Page 37 of Everything After (Everything Trilogy)

ALFIE

Adrenaline flowed through my body with Lily’s accepting words, and I took her in my arms. Dipping my head, I breathed in her gorgeous familiar fragrance.

My heart crushed then swelled from being able to hold her indefinitely once again.

I lifted my head and smiled. “Thank you for forgiving me. Lily, believe me, you are my everything. I promise, you won’t regret this,” I whispered, feeling relieved and a tad overwhelmed by the strength of the connection I felt with her pressed against my chest.

“I guess we have a lot more to talk about,” she mumbled while I held her tightly against me.

“Whatever you need, I’m on it,” I promised.

Smiling, I spun her around so that I was leaning against the wall, positioned her between my legs, and cradled her head to my chest again. Contentment filled my heart the moment I felt her silky hair beneath my fingertips and her warm scalp against my palm.

“Parenthood is going to be our next great adventure. You’re not to worry.

I’ll extend the band’s hiatus. It’s not like any of us needs the money.

Hell, I’m sure Andy and Des would love to collaborate in some fun projects or find other opportunities without the commitment of the band.

And as we know, Drew would be the last to complain.

He’s desperate for some quality family time. ”

Lily lifted her head, and her concerned eyes searched mine. “Now that you know and we’re really doing this, maybe I should tell the guys in my band,” she muttered, sounding worried.

“Take your time,” I countered. “We should tell your mom and dad and my sister, Layla first. After that, I’d like a little time to enjoy the news as well, before we share it with the bands.”

“Drew already knows,” she reminded me.

“Yeah, I’m still kinda mad about that. But in the scheme of things, I can let that slide since his big mouth is what’s brought us to our senses. Although I believe after my reaction, I doubt he’ll be telling anyone else.”

“You need to know I’m still coming to terms with being pregnant. I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy when I found out.”

“I can only imagine… and now?” I asked in a cautious tone.

“I’m slowly coming around. I know, I sound selfish… and guilty, since so many woman have fertility issues. What if I’m not a good mother?” she asked, her face awash with anguish.

“Lily!” I chided and leveled her with an admonishing stare.

“Believe me, you’ll be a great mom. I can imagine that any unplanned pregnancy takes a little time to accept.

And I know why you wanted to wait. But here we are—and I get you.

You’ve always believed you can only master one thing at a time.

That’s why you go above and beyond on any project you commit to.

What I’m hearing is that you don’t know how to manage two things with equal importance. ”

“What if I’m not good at parenting? I mean, I’m an only child. I don’t have any experience with babies.”

“You dote on Elle and Drew’s kids, Jack and Mya’s too, right?” I asked as I rubbed her back through her thick winter coat.

“Yeah, but I can give them back,” she countered, chuckled, then frowned. Panic widened her eyes while she searched my face again. “I mean, how can I be responsible for a tiny human twenty-four-seven, I can barely look after myself.”

I don’t know if it was the awkward way she held herself, or the peculiar, frightened expression on her face, but it suddenly dawned on me exactly what Lily’s issue was.

There was something deeper going on with her, and if what I’d suspected was right, then the timing of making babies had nothing to do with my wife’s reluctance to have a child.

Knowing Lily as I did, how she voiced what she had was more than normal apprehension—Lily was genuinely terrified about the responsibility of being a mom.

“Baby, you won’t be doing this alone,” I whispered to reassure her.

“You’ve already done a great job of looking out for yourself,” I reminded her, “and we’re going to be responsible for our child,” I corrected, emphasizing the ‘we’.

“No one on Earth is born a parent. But there are two of us. You’re not doing this alone. We’ll learn as we go, baby.”

“But what happens when we both need to go to work… and travel?”

“Same as what happens in any family. We take him with us and have great childcare, or one of us stays home for a while.”

“XrAid just signed that contract for three more albums. Like it or not, I don’t have the luxury of staying home right now. I’m obligated to work. And that’s another thing, it worries me… leaving my baby with someone we don’t know. I’ll worry all the time.”

I loved that she’d said my baby and had sounded possessive in how she had said it.

“XrAid will have plenty of time to cut the first album before our baby is born. And trust me, we’ll know anyone we hire to help with our child before any kid of ours is left with him or her.”

“Still…” Lily argued, almost in tears and needing further reassurance.

“Look, I’ll be right by your side the whole time you’re pregnant. And once you have the baby, I’ll take extra leave—paternity leave. You’re entitled to maternity leave as well. And if need be, I’ll tack on another extra year off from touring.”

“You’d do that?” she asked, her lip quivering in her attempt to fight the emotions within her.

“Baby, for you and our child, I’d do anything my family needs from me. Just think how often we’ll get to see each other. Even if you’re working, that won’t be all the time. We’ll base ourselves in Miami for the next couple of years at least. It’ll all work out.”

“I’ve always worried that I might not be maternal,” she confessed.

I stared at her for a beat, knowing how loving she was, and instinctively knew that once our baby was in her arms, she’d struggle to let him go.

But as Lily had found the guts to express her fears, I was the last person who would diminish her thoughts and feelings, no matter how irrational I thought they might be.

I nodded to let her know I’d heard what she’d said. “No one can tell how they’ll feel until they’re faced with a life-changing situation. To most fathers the birth of a baby is a miracle. But I can’t imagine the anxieties a lot of women face while they’re pregnant.”

“You don’t think I’m stupid and getting all inside my head?”

“No, I don’t. Some women think on deeper levels than others.

Some look at all the positive aspects of motherhood, but I can see how the enormity of responsibility might be for someone like you who has to be on her game in front of sixty thousand people, and still meet the responsibilities of nurturing a child.

You’ll worry about how you’ll fit everything in. ”

“Right,” she muttered, like I’d punched a hole in the fears that she carried and sounded relieved that I got it.

“Look, what if we hire a live-in nanny now? She can live with us before the baby arrives. She can be like a pregnancy companion. We’ll find her flaws and she’ll have a good idea of how heavy your commitments are.”

“A nanny before the baby’s here?” she asked, wrinkling her nose up at me.

“Yeah, you can take her shopping and shit, and maybe if you talk to someone who’s an expert in childcare, it’ll give you more confidence during the whole experience.”

“How do you come up with this stuff? It’s like you know exactly what to say to squash my negative feelings when I thought you might think I was crazy.”

“I’d say I’m partly to blame for how you’re feeling right now, since I wasn’t there to support you when you found out about being pregnant. I can only apolo—”

“Don’t! One more sorry and I’ll break down again.”

“Okay, but if you go with my suggestion about the nanny, I’ll help supervise the care of our baby as much as you need once he arrives, to make sure anyone who tends to him follows our instructions to the letter.”

“He?” she mumbled, looking puzzled.

“Oh, it’s a boy. I’m not dealing with baby girls. That’s way beyond my pay grade,” I stated sternly. My heart squeezed when I saw the first unfiltered smile spread across Lily’s face. “See, that’s my girl. We’re going to be amazing parents. Mark my words,” I encouraged softly, close to her ear.

“We should get back, it’s getting dark, and they’ll lock the gates soon,” Lily mumbled, stepping out of my embrace and checking the time on her wristwatch. “There’s only about ten minutes until dusk, then the park gates will get locked.”

“I could think of worse things than being padlocked in a park, in the dark with my sexy wife,” I remarked playfully.

“You won’t say that when you’re locked in our bedroom with me hurling into the toilet bowl in the middle of the night,” she countered dryly, as I took her hand and carefully led her down the pagoda steps.

Once she’d reached the bottom step, I picked her up bride-style, spun around with her in my arms then dropped her to her feet again. “Baby, shake me if I’m sleeping through that, and I’ll be right there, holding your hair, since I can’t be sick for you,” I promised.

She cocked her head from side to side in consideration as we strode purposefully toward the metal gates to exit the park. “That’s fair, you ought to get out of bed with me since this is your baby as well.”

The park warden arrived right as we stepped out onto the sidewalk. “Huh,” I said, stopping when reality dawned on me as to the journey ahead of us. Turning Lily to face me, I cradled her head in my hands and gazed intently toward her, to hold her full attention.

“I know this wasn’t planned and you are doubting yourself right now, but we’re going to be amazing parents.

I’m going to do all that I can to be everything you need, and to be a great dad to our kid,” I said, placing one hand from her head over my heart.

“And I swear to you, I’ll do everything after the baby’s here to support you to keep doing what you love.

Never doubt yourself, baby, because you can still be a kick-ass rock chick as well as a fabulous mom. ”

To cement my point, I dipped my head and kissed her until she was breathless right there on the sidewalk. It was a toe-curling kiss for me since I hadn’t had intimacy in close to two months. When I let her go, I chuckled because Lily looked flushed and a little giddy.

A small, satisfied smile played on her lips as we began to head back to her parents’ place, then she stopped, stared up at me and shook her gorgeous head.

“Alfie Black, what is this voodoo magic you weave around me. How can I go from doubting you in one single breath to hanging on your every word with the next? This morning, I was eighty percent sure I’d need to do this without you and I’m suddenly putty in your hands. ”

“It’s because you have faith in me, Lily. And it probably helps that you’ve missed my big dick, these agile, piston hips and those skills that I have with my mouth and this,” I joked, wagging my tongue at her.

Lily swatted my arm as she bit back a grin. “If this child is a boy, and he inherits your self-confidence, you’d better sharpen those parenting skills because our son might be too hard to handle.”