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Chapter Three

D evolose

As soon as the ship’s doors slide closed between us and the Leaf on the Wind, Thantose reaches out and pulls me to him in a solid hug. He tries to touch his forehead to mine, a gesture of kinship on my planet, but I manage to wrest myself away from him. I lean back in distrust.

He pulls away, his hands grasping my upper arms. This male who seemed to enjoy toying with us for the last two hoaras looks filled with emotion, his eyes bright with tears.

“My name is Thantose Aberre Marris. We’re cousins, Devolose. I grew up hearing about you my entire childhood. Every spring during the week of the Mranteen holy days, we said prayers for you. When I was young, I prayed fervently for your safe return. I sadly admit we all gave up many annums ago.

“You wouldn’t remember me. I was born after you were stolen.” He leans forward again and presses his forehead to mine. It’s a sign of love and connection on Primus, reserved for the closest lovers and kinsmen. I allow it this time. What do I care? It means nothing to my dead heart.

“I didn’t contact your family, Devolose. That will be your choice. Your sire crossed over two decades ago. Your mother has the failing sickness. The last I saw her she didn’t remember me. I doubt she would remember you, although you never know.”

He glances at Tawny as if he hadn’t noticed her until now. “This female? Is this your mate, Devolose? I am honored to meet you.” He bows low, then moves to grasp her shoulders, to press his forehead to hers. His movement must have been too swift. She retreats and hides behind my back.

“Sorry. You’re just so big,” she says from behind me. I feel her body shiver.

“I apologize. I think I’ve been too brash for both of you.”

He looks me up and down, perhaps taking in the dirty rag of a loincloth around my hips, the lean muscle under my skin that screams I haven’t been well fed in decades. I’m certain he must see the remnants of a thousand lash marks on my skin.

When Tawny edges out from behind me, he has to see the bruising apparent on her lovely brown skin, and the healing lash marks on the exposed flesh of her lower arms. I watch his face as awareness dawns.

“My cousin, do you need to see a medic? Seneca has been trained as a healer. Were you abused on the Leaf on the Wind?”

Tawny and I shake our heads. “We saw the doctor aboard that ship. Everything has been done that can be done.”

He cocks an eyebrow in inquiry. I should have phrased that differently. I’m certain he must be questioning what I meant by that. I wonder how he would react if he knew I wear a rag in my loincloth to hide the fact the fabric covers no cock. Would he show me the trash chute in disgust?

“You were rescued from Emirus only five days ago, cousin? I hope the Leaf treated you well.” He shrugs then smiles, not the smarmy smile we saw on the screens of the bridge when he was taunting us, but a genuine smile, full of honest affection. “You’re here now. We’ll feed you and give you time to heal. You both look like you could use rest and caretaking. I can only imagine you were not treated well in your captivity. That’s over. The time you spend on the Tranquility can be considered your rebirth.

“You don’t know me, cousin, but I’ve felt a kinship with you my whole life. Indulge me; let me care for you and…?”“Tawny. We’ve been held in the same cell for three annums ,” I tell him.

“Do you prefer one room or two?”

I say, “Two,” at the same moment Tawny firmly says, “One.”

Thantose looks between us, awaiting further instruction.

“Devi, please don’t leave me alone. Not on this ship, with all these new people.” She glances down the hallway at the three males standing there, weapons at the ready in case Tawny and I aren’t what we appeared.

“One room,” I acquiesce.

Thantose escorts us to a small cabin about twelve fiertos square. It’s clean and sparsely furnished.

“I wish I could offer you better accommodations,” Thantose offers.

“I haven’t slept in a room with a door in almost a century. This is a boon. Thank you.”

“I’m sure you’d like food? Clothes? Shall I bring them by? Would you like to join us in our small kitchen for a meal?”

I glance at Tawny, her eyes are still wide in fear; she’s tense. I doubt she’ll want to mingle with a bunch of large alien males.

“You could bring us food, nutrition bars are fine; don’t go to any trouble. I think we’ll bathe and sleep. Tomorrow you can shower us with your hospitality, feed us, and impress us with your ship.”

“As you wish. I’ll bring food. Out your door and to the left when you wake up in the morning, you’ll find the bridge and kitchen.” He clasps my shoulder, then leaves.

The room is still and quiet without my boisterous cousin. Tawny, who’d been almost hiding behind me, steps to my front and hugs me hard, her face nestling against my chest.

“I thought they were going to put you to death, Dev. That tribunal was awful.”

I want to scold her for speaking up for me. I’d begged her not to. I’ve lived long enough, had enough pain for ten lifetimes. My people live another eighty to one hundred annums on average. I don’t think I can stomach that.

“You’ll regret following me onto this vessel, Tawny.” I shake my head. “This was the biggest mistake of your life. The people on the Leaf would have taken care of you. I have nothing to give you.”

“I’m not arguing with you, Dev. I’m taking a shower and going to bed.” She turns on her heel and strides to the tiny, adjoining bathroom.

This room has two small beds and two closet/dresser combinations. The beds have been pushed together. I separate them. There’s no reason for us to lie side by side anymore. For the first time since she met me, Tawny will be safe where she sleeps. I take a calm breath, pleased that at least I provided that for her.

Tawny

I know water’s a commodity on any space vessel, but I allow myself a few extra minutes under the warm spray. Better than Disneyland!

As I’m toweling off, I’m thankful the humidity has fogged the mirror. I haven’t had a moment to really look at myself in three years. They let me leave my cell on the Leaf to take a shower, but it was rushed, and frankly, I wasn’t ready. I guess now’s as good a time as any.

I wipe the condensation off the mirror, take a deep breath, and lean in to see my face. I immediately move back, out of range of my reflection. Dear God, it looks like a heavy-handed makeup artist was tasked with aging me twenty years.

The tears sliding down my cheeks have a will of their own. I have no business crying—it is what it is. It’s just that...wow, I didn’t expect it to be that bad.

I edge to the mirror again and tolerate it better this time. I’d only been twenty-two when I was abducted. I guess three years of daily torture, living in an underground cell, and wondering if you’ll live to see the next day will do that to you.

Now that I’m really looking, I take it back; I really haven’t aged twenty years. Well, my eyes have. My young-woman eyes are gone; they do look twenty years older. That’s only fair, they’ve certainly seen twenty years worth of pain.

I can see why everyone hated Devi. My dark skin doesn’t show discoloration as obviously as if I were white, but even now, almost a week after my rescue, my face is a patchwork of bruises in various stages of healing.

It’s silly, but I feel bad for Dev; he has to look at me and know he did this. It must kill him a little every time he sees this. Oh well, my bruises will fade. The scars are simply...scars—a roadmap of my life, which has been pretty fucked up. Until now. Today changes everything.

I pull on the oversized t-shirt and panties they gave me on the Leaf and enter the bedroom. Dev stalks into the bathroom and starts his shower.

Silly male, did he really think I wouldn’t notice he pulled the beds apart from one to two, each on its own side of the small room? And did he really think I wouldn’t put them right back the way they were? It’s the work of a moment to connect them into one again and climb in.

Devolose

Drack ! I’m not surprised she pushed the beds back together. After three annums in captivity, you wouldn’t think she’d be so willful, but Tawny has a mind of her own. Having no desire to argue, I crawl in and lie on the far edge.

She cuddles up against me, her front to my back. I’ve never slept nude with her before, but my loincloth was filthy, and I didn’t want to wear it into this delightfully clean bed. We shared a cell for three annums ; she knows there’s nothing under my loincloth. Why do I still wish to hide myself from her?

“Devi,” she whispers as she hitches her leg over my hip. “Please don’t be mad at me for coming with you. You’re the only person in the universe I trust.”

I want to push her away, tell her she doesn’t really know me, but that would be a lie. She knows me better than anyone has ever known me. She knows my weaknesses as well as my strengths—which is a short list.

“I was giving it some thought in the shower. Wondering why I was so desperate to stay with you,” she tells me. “We’re connected, you and I. We spent a thousand days living through something no one else in the universe could understand. When I’m not with you, my life turns into a dream—a horrific, surreal dream that feels meaningless.

“When I’m with you, my life is real. What I lived through, however grim, is my reality, and maybe it has meaning. No one could understand what happened behind those bars but you.”

I turn to face her and immediately realize the error of that decision. Her knee rests on my hip, her core inches from where my cock would be if I had one. I hiss involuntarily. She pulls her leg off of me, eyes wide. Is she fearful of me? Of my anger? Of course she is. Her head may know I never hurt her of my own volition, but her body remembers every lash of my whip.

A very clear thought arrows into my brain. I need to apologize to her. I know it might sound hollow. I know she has that syndrome. But I need to say it. I hope she can hear, really hear, even a small part of it.

“Tawny.” I know she immediately grasps my serious tone. Her gaze connects with mine. “We both know there wasn’t one thing I did to you in that dungeon that was of my own free will. Not one. Well, except every night when I apologized for what I’d been forced to do.

“I understand you know this on some level, but I have to say it now. Out loud, when we’re both calm and safe. I am deeply sorry for every hurt or pain or abuse I inflicted on you—”

“Dev, I know.” Her beautiful brown eyes are swimming in tears as she looks at me with her exquisitely expressive gaze.

“I know you do. You said these things at the tribunal. But I have to say them, Tawny. I have to tell you I felt every lash of the whip, every slap of flesh on flesh, every hurtful word and phrase. Every single abuse I heaped on you in that dungeon I felt on my skin and in my heart and all the way down to the depths of my soul.”

“I forgive you, Devi. I understand.”

“Please,” my voice is rough with emotion. “Please don’t forgive me. I have no right to ask for that. No matter what you told that jury, my actions were unforgivable.” I feel a tight fist around my heart. Not only should this beautiful female never forgive my actions, but I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself—nor should I.

“Of course you didn’t ask, Dev. But I do forgive you. I forgave you every night as we laid on the floor of our cell when you whispered your apology.”

There’s nothing else I can say without arguing, which is the last thing I want to do. If forgiving me makes her feel better, then so be it. I’ll leave it hanging in the air between us. What I won’t do is accept it. I won’t allow my heart to feel the soothing balm her words could provide. It would just be that syndrome talking. I deserve no forgiveness. Especially not from her.

“Let’s get some sleep, Tawny. Tomorrow we’ll talk to Thantose and see if he can take you back to Earth. We’ve never talked about your family. I didn’t bring up the topic, didn't want you to get sad as you thought of everything you'd lost. But I’m certain you have people who love you there. Let’s get you home.”

“Earth wasn’t a great place for me, Dev. There’s nothing there for me. Perhaps you didn't understand what I told you a moment ago— you’re my home Devolose.” She turns her back on me and scoots away.

I wake before Tawny in the morning and pull on my dirty loincloth. I’ll find Thantose and borrow some clothes, maybe grab Tawny a snack.

I turn left out of our room and follow my nose and ears to the kitchen. Three males are congregating there, making sumra, a traditional noodle porridge dish popular on many planets. Smelling it, nostalgia squeezes my heart. Pictures flash in my head of when I was a tot, watching my mom cook it while I sat at our kitchen table enjoying the smell, awaiting the taste.

I’ve tried for decades not to think of home, my family. I’d assumed my parents died long ago. Now I’m a free male, flying on a swift ship. I guess I could go home. I shake my head, knowing there’s nothing there for me.

The males in the room nod to me, welcoming me. “Want some sumra , sir?” the youngest asks.

“It smells good. I’ll come back later with the female to have some. Thanks.” Did I almost say my female? I need to control my thoughts. She is not my female. I need to figure out how to get her out of my room. I have to sever our relationship; she’s far too dependent on me.

When I ask, the males point me toward Thantose’s room five doors down. He immediately opens his door to my knock. He’s nude.

“Come in, cuz.”

His cabin is slightly larger than my own and in complete disarray. There are what look like fine paintings hanging everywhere. Fancy wooden tables of the highest quality are shoved up against every wall. Ornate figurines and sculptures cover almost every flat surface.

“Spoils of war,” he indicates with a wave of his hand. “Well, not war exactly. We’re pirates, we stole all this drack .” He walks to the closet, grabs black pants and climbs into them. “What you see in this room alone is probably worth forty, maybe fifty thousand credits. You should take a look in our hold.” He looks happy—and proud.

“The pirate life agrees with you, Thantose.”

“I know it’s too early for you to decide what you want to do with your life, but I’d be honored if you stayed on here with us. I could teach you every aspect of life on board this ship: piloting, navigating...stealing.” He winks. “You’ve been...out of commission for a long time. I understand you’ll need time to figure things out. I want to give you that. I want to give you time.”

He sits on the bed as he pulls on socks and boots. “Let me give you some clean clothes. Next planet we touch down on you can buy what you want. Develop your own style. I imagine trends have changed since you were in a store.” He smiles again.

The muscles in my face tighten. Is it in jealousy? Yes. I’m jealous of his easy manner. With him, everything is a joke, a laugh. It’s like he’s never struggled a day in his life. I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I tear my thoughts from this maudlin line of thought.My cousin’s been nothing but kind. I shouldn’t be angry that he’s had an easy life.

“Here—underwear, clothes. Take off that filthy rag; I personally want to jettison the motherdracker into deep space.”

He must see every muscle in my body stiffen. “Unless you want the privilege, cuz,” he amends, raising his hands in mock surrender.

My jaw tightens as if my teeth are bonded together. I look down at the clean clothes, folded neatly in my open hands. If I were a normal male, I would tear off my loincloth and slip into these new pants without a second thought.

Males in our culture are comfortable in our nudity. If I hurry to his restroom, it would be odd. If I spend one extra modicum in this dirty loincloth it would be odd. I am literally paralyzed as if my feet are nailed to the floor.

He has to see the confusion on my face, probably my fear, too.

“ Drack , Devolose. I know I’ve done something wrong. Just tell me what I’ve done. I mean the best for you. I want to get to know you. I want to be friends. I’ve offended you in some way…”

The male means no harm—that’s clear. He prayed for my safe return for decades; he loves me like a kinsman should. His usually-happy face is serious, his brows knit downward. We’re going to be on this ship together for a while; I realize there’s no need, and probably no way, to keep my secret.

I set the clothes on the bed and hold his gaze with mine. I face him, unwrap the loincloth, and let it drop. I watch the expression on his face transform incrementally, seeing each emotion change in turn with every passing modicum . Surprise, then shock, deep repulsion, and after long moments, a sadness so profound he can’t control the tears that sprout from his eyes.

“Cousin,” is all he can say, still unable to tear his eyes from the ruined place where my manhood should be. He stands and grabs me, hugging me harder than I’ve ever been hugged. He’s sobbing. The hug serves the purpose to camouflage his sorrow as well as offer me some comfort.

I remind myself I’m a stone. A heartless, dead stone that has no feelings, no emotions whatsoever. It’s not working. As if for the first time, I allow myself to recognize my own loss. I’m out of that dracking dungeon. I don’t have to fear for my life every moment of every day.

Maybe it’s the love contained in this hug. Maybe it’s the safety and distance from Emirus, but some of the hard shell around my heart breaks open. I note the exact instant this happens. This moment will go down in my history as the most agonizing point in my life.

I had thought my worst moment was when my cock was placed on the hard, cold stone and the blade came down upon it. But I was wrong. This minima , right now, as I’m experiencing the fullness of the loss for the first time. Yes, this. This is the most excruciating moment of my life.

I try to use the skills I developed during decades in the dungeon. I attempt to turn my thoughts to other things. Thinking of what makes me angry usually does the trick, but it doesn’t make a dent in my anguish. I try to crawl back into my protected heart of stone—no luck—that wall has been cracked.

I have to stand here and feel the agony roll over me in waves of sadness. Drenching me in their severity. My knees are about to buckle, but I’m held up by Thantose’s fierce hug.

I don’t know how long we stand here, him holding me, sending me the love and concern of a blooded kinsman. The waves of pain and loss dissipate. My muscles bear my full weight. The worst of the emotional storm has passed. I step away, girding myself for the look I’m going to see on my cousin’s face. He’s concealed his feelings; his expression is placid, like a store mannequin. I’d prefer his cocky smirk.

“Is there nothing that can be done, Devolose? Nothing?”

“The doctor on board The Leaf says not.”

“Will you...will you at least consult our medic?”

I try to suppress the shame that bubbles up from deep inside. It is what it is, I am what I am. Why keep it a secret?

“What could he do that a physician could not?” I ask as I pull on the black multi-pocketed pants and a stretchy black shirt that hugs my chest.

“He’s been a medic longer than you’ve been alive. Perhaps he knows something…”

“Feed me and the female, then I’ll speak with him if it makes you happy.”

“Yes, it would make me happy to exhaust all avenues to help you.” He steps toward the door, then turns to me. “So that,” his eyes glance in the direction of my pants zipper, “is the cause of the tension between you and your female?”

“She is not my female. She has a sickness. Her planet identified a mental syndrome where a person bonds to their abuser.” Thantose’s eyes widen in surprise. “I was forced to...harm her. Now she doesn’t want to be separated from me. I’m trying to convince her to return to her home planet.”

“A syndrome, huh? I hear on planet Abachae they call love a sickness—a hormonal imbalance. They developed medication for it. Perhaps she needs some of that; she certainly acts like she’s in love with you, cuz.” His gentle teasing is full of concern.

“She’s confused. She’s been through a lot. We’ll get her back to her Earth, she’ll forget this—forget me.”

I barely hear his cynical words as he turns to leave. “Certainly. She’ll forget you as quickly as you'll forget her.”