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Chapter Thirteen

D r. Drayke sun Omrun

I got through those medical procedures well, but I’m at the end of my ability to function. On Dacia, males in the process of completing the Three Gates are relieved of all work duties. Their family usually cooks special dishes for them and they are deftly cared for by their mother, aunts, and sisters. Our culture knows that every male in this phase is barely able to perform basic tasks, and nothing more than eating and sleeping is expected of them.

I hurry back to my room with Nova, remove my clothes and climb into bed. “Sorry I didn’t get you food, my Sweet. Can you comm the dining room and see if they can send us something? I have no energy.”

She calls Maddie directly and soon there’s a knock at the door and delicious odors fill our room.

“Is this normal, Drayke? You okay?”

“I’m just tired, I’ll be fine after a nap. That reminds me…” I try to sit up but I find it too taxing. “I need to check your arm. I’m sorry, I was preoccupied.”

“Let me feed you. With my own dracking hand,” she jokes.

I sit up, my back against the pillows, surprised at how delightful it feels for her to want to feed me. In all the times I watched my father tend to my mother this way, I never saw it reciprocated. “Sweet female. I’m the luckiest male in the galaxy.”

Nova

I can think of nothing else while he naps. Nothing other than the fact that I’m a horrible, selfish traitor and this charade has to stop.

I would have gotten dinner, but if he knew I came within twenty paces of a male, unaccompanied by him, he’d lose his shit. It was just easier to comm Maddie and ask for room service. I promised to be her bitch after all of this is over. I didn’t specify what “when all this is over” means, mainly because I don’t want to acknowledge it even to myself.

Drayke looks a lot better when he wakes up. Strong and oh-so-happy. I’ve got to end this. Now.

“We need to talk.” Yeah, the worst four words in the English language.

I can see more of the whites of his eyes than usual. It’s clear he knows something’s coming and it ain’t good. Still, he pats the bed and encourages me to sit. Nope, for this I pull up the chair. No touching. Good eye contact. That’s what we need. Enough dawdling. I launch.

“Drayke, I’m an awful person and there will be a special place in hell for what I’ve done.” Great start. Very subtle.

“What’s the matter, Nova? Certainly, nothing could be so terrible.”

“Yes, Drayke, it could. I…” I run out of steam. Where are the words? How do you tell someone you’re going to kill them because you don’t want to be inconvenienced?

I clear my throat and start again. “You know I’m not good with words, and these are going to be hard ones. Can I ask you to let me get all the way to the end?” Great, Nova, don’t even let the guy ask a question during the worst moment of his life. Well done.

He nods. His face has fallen, his muscles are slack, he can’t give me eye contact. I guess this will be easier than I imagined, because he already knows what I’m about to say. “Drayke, I…”

“I will interrupt, Nova. Let me help you say this. You don’t want to bond with me, correct?” His eyes may be misty, but his jaw is firm. “May I ask what changed?”

Truth, Nova, I order myself. He fucking deserves the whole truth. “Nothing changed, Drayke. I never intended to open the Third Gate with you. I can’t promise forever. I just can’t.” I’m crying. Not pretty little beauty-pageant tears, but big sloppy tears. I want to finish this conversation before the noises and the sniffling start and the snot comes pouring out of my nose.

“What was last night, then?”

“A lie. A big fucking lie, Drayke. I did it to bring you back to the land of the living so you could save Braxxus's life. I’m a shit. I’m a shitty, lying, horrible person who doesn’t deserve a male like you.”

“I’m too good for you and you don’t want me anyway?”

I deserve that. I deserve that snarky comment times a thousand.

“Yes, I guess that’s right.”

There’s a minute of silence, maybe two. The longest minutes of my life.

“I understand, Nova. You’ve been honest about your feelings from the start. Perhaps I was manipulating you, pushing you into something you didn’t want all along. I understand. I take full responsibility for all of the heartache this has caused you.”

He’s serious! The motherfucker is serious. He’s letting me off the hook and taking all the blame and being so freaking nice about the fact that my stubbornness is going to kill him. I actually want to punch him. I want to hit him for being so understanding.

And now the dam breaks. The loud wailing noises and the sloppy tears, and the snot. I run to the bathroom to get toilet paper. My heart is breaking. He’s still sitting there.

“It was the best moment of my life, opening the First Gate with you last night, Nova. It was an honor. Thank you.”

I can’t help it, I run back from the bathroom, wad of toilet paper in hand, and slap his thigh. I want to hurt him! How can he be so nice to me? I can’t sit on the chair anymore. I have to be in his arms. I have to hold him. Except I don’t hold him, he winds up holding me. He strokes my hair and kisses my forehead. How can he be so good? How can he be so kind to me? I don’t deserve it, not any of it.

I cry for a long time. I go through the blubbering stage and wind up in the hiccupping, gasping-for-air stage and he never, not for a minute, quits petting me and murmuring soft, understanding words in my ear.

I finally calm down, I’m only breathing heavily—there’s nothing more to blow out of my nose.

“The bonding sickness hit me much harder than I ever imagined, Nova. I don’t think I’ll have much time before I’m as bad as I got on Aeon II. There are things I need to do. I want to make sure your surgical site is clean and in good shape. I’ll show you where I keep the plas-film. I want you to keep the cut clean and covered for at least four more days. And get the tattoo you told me about. Promise me it will be bahd ahss.” He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. My insides ache for him.

“I worry about Braxxus. His surgery wasn’t properly completed. There was just too much internal bleeding and swelling. It will need a revision. If I could, I would just program the medbot to finish the procedure in a few days. But it will require fresh readings when the wound is better healed. I don’t think I can talk Axxios through that. ”

“I just told you you’re going to go insane and then die and you’re worried about me? And Braxxus? Seriously?”

“Of course, Nova. When we first met I told you I am what you see. This is who I am. I’m a healer. I take care of others. I wanted to take care of you, that’s not what you want. I understand. Promise me you won’t feel guilty. I’ve taken full responsibility for this since the first day.”

I have a brainstorm. “What if we open the Second Gate? Would that buy us more time?”

“I have no idea, and I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to force yourself to... touch me when it’s clear you don’t want to.”

I spear him with a penetrating gaze. “I do want to touch you. This isn’t about you, or what happens in this bed. This is about forever. I don’t want to commit to forever. I can't Drayke. It terrifies me.”

He nods, indicating he comprehends. I’m pretty sure he understands nothing of what I just said.

“So what happens if we open the Second Gate tomorrow instead of tonight?” I ask.

“I have no idea. I don’t know if it’s ever been done.”

“Okay. So if we open the Second Gate tonight, you’d be fine tomorrow, right? Just like you were today?”

“I think so.”

“Which gives you an extra day to help Braxxus. Would that be enough?”

“I doubt it, Nova. That’s only one day for the swelling to go down. But maybe... I could keep my sanity for two days after the Second Gate. I don’t know if I could.”

I hug him tight, so tight. My heart is breaking. He’s such a good male. I think I’d marry him tonight if he asked. Yes, if we were on Earth, I’d run off to Vegas and have Elvis marry us. We’d laugh and get drunk and if it didn’t work out, we’d get a divorce. But we’re not on Earth, and there is no divorce. I can’t commit to forever.

Dr. Drayke sun Omrun

If there is any consolation in any of this, it’s that her heart is breaking. It shouldn’t make me feel good, but it does. She cares for me. I’ll go to my grave knowing she has feelings for me. Maybe even love. Her culture just doesn’t understand forever love. I think I can die in peace knowing this.

She’s fallen asleep on the bed. I quietly retrieve my ceremonial knife from where I keep it in the dresser drawer. I considered performing sanctu when I had to oversee the Earth females’ breeding program. I delayed, believing I was providing some comfort to the females under my care.

Doing it now should be easier, because I’ve experienced love with Nova. I can’t die a happy male, but I can meet my Lord God Anteros content. When I plunge the knife into my right heart, I will think about that evening in the solarium. That was a beautiful moment. I want that to be my last thought.

I slip out to medbay and label the cabinet with the plas-film. She’s seen me apply it, she’s not stupid, she’ll be able to do just fine.

I nod to Axxios and check on Braxxus's surgical site. There are no obvious problems, although it’s really too soon to see any change.

I program the medbot for the next operation as best I can. It’s such a complicated procedure I can’t plan for all eventualities, but this might work. I spend the better part of an hoara writing instructions to Axxios, explaining things he might try in a few days. I set the message to arrive in his message box tomorrow morning, after the damage is done.

I walk back to my room and take my ceremonial shower. When Nova wakes I’ll ask her to grab some plas-film from medbay and bring it back. Sanctu will be complete before she returns. Because I have two hearts, it will take from several hoaras to a full day to die, but it is always fatal. There will be no going back once I plunge the knife into my heart.

She wakes up, her eyes still rimmed red. “How are you, Drayke?”

“Resolved, Nova. Before the insanity comes back I need to tell you something.”

“What?” She comes over to where I’m standing and tries to put her arms around me. I step away. This I can’t bear.

She seems to understand, and sits on the bed.

“This isn’t your fault, don’t take responsibility. Promise me you won’t.”

She thinks for a long moment. “No more lying, Drayke. This is all my responsibility. I’ll have to live with the consequences of my actions.”

She’s a good female. I’ll never convince her to forgive herself for this, even though I tried.

“All right. Oh,” I try to sound casual, as if it’s an afterthought, “could you go to medbay and grab some plas-film? When you come back, I’ll show you how to apply it.”

“Sure,” she shrugs.

That was easier than I thought. If she leaves quickly, my hearts won’t start cracking apart until she’s gone.

Once she's on the way to medbay, I step out of my jumpsuit and kneel on the floor near the bed. I place the ritual knife over my right nipple so it will pierce my right heart.

“Dear Lord God Anteros, I am your humble servant and want to live according to your will. I cannot complete the bonding process with the female you have chosen for me and am performing sanctu at your benevolent instructions. Please provide comfort and peace to all beings who love me when they discover my death. My loving parents, Einelda and...”

Nova

I’m on my way to medbay when it suddenly strikes me that something is vastly wrong. Drayke is way too possessive to have nonchalantly sent me to a small room inhabited by not one, but two males.

I turn around at a dead run back to our room. My fears that he is about to commit sanctu are confirmed when I barge in to the sight of Drayke kneeling naked on the floor, his dagger at his breast. That sight almost makes my heart quit beating in my chest.

“Drayke!” I shout, running to his side. My knees hit the floor next to him as I silently pray he’ll hand over the knife. My heart is now pounding in fear; my facial muscles tighten in anguish. Dear Lord, please intervene. The shocked look on his face confirms he had every intention of plunging that knife into his heart.

Seeing this, knowing he was within seconds of taking his own life, convinces me I can’t let this happen. With every ounce of my being, I know that I want him alive. I don’t want to lose him.

“ Sanctu ? You were performing sanctu ? Please, Drayke. Don’t.”

“This needs to be done,” he says, his voice devoid of emotion. “It’s for the best, Sweet. We shouldn’t drag this out. I’ve made the decision to leave this plane of life.”

“I want to open the Three Gates with you,” I blurt. “I want to be your bonded mate.” At this moment there is nothing I want more than for him to live.

“No, you don’t. No more lies, Nova. Do you understand what you’re asking of me? To bond more deeply with you so that I can save Braxxus's life? At what cost? Don’t you understand how much my heart is breaking at this moment? Can you imagine how hard it was to place a knife to my breast so I could plunge it in? I was ready.”

I gently pull the knife from his grip, my eyes welling with tears. Placing my palms on his cheeks, I close my eyes and bite my upper lip.

“I want to open the Second Gate with you,” I whisper, then pierce him with a look full of so many unspoken words.

“No lies. Please.” He pulls his gaze away.

“I want to open the Second Gate with you. Not for Braxxus, but for me. My heart wants to be with you. My body wants to be with you. My thoughts and fears, they say no. Somehow I just hope…”

“You hope that magic will happen and you’ll see the error of your ways in the next two days and want to open the Third Gate with me and be bonded forever? Have the last two years as a slave taught you nothing Nova? There is no magic.”

“I’ve known you such a short time, Drayke. Give me two more days. Give us two more days. What do you have to lose?”

Drayke

It would be easier for me to commit sanctu now. Every modicum that slips by makes it that much harder for me. I was ready to go through with it a moment ago, but now she’s offering an iota of hope. Every additional moment I spend with her is a gift. She told me earlier that she’s selfish, well, I’m greedy. I want more time with her.

“Yes.”

“Yes, you’ll stay with me today? You’ll open the Second Gate with me tonight?” Her smile is genuine and full and lovely.

I simply nod, knowing I may be making the biggest mistake of my life. This won’t be any easier tomorrow.