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Chapter Seventeen

T awny

I pull my hand out of Dev’s when we approach his aunt; I don’t need to complicate his life by prompting more questions.

He’s all business as he and Valeria make arrangements. Both of them are staying strong; it was her sister, after all. Dev and I wordlessly scarf down sandwiches alone in the kitchen, then retire to our rooms.

Brin’s already asleep by the time I slip in. My nighttime bathroom ritual is completed in minutes, and I fall into bed. I don’t think I’ll be getting to sleep any time soon.

Poor Dev. My God, he’s been through so much. His pain today was palpable; I could feel it across the room. Just because I can’t be with him long term, just because the Stockholm Syndrome makes me confused about my feelings, doesn’t negate the reality that we have a history together. It doesn’t mean I can’t offer comfort when he needs me most.

I pad out of the room and down the hall, then knock faintly on his door. I don’t even use my knuckles, I scratch with my nails. Everyone’s in bed, it’s quiet in the house. I know he’ll hear me.

I keep scratching until he opens the door. He’s wearing comfy-looking p.j. bottoms and a sad expression.

“What do you need, Tawny?” His muscles are tight; he’s not exactly welcoming.

I try to slip through the doorway, but he’s blocking it with his large body.

“I thought you might want company.”

He closes his eyes, a pained expression on his face. “Of course I want company, but this won’t be good for either of us. We’re too connected. We need to disentangle.”

“Just for tonight, Dev. Let me lie with you, just for tonight.”

“Last time we lay together, we…we shouldn’t do that tonight.”

“Right. Too confusing. Just lie there. I’ll be there if you can’t sleep.” He thinks for another moment, then steps away, allowing me inside.

He lies down and I join him in bed. He faces the wall, I lie behind him.

“Want me to spoon you, Dev?”

“No.” He answers quickly, then sighs deeply. “Can you pet my head?”

I smile, liking the idea I can be of some comfort. Part of me wants to sling my leg over his thigh and nestle against his back, but he’s put up a clear boundary. Pet his head? This I can do.

I get a brainstorm of a value-added service I can perform. I sing You Are My Sunshine. I don’t know all the words, but for some reason, I know this makes him smile. After about ten verses, all improvised and each lamer than the last, I notice his breathing has slowed and deepened. I’ve put the big male to sleep.

It takes me a while longer to nod off. I wonder why we can’t do this every night.

T he next few days are a blur. Dev stayed holed up in his room, and the few times I scratched at his door he didn’t answer. Dev, his aunt, and Thantose attended a funeral ceremony two days after her death. I didn’t feel bad about not going with him; I would have been a distraction. That was the only time Dev left his room in days.

Valeria took us women back to the factory to finish the tour, then showed us one of their retail outlets. Kind of funny to think I might have traveled light-years across the galaxy only to get a job at something akin to Macey’s.

Other than our field trips, I’ve almost completely avoided Lexa and Carrie. Nothing wrong with Carrie, but I can’t stand Lexa’s accusatory stares. I want to tell her to fuck herself, so I find it best to give her a wide berth.

The cook gives me treats to give Ampire, and I’ve been out to visit him every day. There’s something so peaceful about the barn. I learned how to use a giant fork thing to clean his stall. I put the poop in a hover-barrow and then dump it in a designated place behind the barn.

Who would have known how satisfying it is to clean a stall? I like the fact that when I arrive there’s usually a nice amount of lumpy brown “presents” cluttering the stall, and when I’m done, the straw on the floor is clean and smooth. It makes me feel accomplished. Ridiculous, I know.

I’m rounding the corner, returning the empty barrow to its place near Ampire’s stall, when I see Dev. He’s in the mronck’s stall, talking sweetly to the beast and offering him the same treats I usually provide.

“Ampire, you’ve been two-timing me.”

Dev’s puzzled expression indicates that didn’t translate well.

“I thought I was the only one giving him treats,” I whine.

“Tricked you, huh?”

Dev’s words are light, but the pain on his face is still raw. I watch as he puts the bridle on the mronck, walks him out of the stall, mounts him in one graceful movement, and takes off at a run.

He doesn’t enter the round pen, but races off into the thick forest of red-leafed trees, then disappears. What a gorgeous male. I could look at his muscular back, his tribal markings, his sheer masculine essence forever. But I can’t have him. I hope he decides to stay here on Primus so I can leave on the Tranquility tomorrow. I can bury myself in musty antiquities and fine modern art, and maybe, just maybe, forget the male with the whiskey-brown eyes and sweet, sad smile.

I t’s our last night on Primus. Of course, Valeria is throwing another party. All the males are here and there’s an air of nervous expectancy. We’ll all be declaring our intentions of whether we stay on this planet or fly away on the Tranquility .

Thantose has been gone a lot this past week. He’s been overseeing construction of my cabin in the hold of the ship. Every night when he comes home for dinner he bitches about the speed and work ethic of the carpenters. He’s been irritable. I wonder if his aunt’s death has depressed him as well.

Dinner was delicious but quiet. We’re all nervous about our choices. I think a few of the males have a dog in the fight as well, wanting the women to stay on board. Almost every one of them has their eye on Beautiful Brin.

I still haven’t made up my mind. I haven’t been able to catch Dev at the right time to ask him his choice. Whatever he chooses, I’ll pick the opposite.

After dessert, Thantose puts his hands up and shushes everyone. “I hope you’ve all had an opportunity to have your questions answered in order to make your decision. I support you all in whatever you choose. Carrie, I’ll start with you. Primus or Tranquility?

“Thank you, Valeria. You’ve been so kind and generous. But staying here just doesn’t seem right. I think my fate lies elsewhere.”

My eyes have been riveted on the medic, and I think I see the corners of his mouth tip slightly upward. Honestly, I’m not sure if Carrie even knows he’s interested. Whatever transpires, it should be interesting.

“Thank you, Carrie,” Valeria says, “I wish you the best in your travels. You deserve it.”

“Lexa? Have you decided?”

“The same for me.”

Shortest speech she’s ever made. I thought she’d take this opportunity to complain about something.

“Brin?” Every male in the room seems to sit up a bit straighter, and peg her with a stare.

“Captain Thantose, you said we could stay on the ship for three months and see if there was someone we were interested in. What if I already know?”

Oh my. You could hear a pin drop. Perhaps my body changed during my near-death experience on Paradise, because I think I can actually smell testosterone wafting through the air. I look at the table and make sure the steak knives are all accounted for; I’m imagining some misguided gladiatorial fight for her hand.

“Does the male want to share quarters with you?” Thantose inquires.

“Who wouldn’t?” Griff asks; this garners hearty laughter from most of the males.

Brin spears Thantose with a blazing gaze and asks, “Do you?”

Simultaneous exhale from everyone in the room. Mic drop.

“Do I what, Brin?”

Is he being coy, or did this blindside him as well?

Brin’s perfectly-shaped cheeks are red as apples and she’s now inspecting an invisible smudge on the white tablecloth. I’m having trouble watching. If he rejects her in this room, in front of everyone, I can’t imagine how devastating this will be to a female who spent half her life as a sex slave.

“Do I what, Brin?” his tone is softer. He pulls his chair out and drags it next to her so he can sit down. He looks less imposing. Fat tears are snaking down her cheeks. He grabs her hand and tries to peer at her. “Ask.” It’s a whisper.

“Thantose, I’d like to stay with you.” She swallows hard. “Not just on the Tranquility, but with you.” She’s looking at her hand in his.

I glance up at Valeria who, if she is surprised isn’t showing it.

“You’ve taken me by surprise, Brin. I...did not see this coming.”

Thantose is a brash male, usually laughing unless the situation calls for sobriety. He’s not brash or happy right this moment. He looks...scared.

“Let’s talk privately this evening, Brin. This is a big decision...huge. I can’t imagine deciding right this moment without a serious talk.”

“I’ll say yes right now, Brin,” Griff says, his tone joking but his face serious.

Brin’s eyes are still cast down at their intertwined hands. She nods.

“Is that a yes?” Griff asks.

“No, asshole,” Lexa snarks with an eye-roll. “Are you an idiot? A, don’t you get that she’s not interested in you in the least? And B, what part of post-traumatic response do you not understand?

“Thantose, surely you can’t be considering this. You could find willing female flesh on any planet you touchdown on. Don’t you understand that she’s incapable of making a good decision right now? She’s been traumatized. She bonded with her abuser for fuck’s sakes.”

She looks at Valeria, says, “I’m sorry, ma’am,” then addresses the rest of the room again.

“She bonded with her last abuser, and now that no one’s around to tell her what to do she’s latched on to the alpha male in this group—the captain. This is insanity. You can’t allow it. You’d be taking advantage of her.

“Look at Tawny. That male abused her for three years! Daily!” She indicates Dev.

I glance at Valeria. By the looks of things, I don’t think this came as a complete surprise.

“Yet do you see how she looks at her abuser? Like he hung the moon? Like he’s the most handsome male on the planet? That’s why they can’t be together. Because she’s not thinking straight. He’s a gelding for God’s sakes!”

Sharp intake of breath from every living being in the room. I keep my eyes straight ahead. I refuse to turn to Devi. I hope not one head swivels in his direction. I imagine he wishes he could sink into the floor. I try to catch Valeria’s expression out of the corner of my eye, but I can’t get a good look to figure out if she knew this little piece of information or if it’s news to her.

I’m experiencing some new emotion. It’s a feeling I’ve never encountered before. Heat blooms on my face and races through my body all the way to my toes, like the flame on a stick of dynamite. Rage. This is rage, only times a thousand.

I stand up so fast I almost push the table over; my chair falls backward onto the floor with a clatter. Words spew out of my mouth, but they’ve bypassed my brain. I’m finding out my own thoughts as they flood out in a torrent of fully-formed sentences.

“Shut the fuck up, Lexa. How dare you shame this male? He’s a good man. How dare you talk about me like I’m not in the room? Or like I don’t have a thought or a brain in my head?

“I get it. I get that you have a college education and you’ve studied psychology, and you know about inappropriate attachment to an abuser. But I’m not stupid, and I’m not gullible, and I’m not a test subject.”

At this moment I understand every metaphor for anger ever coined. I am seeing red. I do feel heat searing through my body. And I understand wanting to choke the living shit out of someone. I ball my hands into fists and let the words flow out of my mouth like a molten fountain.

“Devi is the best male I’ve ever met. The kindest, most thoughtful. He has never taken advantage of me; he’s always put my needs ahead of his. He’s never pressured me. Which is more than I can say of you.

“I think...I think you can find love in the strangest places. And that’s what I’ve done. I found love in the crappiest place in the galaxy—a dungeon. And you know what? I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.”

I take a moment to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. I use the time to gather my thoughts and make certain I’m ready to say this next thought out loud. I turn to Dev, look him in the eye, and my voice comes out low and clear and slow and meaningful when I tell him, “I love you Devolose Marris Thenious III. I love you, and I don’t care what happened to us in that dungeon.”

I walk over to him and pull him up by his hands. “These two hands, they don’t scare me. This beautiful face,” I cup his cheeks in my palms as if I’m touching the most expensive piece of artwork in the galaxy. “This beautiful face doesn’t scare me. No. It’s precious and important and I will love it until it’s old and wrinkled. Come to think of it, I think I’ll be old and wrinkled long before you. And I know you’ll love me that way, too.”

I lift up on tiptoes and barely touch my lips to his. “You do love me, don’t you Devi? Will you have me?”

He kisses me hard, just once, then sits down and pulls me onto his lap.

“I’ll have you, Sprout.” He whispers in my ear, “I’ll have you tonight if you let me.”

He displays a devilish grin. I doubt there’s a person in the room who doesn’t know he just said something really dirty in my ear. Gelding my ass.

“I think that settles that,” Valeria announces, casting a caustic look at Lexa.

“Primus or the Tranquility ?” Thantose asks with a huge grin.

I say, “Whatever he wants,” at the same moment Dev says, “Whatever she wants.”

He smiles and touches his forehead to mine. “We’ll have to talk.”

“I know I don’t look it, but I’m a plan-ahead kind of guy,” Thantose says. “That cabin I’ve been overseeing the last week was built to hold two, cuz. I hope you’ll decide to stay with us.

“We’re hovercrafting to the Tranquility at 0600 tomorrow,” his tone is all business now. “Make certain you have everything packed and ready to go. I’d suggest everyone get a good night’s sleep. Brin and I have a long discussion ahead of us, and Dev and Tawny have a...long night ahead of them as well.”