Page 99 of Ensnared by the Pack: The Complete Series (Destined Realms #3)
AUDREY
“Knox—” I began, but I didn’t know what to say. My soul yearned to reassure him, remind him that we were mates and that I’d never reject him. But my brain was still angry at him for doing exactly that to me.
“You almost died,” he said, his lips brushing across my jaw to find my mouth. “I wasn’t there to protect you and you almost—” He growled, the sound a low rumble in his chest. “Never again. I’ll figure it out. Somehow. You’re mine and I protect what’s mine.”
Ah. So he wasn’t being tender because he was afraid of me rejecting him. He was afraid because I was so weak.
I wanted to yell at him that I wasn’t weak, but Sterling had once again proven that I was. Even my mind was weak, easily manipulated.
God, I was so sick and tired of the same thoughts running through my head over and over again. I didn’t want to be weak. I might not have any power and might not be able to shift, but I could be strong. Humans were strong, or at least stronger than me. They didn’t have any magic and weren’t simpering doormats. Some of them knew how to stand up for themselves and I wanted to be like that. I yearned for that.
Except every time I tried something, I was slapped back down and reminded of my place. And I couldn’t afford to forget that, not now when I couldn’t escape this pack.
Knox deepened our kiss, his desire and determination seeping through our mate bond, and he skimmed his hand down my throat, under my blanket, and along the top of my right breast, so close to my nipple and yet oh so far away.
A shiver of need pebbled the tiny bud, making him smile into our kiss, and I felt his pleasure at my pleasure swell between us. It was a complete circuit, both of us feeding off each other, our need building with each stroke of his tongue against mine and each brush of his fingers over my aching flesh.
Except I wanted to be strong about something. Anything. And giving in to Knox the second an intimate moment present itself wasn’t standing up for myself.
I’d told him I was going to make him beg. If I gave in now, he’d know he could always get what he wanted with a kiss and a gentle touch.
“Knox,” I gasped, pushing his mouth away from mine. “I’m not giving you sex.”
He stared at me, his gaze capturing mine, concern sliding through the desire coming from him along with a hint of surprise as if he didn’t understand why I’d pushed him away.
“I’m still mad at you for hurting me.”
“You should be.” He frowned and for a second it felt like he was reaching through our bond and sifting through all my emotions. “But you’re not. You’re determined.”
He rose onto one elbow to better stare into my eyes and his hand on my breast shifted, the edge of his fingers brushing my nipple and sliding soft heat to my core.
“And you want me to keep touching you,” he said slowly as if he couldn’t understand my emotions.
“I told you’d I’d resist you. That?—”
“That you’d make me beg,” he said, cutting me off. “Even if it goes against what you want?”
“Not having sex won’t hurt me,” I huffed, even though a part of me was starting to ache for him, for the glorious sensations that made all the other complicated, painful emotions, go away. “You thinking you can always get what you want does hurt me. I’ve already lived that life, trapped with alphas that didn’t care what I wanted. I won’t go back to that.” I swallowed at the lump in my throat. “I can’t.” Not with my mate.
My voice broke on the last word and Knox pulled me into his arms, hugging me to his chest, his tenderness surprising me… but then he’d held me after I’d almost drowned as well, giving me strength through our shifter connection and our mating bond.
“You won’t go back to that. I promise. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said, his voice gruff, his desire softening and turning into something heartbreakingly sad. “I’m broken. I didn’t want you stuck with me.”
“I know you were trying to protect me.” But I’d only realized that truth when I’d begged his wolf to let the human half of his soul go and figured out that he’d gone so far as to collar his wolf to keep us apart. It would have been so much easier, and hurt a lot less, if he’d just come out and told me. So much heartache could have been avoided.
“There’s a reason we’re outside on a mattress and not in the big bed in your suite. And it’s not because it’s a nice night,” he said, his voice soft. “You were badly hurt and you needed me to steady your soul as much as I needed you to steady mine.” The muscles in his jaw flexed and a whisper of panic ghosted through our bond. “But I can only be inside for a few hours. Less if I’m stressed.”
The panic grew stronger as if just thinking about it scared him.
“I can’t do crowds, either,” he added, his fear making my breath pick up and my stomach churn. “I don’t really like most people, with or without a crowd. I can’t be a good mate. I can’t give you a mating ceremony or spend the night with you. I can’t hang out with your friends or go to events with you. That’s no way to live.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I’d thought he didn’t want me because I was weak and couldn’t shift, or because he was in love with someone else or afraid of commitment.
Hell, he was afraid of commitment, just not the way I expected.
He didn’t want to commit because he thought he couldn’t. And from the fear bleeding through our bond it wasn’t a matter of him not wanting to do those things. He actually couldn’t .
If we were back in my realm, he’d have access to therapists and psychiatrists — if he could be convinced to see them — and medication. In this realm, his only option for dealing with his phobia was avoidance.
I’d be a horrible person, let alone a terrible mate, if I demanded him to change. I was afraid I couldn’t change from being a weakling, no matter how much I wanted to. I couldn’t expect him to change, either.
This was the reality of our relationship and we were just going to have to figure it out since breaking up wasn’t an option.
“It’s okay,” I said. “I don’t need those things.”
He huffed. “I know you do. I can feel it in our bond. I felt your hurt when I said we couldn’t have a mating ceremony.”
I wanted to deny those words, but I couldn’t, and with him being able to feel my emotions, there was no point in putting up a false front.
A mating ceremony was a proclamation to the pack that we were mated. It told everyone that he wanted me and even though he was trying to protect me from unwanted questions by not having the ceremony — if he could even stand being in that type of gathering with the least amount of people possible — it still hurt. It felt like he was rejecting me all over again even though I knew he wasn’t.
“It hurts because it reminds me of your rejection.” My throat tightened to the point of burning, and I slid my gaze to the two moons, still visible in the lightening sky. The one moon looked like the regular moon in the mortal realm, while the other was smaller and pink, a constant reminder of everything that had happened to me and that I wasn’t home and never would be.
“It’s a hurt that’s going to stick around,” I told him truthfully even though I was afraid of his reaction. “There’s a lot mixed up with it, like how sometimes I’m still that little girl who thinks no one wants her.”
Knox’s grip tightened and he pressed his lips against the top of my head, breathing in my scent.
“I thought it was the right thing to do.” He released a shuddering breath that washed warm over my forehead and cheeks. “And I was scared. You weren’t anything I planned for and it happened so fast and I can’t even come close to the mate you deserve. You should have bonded with Bishop.”
“But I didn’t.”
“You didn’t,” he murmured. “I’m sorry I hurt you and I swear I’ll try.”
His emotions churned, his fear growing stronger, but mixed in with the fear was determination and worry and a hint of surprise.
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, “and I don’t expect you to be anyone other than who you are.” The fear in his emotions churned stronger. “But you need to talk to me. I don’t want to find you like that—” The muscles in his jaw flexed and more worry slid through the bond. “I don’t want to find you like that again.”
“It works both ways,” I told him, making him frown. “The talking part. You need to talk to me, too.”