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Chapter Eighteen

S hadow

I had already figured out Petra is damaged. She admitted to it. The irony of this situation eats at my gut. She would have been the perfect bed partner had I met her a month ago. We could have had pulse-pounding, hard-driving sex whenever it struck our fancy, it would have satisfied both our needs, and we both could walk away at any time.

But after my changes, my desire to connect to a female, to love and be loved in return, hot sex is not enough—I want a relationship. Obviously, Petra is far too flawed for that. She couldn’t even talk to me after sex. I don’t know what just happened, but I’m certain that’s not normal even for Earth females. Grace never acted like that, and she was far less enthused about sexual intercourse than Petra. No, Petra is broken. What I just witnessed is a tragic flaw.

I put on my loincloth and neaten the room. I don’t want anyone aware of what happened in here. I don’t know what to do with Petra’s red underwear. I shove it into my loincloth, knowing Petra would hate that her pretty things were smashed in there with my sweaty cock. There’s nothing else I can do with it, though.

Deep in thought, I meander back to my quarters. I can’t handle going to the mess hall. Too many people, too many questions, or maybe too much rude cold-shoulder. Either way, I don’t have the stomach for it. I’ll just skip dinner.

Back in my room, I can’t shake my sadness. My thoughts are looping in a catalog of all the things I like about Petra. I enjoy far more than the sex with her. We get along well. We have similar outlooks on life. We’ve both been hurt. We’re both skeptical. We both can ignore all the drack and focus on today and the future. When she's not pushing me away, we share a deep connection.

It strikes me that although I know Petra’s been hurt in the past, I don’t know a thing about it. Maybe understanding Petra would help me put this behind me. I have to admit, there’s the niggling thought in the back of my mind wondering if Petra could heal if she shared her truth with someone—namely me.

She’s in no shape to talk to anyone now. She was a mess back in the ludus . It wasn’t just in her mind, it was in her nervous system. It was clear she was in physical as well as mental pain.

It strikes me that when this passes, she’ll be hungry. If there’s one person on board who wants to enter the mess hall less than me, it’s her. I decide to get her some food and leave it at her door.

I pull her underwear out of my loincloth and use all my willpower not to sniff it. I know it will smell like Petra and sex and that will get me hard and aching for no good reason. I try to smooth out the wrinkles, then stash the tiny underclothes in a drawer.

It doesn’t take more than a moment to snag some food in the dining hall. No one gives me eye contact or says a word to me. Simple, really.

I knock on Petra’s door, deciding to wait a moment; if no answer I’ll leave it here on the floor. “Who is it?” She sounds startled and fearful, still out of breath.

“Shadow. I brought food. You don’t have to see me or speak to me, I’ll leave it here.” I hear her moving and don’t know if I should leave or stay. She opens the door, avoiding eye contact. She looks terrible: face pale, overheated, and blotchy, eyes rimmed red from crying, facial muscles tight. “Need company or need me to leave?” I don’t want her to feel any pressure.

After a long moment, “Come in.” She steps back, allowing me to enter.

I set the tray on the tiny chair by the desk. I stand there, awkwardly, waiting for instructions.

“Sorry for…” She lets her thought trail. We both know what she’s apologizing for.

“No need to apologize. I was just worried about you and wanted to make sure you were fed and hydrated.”

“Hydrated?” she laughs self-deprecatingly. “I need a hell of lot more than water to be okay.”

“Look, Petra, I know you’re not a talker. I don’t want to ask anything of you. But if you think talking would help, I’m here. Now, later, never, whenever.”

During the long silence, she sits on the edge of the bed, as do I, as far from her as possible.

“I have a question,” she says, still avoiding my eyes.

“Ask.”

“They weren’t wrong, you know. When they called you a dick before, they were right. Something changed, Shadow. You changed. You aren’t a dick at all anymore. You brought me food.” She gestures at it. “You helped Tyree even though it caused you great pain. I’ve been sitting here wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Why can’t I change? You did it. How?”

I think for a long time. At first, I have no answer to her question. Then slowly I grasp an understanding of myself. “I was angry and isolated my whole life. Living as a slave I gave up hope of ever changing. Then we overthrew our owners. I’m a free male. I have choices.”

I pause, not sure I want to admit the rest, but I plow ahead. “Meeting you was... a catalyst. I realized I could relate... connect to someone. For the first time, it seemed someone liked me for who I was. I never had that before. It’s a fantastic feeling. I want more of it. I took one risk and then another. Letting you in, opening my thoughts to you, apologizing to Grace, asking for help from the doc. These all made me feel better, not worse. I have a soul, Petra. I want to connect with it.

“I don’t want to be angry and alone anymore. I’m willing to take risks. I want to have more. I deserve more.” And then I take a huge risk by adding, “So do you, Petra. So do you.”

I’ve said enough. I just wait. We’re silent for a long time. Her hand reaches out and gingerly touches mine where it’s resting on the bed. “I want to believe that, Shadow,” she says in a soft, almost childlike voice. “I do.”

This conversation is so sensitive. I treat it as if it’s the most delicate porcelain. There is no rush.

We can go slow. I can give her time to assess her feelings, ask questions, tell me her thoughts. We have all the time in the galaxy.

“Would it help to tell me, Petra? Would it help to talk about whatever it is that... affected you like this?”

Another long pause.

“Earth is the most beautiful and possibly the most terrible planet in the galaxy. We have warm, sandy beaches and thick groves of trees, and wonders to see on all parts of the globe. Some humans are loving and kind and giving, but some only want strife and war.

“I grew up where there was war: shooting, killing, and hating. The war was about religion. I didn’t even have a religion. It makes no sense to kill someone for a belief that resides in their head, but that’s what humans love to fight about more than anything.

“So I grew up around fighting and guns and bombs and dead bodies. Before I was five, while my brother and I were foraging for food, a grown man held a gun to Niko’s temple for long minutes. That guy was screaming and angry. To this day I couldn’t tell you what set him off.

“But I remember the next part in minute detail. Because I watched my brother get shot. That picture is indelibly tattooed on my brain. I can feel the temperature on my skin. I can smell the rain in the distance. I can remember the sound and flash of the gun. Little four-year-old me is still alive in here,” she points to her temple. “She’s still smelling the copper of her brother’s blood in the air. She still has spatters of his blood on her cheeks.

“It’s like a perpetual split screen in my brain. Every minute of every day. Right now I see handsome Shadow sitting next to me with a look of… I don’t even know how to quantify what I see on your face. I hope it’s not pity, I hate that.

“But at the same time I see the scene. The gun to his head, the red mist of his blood, over and over almost every minute of every day of my life.

“Everyone dies, Shadow. I will lose everyone I’ve ever known. There’s nothing I can do to protect myself. Nothing anyone can do to protect me. I loved my brother more than anything in the world and I couldn’t protect him either.

“Before I was abducted I was doing okay for myself. I had my own chair in a salon, I paid my bills, and I had friends I had fun with. I’m still haunted, though with equal parts dread that I’ll always be alone and the fear that I’ll connect with another living soul and lose them.

“I learned how to be perpetually alone. I was four when I vowed never to let anyone in, so I’d never get hurt again.

“So here I am.” She looks up at me for the first time, her eyes large and luminous. “That’s Petra. My coping mechanism for being lonely and alone was to condemn myself to be alone forever. Brilliant strategy, huh?”

My heart breaks for her. She’s so petite as a grown adult it's hard to imagine this tiny, fragile person as a little child avoiding guns and bombs and dead bodies. To see her brother killed in front of her like that? It wrenches my gut. I say nothing. I want to give her space. She’s still holding my hand, though, which seems like a good sign.

“Do you want to be alone forever?” I ask, prepared to accept whatever her answer will be.

She thinks for a long time, then gives me a hard, penetrating stare, willing me to know that this might be the most important thing she’s ever said—and the hardest. “No. No, Shadow, I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to let people in.” She reaches out and touches my cheek so softly I can barely feel it. “I want to let you in.”

My mouth is suddenly parched. This feels momentous. I’m convinced it feels that way to her as well. I don’t want to upset this delicate moment. I simply wait for her.

“Teach me, Shadow. You learned how, so you can teach me how to do it. How do I let you in?”

“I’ve told you everything I can. You have to do the rest.”

Her lips thin into a line as she shakes her head. “I need to figure this out for myself.”

Petra

I slept almost all day, then worked out in the ludus until my legs were shaky. Now I’m in the dining room for dinner. Shadow isn’t here. Dr. Drayke, Grace and Tyree must be in medbay, so I’m alone at my usual table.

Maddie and Stryker come over to sit with me, which is very nice of them. Our conversation has sputtered to a stop and I have a quiet moment. I look around the room and see so many aliens—one has spots, one is gold, one is a lion—with a tail for God’s sake.

But I know who the biggest alien in this room is—me. I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong. I knew I didn’t belong my whole life. No one could relate to what I’d been through. My parents tried after little Niko died, but they were as traumatized at losing him as I was.

I didn’t belong when I moved to America without knowing one word of English. The other kids were very vocal about how much I didn’t belong.

I’ve spent my whole life feeling like an alien.

True, somewhere after high school I made some friends, cobbled together a life. I began to accept myself for who I am. But I realize that in so many ways I’m still four-year-old alien Petra.

I look around at the people in this room, they’re all in couples. They look happy. Look at Anya and Zar. They could have been voted the galaxy’s most unlikely couple, yet they’re smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes. From what I’m told, he was born a slave. Look how fucking happy he looks now!

Don’t I deserve to be happy? When do I get that? Do I have to be an alien my entire life?

I want to fit in. There, I said it. I want to be happy like everyone else. I don’t want to be in self-imposed exile anymore. I just want to be me, Petra. I’m here on this ship where everyone seems to fit in. Lions and spots, and even little elves who grow into big men. I can fit in, too.

I’m tired of being on the outside looking in. I want love and by God, I’m going to grab it.

I drift back into the present and tune in to Maddie and Stryker’s conversation. But I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m not hungry. I don’t want food. I want Shadow.

In this moment I realize I not only want Shadow, but I’m also going to do whatever it takes to get him.

Shadow

I’m always glad to have the ludus to myself; all the males are at dinner. It’s not safe to bench press so much weight without a spotter, but I’m relieved to have something to pay attention to other than my emotions. Since Petra arrived, I haven’t been able to turn them off like I used to.

When I hear the door open, I turn my head in irritation to see who’s invading my space. Little Petra has a plate heaped with food.

“I thought you might be hungry.” She raises the plate and approaches me.

“Starved,” I admit and place the weight bar in its holder with a loud clang. I sit on the exercise bench and pat the spot next to me, inviting her to sit down. I try to read her expression, but I guess she’ll always be an enigma to me.

“Thanks for the food,” I say around a big bite.

There’s a moment of awkward silence, then, “Will you let me try, Shadow? Will you hang in with me while I try to... let you in?” Her face is earnest, her gaze pierces mine.

My heart tightens in my chest. Should I let down my guard? Give her another chance to break my heart? I look into her beautiful, serious face, knowing I’m opening myself to the possibility of even more pain.

“Yes, I’ll be there for you Petra. How are you going to do it? What are you going to do to let me in?”

“I’ll try not to run. I’ll breathe through the panic. I’ll learn how to trust... and how to open up.” She spears me with a serious gaze. “I won’t bolt if you promise to tolerate my... bad moments.”

This is what I want. I’ve known it for days. Petra is flawed, as am I. But together, if we work at it,

I think we can make a great team. Now I have to decide, do I open myself to her completely? Do I leave my self-imposed cage of isolation and invite her in? I bite the inside of my lip as I make the internal decision. Once I say it, there will be no going back. I feel like I’m about the jump off a cliff, but I do it anyway. “I love you, Petra. I’ll give you space to grow.”

She joins me on the narrow weight bench and snags my neck with her hand, pulling me close. This hug feels different than any we’ve shared before. I feel her heart beating, her chest pressed to mine. The final dam inside me breaks open as unknown emotions swirl inside me. My eye is bright with unshed tears as I feel totally connected to another being for the first time in my life.

I swoop her up and carry her in my arms to her room. If she breaks down again, like she did earlier in the ludus , I can leave.

I’ve just committed myself to her, but I know she could change her mind any modicum. I’m emotionally vulnerable for the first time in my life and I’m so terrified my palms are sweating. But I’m not going back. I won’t give up on us no matter how hard Petra may make it.

Petra

I wake up with Shadow’s heavy arm across my waist. My back to his front. I’m still in t-shirt and leggings sans underwear, wearing what I had on when I ran out of the ludus yesterday. Those awful events come speeding back to me, bombarding in their intensity. I let someone in. I let Shadow in. I broke a vow I made in childhood. I was going to protect myself by staying away from others, and now I’ve botched that in a moment of weakness and let him in.

I just lie here, keeping my breathing the same as it was when I was sleeping. I need a moment alone before he knows I’m awake. I scan myself from head to toe—assessing, measuring. I’m trying to discern what I’m feeling. How I’m doing.

My default program is isolation with a smidgeon of anger and a dash of indifference. But that’s not what I’m feeling right now. I’m feeling… calm.

I pay attention to his arm around my waist. In the past, this has set off my get-the-fuck-away from-me response. Nope, no alarms. I tune in to his breathing, normally this would irritate me after sex, and I’d want to bolt. No, no urge to flee.

Okay, this is odd. I lean into the unprecedented feeling, going further, asking myself what I want. The crazy new Petra who seems to be at the helm of my mind tells me what I want is to lie here and enjoy the big, warm body pressed against my backside. This new Petra wants me to stay in bed and luxuriate, something I never do.

In the past, I couldn’t stay alone with my thoughts for more than a few minutes. This new Petra wants me to turn around and wake Shadow with a kiss and see what comes up. I think I just might take her up on it.

I turn gently and circle his neck with my arms. I reach to kiss his lips, over and over until he wakes. The corners of his mouth turn up into a sweet smile, and then he kisses back.

I feel every muscle, cell, and fiber in my body toggle on. Usually during sex, I’m focused on nipples, clit, and pussy. Now I’m aware of the pulse at my throat, the motion of his hands as they sweep my back, the warm, penetrating look in his gray-green eyes. That look is loving and passionate and giving and accepting. I want to drown in it.

I’ve never relaxed into sex, never enjoyed the slow burn of desire. I always wanted to speed to the finish. Today I relish every soft brush of his fingers, every hot glimpse of desire, every affectionate word.

I’ve never kept my eyes open during sex before, it seemed too intimate. This morning we gaze at each other during the entire experience. This is so much more than I could have imagined. It feels incredibly close.

After we orgasm together, drowning in each other’s gaze, we hold each other and doze more of the day away.

I think this is the first time in my life there isn’t a part of my brain on high alert waiting for something terrible to happen. I’d never been aware of it before because it was always with me. There’s that old saying, “a fish doesn’t know it swims in water.” I didn’t know my mind and body were on high alert twenty-four hours a day until the switch turned off. Even if it’s only a brief respite, it’s given me amazing relief.

I told a friend once, “You only die once, you live every day.” When I said it before, it was just words spewing out of my mouth. Today I want to make it my motto to live by.

Zar’s voice interrupts over the comm. “Males and females, I would like to invite everyone to a party tonight in the dining room. Miss Grace has generously offered us the pleasure of a concert in celebration of Tyree’s transformation. Miss Maddie has, let me check my notes to make sure I get this right... baked a cake for everyone. Not sure what that means, but Anya tells me it’s delicious. See you all at 1900.”

“Hear that, Pet? The mess hall has been upgraded to a dining room! Quite an occasion, indeed.” He swoops down and brushes my lips with his. I’ve seen scenes like this in the movies. The casual exchange of non-sexual touches that indicate an emotional connection. I’ve certainly never experienced this myself. I never saw my parents do this, either. Niko’s death exacted its toll on them as well as me.

I take a chance, leave my comfort zone, and reach my hand behind his neck to pull him down for a longer kiss. I’m met with no resistance, nor does he take this as an excuse to press me down into the mattress for sex. He just returns my kiss, his hand stroking my back, sweet and reassuring.

He flashes me a smile. I’ve seen glimpses of partial smiles on that handsome face before. But this is an easy, almost casual smile. I’ve never seen one before. It takes my breath away. Of course, I’d never tell him that. And then I ask for help from the new Petra, she’s eager to assist. “That smile takes my breath away, big guy.” The words escape my mouth with enthusiasm. He rewards me with an even bigger grin! I just might get the hang of this.

Before we leave, I ask, “How do you think this happened, Shadow? How do you explain how I changed from the old Petra to the newer, better, less-crazy version? Why am I not pushing you away right now? How can you explain that I didn’t crawl out of my skin when you had my waist pinned under your arm earlier? How can you explain how we... made love just now and didn’t just fuck?”

“I don’t know, Pet. All I did was love you. The magic was performed by you. You made this happen. You let me in. That’s all it took.”

I stand perfectly still, practically paralyzed. All of my energy is directed toward my brain. I’m crunching through this information. Could it be true? Is that all it took? For me to just allow? For me to allow him to get past my defenses? Wow, I did this myself. Echoes of my favorite movie line of all time. Glynda the Good Witch tells Dorothy, “The answer was inside you all the time.” Was it? Good to know.

I run to Shadow and jump up on him, my legs straddling his waist. I pepper little kisses all over his happy, stupefied face.

He sets my feet on the floor, swats my bottom, and urges me to come with him, “We don’t want to be late to the dining room .”

W e’re the last to arrive. We take the only empty seats, which are at the table with Grace, Tyree and Dr. Drayke.

Zar stands and welcomes everyone. I didn’t know him before the insurrection, but I imagine he’s been through quite a transformation himself. I’m told he was a slave his entire life. To go from being a slave to being voted captain of the ship must have been a monumental shift for him. By his actions, though, it appears he was born to lead.

“Welcome all! Most of us, the males anyway, have had little to celebrate for a long, long time. It’s heartwarming that in the span of a few short weeks our lives are so much fuller, so much happier and we have so many occasions to celebrate. Although I know we’re all looking forward to the bake-a-cake we’re going to eat tonight, what we’re really here for is to commemorate Tyree’s transformation. There will be drinking and toasting in a few moments, but Miss Grace asked for the floor.” He gestures to her and she stands shyly.

“These have been hard weeks for me, but I’m better now.” She glances at Shadow. “I hadn’t realized how much my music was my sanity until I was deprived of my instruments. Thank you, Petra for paying for String Thing. As soon as I got this in my hands I went to work composing.

The music simply flowed. This isn’t just for Tyree, I think it’s fitting for many of us on board. I call it ‘Transformation’.”

Grace is wearing the demure dress she bought on Numa. She stands for her performance and begins to play some of the loveliest, most ethereal music I’ve ever heard. The other night at the party she played a smattering of hits from the nineties and beyond. Nothing fancy, and most of us were so horny we didn’t listen to a note of it anyway.

Tonight every person in the room is in rapt attention. How could we resist the spell of this lovely, exquisite music? It begins slowly, leisurely, then builds to a crescendo that vibrates in my soul. There are tears in my eyes, this music fills my heart. This is our song. Every one of us deserves this melody of change, redemption, happiness, and yes, sweet deliverance.

When it’s over, it takes a moment for the applause. I think this is the best compliment of all. We were all so swept up in the music it took a moment to drift back to the present. There’s more than applause, most of us are shouting accolades at her. Savannah gives a shrill, two-fingered whistle that makes us all laugh.

Zar stands and motions toward Grace. “That was... I think the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.” I can tell he’s choked up, he’s swallowing repeatedly. He composes himself and continues, “This celebration is also for Tyree. He asked me to briefly explain his transformation to you all, so he doesn’t have to.

“People from his planet are born without gender. I don’t understand the... mechanics of it, but some of his kind stay that way forever. Some transform at some point in their adult lives. Tyree doesn’t know a lot about it because he was abducted as a child. But here he is now, strong and large. He’s still getting used to his body, so he asked me to warn you about his lack of coordination.

“We almost lost him during this process, but we are all so happy he survived and is here to celebrate with us. Maddie? I hear you found some spirits in the cargo area. I understand we’re going to have a toast.”

Maddie and Zoey come in with trays of glasses. “I tasted it and I’m going to call this Champagne,” Maddie says. “You might want to go easy on the first glass. I have no idea what kind of kick it has.”

Once we all have a glass in hand, Zar continues, “Tyree, do you want to say a few words?”

Tyree stands. Holy crap, I haven’t seen him since he was lying down in medbay. Maybe he’s grown a few inches since then? He’s tall, heavily muscled, and his face has grown angular and masculine. He’s... gorgeous. I blush a bit as I remember asking where his mother was when we sat at this very table only a few days ago. Talk about transformations! This has got to be taking a toll on him.

“Thank you all for coming,” Tyree raises a glass to the room. “I don’t have a lot to say, really. I certainly didn’t have anything to do with this.” He gestures down at his body. There’s a smattering of laughter.

“Seriously, nature and genetics did this. I was just the recipient. I do have a few people I would like to thank. As most of you probably know, this process was not a gentle one. I’m told I was near death. I was mostly unconscious for a great deal of the time. When I did come to the surface I was in excruciating pain.

“I’d like to thank Petra for risking life and limb by going to Ortheon, climbing a towering tree, and picking flowers the doctor thought could save my life.”

When he doesn’t even mention Shadow’s part in the perilous trip to the planet’s surface, my body tightens as my anger rises. How could he? Really, how could Tyree not even acknowledge Shadow’s part in some small way?

“I’d like to thank Dr. Drayke sun Omrun for everything he did to keep me as comfortable as possible, as well as his efforts to find a cure for this.

“But there is one male on board who did more for me than anyone has ever done since my abduction. That is Shadow.”

The room becomes silent. I’m sure no one saw that coming. I certainly didn't.

“Shadow is actually the one who saved my life. He utilized the psychic bond we established to overthrow this ship and he took my pain. He did this at his own peril and it caused him great agony. For this, I am grateful and will be eternally in your debt.”

With that, he raises his glass to Shadow. “I wouldn’t be here without Shadow. I propose a toast.” At first, the group seems paralyzed, but everyone kicks it into gear and raises their glasses. “To Shadow,” they all say at various times, and again, in unison, “To Shadow.”

Zar rises out of his seat, seriously and ceremoniously thumps his chest, and nods low to Shadow; the utmost respect a gladiator can give another being. Then, in turn, each and every gladiator on board makes the same gesture. This isn’t bullshit. I can read in their faces that this is real. They are looking him in the eyes, sincerely, honoring my male. What an incredible moment. I’m trying not to cry, and so is Shadow, I can see his Adam’s apple bobbing.

Maddie intentionally breaks the mood announcing, “Soup’s on.”

Shadow

I hadn’t anticipated that. There’s a whirlwind of activity around me, but I’m scarcely aware of anything except my own swirling thoughts. I glance down at Petra, who looks at me so happily.

“I’m so proud of you, Shadow.” She reaches up to kiss me sweetly, softly on the lips. If anyone in the room had wondered ‘are they/aren’t they’ about us, she’s left no room for doubt. As if to ensure no one missed it the first time, she kisses me again, lingering a bit longer this time. I smile and gently touch her cheek.

I never had friends. I was isolated as a child; my parents were too busy to arrange times for me to play with kids my age. By the time I was in school I was socially behind and never quite caught up. Besides, my parents kept telling me how much ‘better’ I was than any of my peers, which kept me isolated and alone.

By the time I got to the ludus I was so angry, so embarrassed about my downfall and my disfigurement, I didn’t want any companionship.

What just happened here tonight, getting acceptance and even honor from my comrades, this feels amazing. I pause, intentionally letting it sink in. My chest expands in pride.

Tyree and I exchange a glance. He knows exactly what he did. He paved the way for all the males to let go of any grudges, to accept me as I am. For that, I will be forever grateful. I nod my head to him. He grins.

I look around to realize almost everyone has finished eating. I haven’t touched a thing on my plate, neither has Petra.

Grace stands, puts her instrument in its case and accidentally tips over her glass in the process. She cleans it up, and while everyone’s still glancing this way, she walks over to me and pulls me out of my seat.

“I think tonight’s the night to do this, Shadow,” she says so low no one can hear. She reaches up and hugs me. That’s all, just a simple hug.

Not so simple at all. I know she forgave me, wholeheartedly, days ago. But none of the females on board knew that. What an exceptional female. She wants all the women to see this, to know she’s forgiven me. She’s determined to ensure that not only am I accepted by all the males on board, but all the females as well.

I lean close to her ear, “What a gift, Grace. You are such an extraordinary female. I am honored.”

This performance did not go unnoticed. Every female in the room is watching. I’m beginning to think the Transformation song she performed was more for me than Tyree.

I think it would be easy to say this is the best night of my life.