anticipated.

Now, with his sudden return, it’s as if the ground beneath my feet is shifting, making it hard to find my balance. The woman I have become is a stranger to him, and I’m not sure how to bridge the gap between who I am now and the sister he remembers. The past months have changed me in ways I can’t quite articulate, ways that make it difficult to reconcile my current self with the girl who used to wait eagerly at this very spot for Holden in my darkest times.

EJ, sensing my turmoil, nudges my shoulder gently with his muzzle. I appreciate his presence, even if I can’t muster the words to express it. I pat EJ's neck absently, his warm breath a small comfort against the cool air. “Everything’s changed,” I murmur, more to myself than to him. “I’ve changed. And I don’t know how to deal with him being back, not after everything.” EJ nickers softly, as if offering his silent support.

The lookout spot, once my secret and safe place with my twin, now feels like a mirror reflecting the fragments of my broken heart and the changes that came from Holden’s absence. The log near the edge overlooks the valley, which is only beginning to green and bloom again after the winter. The sun is just beginning to dip, casting a warm, golden hue over the landscape, but the beauty of the view is lost on me today.

In the time that he’s been gone, I’ve retreated to this spot more than once, but not always alone. If anything, this spot feels like it’s become mine and Theo’s over the last few months. Theo’s calm presence and steady support have been my anchor, helping me navigate the stormy seas of uncertainty and loss. Together, we have shared moments of silence, laughter, and tears here. More importantly, we’ve shared our love and grown our connection intimately. This spot means something differently to me now than it used to.

I hug my arms around myself, feeling confused and suffocated by everything I have to face. The gentle breeze tugs at my hair, and the cold air nips at my face and ears, causing me to shiver and hug myself tighter.

I hear hooves in the distance growing closer, signaling to me that someone is making their way to me. Few know about this spot, and given everything that’s happened today, I know exactly who it is. My heart races as the sound draws nearer, each step of the approaching horse echoing the turmoil inside me.

I remain motionless as the horse comes to a stop, and the person dismounts before making their way towards me. Holden’s footsteps crunch softly on the gravel path, a sound so familiar yet so foreign after all this time. When he sits down next to me on the log, the wood creaks under his weight, but I don’t even turn to look at him, and I don’t make any attempt to speak.

I’m not sure what I’d even say. The silence stretches between us, thick and heavy with unspoken words and unresolved emotions. I stare at the valley below and wonder if he feels the same disconnection I do, if he, too, is grappling with the chasm that has opened up between us.

“I had a feeling I’d find you here,” he begins, his voice soft. Once again, I make no move to respond or look at him, and he takes it as an opening to continue speaking.

“I’m sorry, Ronnie,” he says after a long pause. “I’m sorry for leaving you, for disappearing without a word. I wasn’t honest about why I left the way I did.”

He takes a deep breath, the weight of his confession hanging in the air. The sound of his exhale mingles with the breeze, and it feels just as cold. “I felt suffocated at Rolling Hills. The responsibility, the expectations—it all became too much. I needed room to breathe, to be on my own without anyone expecting anything from me. That’s why I always volunteered for the supply runs. It was my escape.”

At this, my eyes flick over to him, narrowing as I purse my lips. The resentment I’ve had building up for months and kept bottled up threatens to spill over. “And how do you think I felt, Holden?” I ask, my voice tight with emotion. “With all the responsibility falling on me? Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt?”

Holden’s gaze drops to the ground, his shoulders slumping. “I didn’t know how,” he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. “I was afraid. Afraid of disappointing you, of admitting that I couldn’t handle it. I thought if I just left, it would be easier for everyone if I just took the runs on my own, gave myself the space I thought I needed.”

“Easier for everyone?” I repeat, incredulous. The words taste bitter on my tongue. “Do you have any idea what it was like for me? To wake up every day wondering where you were, if you were even alive? To take on everything by myself?”

He stares at me and opens his mouth to speak, but I continue, my voice softer this time. “I blamed myself, you know… I told myself it was my fault you were gone and that if you never came back, I only had myself to blame, just like with mom and dad.”

His jaw drops, and he shakes his head vehemently as he responds. “Mom and Dad were not your fault, Ronnie. You should never have blamed yourself for them, and especially not for me and my own stupid decisions.”

I scoff, the sound sharp in the quiet twilight. He doesn’t know the truth, and I’m not brave enough to tell him yet. Maybe ever. “Yeah, well, I did. The guilt ate away at me little by little, and when the guys showed up, I resented them for being here when you weren’t. Where were you, Holden?”

His expression shutters as he opens his mouth to say something and then closes it immediately. He shakes his head and turns away, taking a few moments to himself, his eyes clouded with thoughts, before speaking again. “I am sorry. But I don’t regret it, you know. Leaving, I mean.”

I look up at him with a frown on my face, the setting sun casting long shadows across his features, but I don’t say anything, letting him continue. “If I never left, I wouldn’t have found Amaia. And trust me, she needed to be found. She’s the reason it took us so long to get back here, or at least the things that happened to her are.”

I take in his expression, noticing the subtle change when he mentions Amaia. There’s something deeper there, something unspoken but palpable. I nod, speaking slowly, measuring each word. “I’m… I’m not glad at how everything happened, I don’t think. But I’m happy that you’re back and happy that you’ve somehow brought Adrian’s sister with you. He was worried about his family. I’m guessing the others didn’t make it.”

Holden shakes his head before dropping it into his hands as a loud sob breaks free from his chest. His body shakes with his pain, and I wrap my arms around him because no matter how mad I may be, I can’t leave my twin on his own when he’s in pain. The familiar scent of coffee and freshly mown grass invades my senses. “I can’t believe I wasn’t here when Ma passed. I’ll never forgive myself,” he tells me between sobs.

I shake my head, though he can’t see me. “You can’t blame yourself for that, Holden. If I can’t blame myself for Mom and Dad, you can’t blame yourself for Ma,” I tell him, hoping to get through to him and calm him down. Of all the things he should be blaming himself for and feeling guilty about, Ma’s passing is not one of them. I mean every word I say.

His sobs gradually subside, the air cool and calming. We sit there in silence, the bond of our shared pain slowly knitting together the rift between us. Eventually, he sits up, wiping the tears from his face and clearing his throat before turning towards me. “What the hell happened while I was gone, Farron?”

I heave out a big sigh, looking up at the sky and trying to figure out how to start this long, awful, and fucked up story. From the beginning is the only way, I guess. So I do. I start from when the guys got to the Ranch and work through all the big events. I tell him about the potluck a few months ago and how Mr. Abel was bitten, and he drops his head into his hands, mumbling about needing to talk to Jay.

I tell him about the constant fence line breaches and zombies, and how someone broke into the shed, making everyone terrified of outsiders watching us, taunting us. His brow furrows in confusion and worry, but I trudge forward before he can say anything. I tell him about the awful day that Ma and Eric lost their lives, and he sobs again as he finds out the details.

It only gets worse when I tell him about what happened with Trevor a month ago and how we all found out that he was the person responsible for all of the awful things that had been happening. That Trevor escaped. I never told him about the others I ran into while on my own, and I know I’ll have to tell him now. I’ll do that later, once everything else sets in for him. Holden gets up, grabs a rock from the ground, and flings it off the edge of the overlook as a scream tears from his lungs. He falls to his knees crying, apologizing for not being here as all of that happened.

“I can’t even regret it,” he admits with a watery cry. “Because if I never left, Amaia wouldn’t be here with us.” His sentence ends on a broken sob, and I wrap my arms around him, pulling him to sit back down with me. I do my best to assure him that it’ll be okay, and though it takes a while, he eventually calms down.

After a long few minutes of silence, he pulls back and presses a kiss to my forehead. When his eyes meet mine, I find them red and puffy, but there’s a glimmer of his old self in them. “So,” he starts, putting a smirk on his face. “You and ‘the guys,’ huh?”

I roll my eyes, a smile creeping onto my face despite myself. The tension in my shoulders eases slightly. “I knew that was coming,” I tell him, unable to keep the amusement out of my voice.

“I spoke to the big one, Kenji,” he admits, his eyes still on me. “Just before coming up here. He pulled me aside and put me in my place a little bit after I went up to the three of them, demanding to know which one you were dating.”

“Of course you did,” I tell him, a bite to my tone. “Came back after being missing for months, and you just assumed you had some right to dive straight into my business. Sounds like you.”

“Hey now,” he says, holding his hands up in mock surrender and leaning back against the log. The faint light of the fading sun outlines his silhouette against the darkening sky. “I only want the best for you, Ronnie, and I wanted to see how they’d react. It’s not like I haven’t heard a million things about all three of them since being around Amaia for so long,” he admits, causing me to release a snort. “But I’ve got to know… All of them, Ronnie? How? Why? And which one’s your favorite?”

I glance at him, arching an eyebrow. “I don’t have a favorite,” I respond, causing him to snort this time. I lean back, contemplating how to explain the complexity of my relationships with the guys.

“It’s complicated,” I begin, choosing my words carefully. “They’ve all been there for me in different ways. Theo’s been my rock, the person I’ve felt so safe with since you left. He’s the one who made me fall for him first. Adrian’s the one who makes me laugh, who takes care of me in every way possible. And Kenji, well, Kenji’s always had a way of seeing right through me. He makes me think more about everything, and I know he would go to the ends of the earth for me. As for a favorite, I don’t think it’s that simple.”

Holden nods, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. “I get it,” he says quietly. “Sounds like you’ve found a good balance, even if it’s not what I expected.”

I smile, feeling a warmth spread through me that has nothing to do with the cool twilight air. “I’m not the same girl I was when you left, and I think that’s a good thing. It’s because of them that I’ve grown stronger, happier…” I trail off for a moment before turning back to him. “Thanks, Holden. For understanding. Though I imagine it helps to know they’re Amaia’s family.”

“It does,” he admits, looking off into the sunset.

“But I do have a secret to admit,” I say, a grin on my face. He turns to me with his brows raised, waiting for me to elaborate. “This isn’t exactly our spot anymore… It’s mine and Theo’s.”

He raises his hand to his heart, gasping dramatically, “Oh, the betrayal! Ronnie, how could you do this to me? I disappear for a few months, make you think I’m dead, and you bring a lover to a sacred twin location?”

I snort, pushing him off the log. “Asshole.”

He laughs, getting up and dusting his hands, before reaching out towards me. I grab them, and he pulls me up to my feet. His face suddenly turns solemn, and he clears his throat again. “Are we good, Ronnie?”

I hum noncommittally, turning away from him for a moment before turning back. The night air is crisp, grounding me. “Not perfect. But we will be, as long as you promise to never pull shit like that again.”

A grin breaks out on his face as he nods. “Deal. Now, let’s get on our horses and back down before it gets too dark.”

As we ride down and make our way back to the main house, the cold wind whipping through my hair, I can’t help but think about how lucky I feel for how everything’s turned out, even if it was a painful journey. The moonlight guides us, casting a silver path on the trail. My brother’s back and alive, Adrian’s sister is here, and I have the guys. Of all the places we would have all converged, of course, it had to be Rolling Hills Ranch.

The rhythmic sound of hooves on the path is almost soothing, a constant reminder of the connection we all share. The stars above seem to shimmer more brightly as if acknowledging the reunion and the bonds that have been forged and strengthened. The warmth of the moment contrasts with the chill in the air, and I feel a sense of peace settling over me. Despite everything, we are together again, and that makes all the difference.