Page 27 of Duty and Desire

Chapter Twenty-Five

The Royal Palace, Korenz, Eisenland

Nick

I stood by the French doors that opened onto the balcony, watching the sun set on another day filled with meetings, arrangements, more meetings, messages of condolence…

My heartbeat was a dull thud. My head ached. My limbs felt like I had lead weights attached to them. And in my mind, I was watching another sunset, the most perfect I’d ever experienced.

What made it so had been the company, but he was more than sixteen thousand kilometers away.

It’s over.

It was an illusion.

A soft knock at the door startled me, but I ignored it. I didn’t want to see anyone. I’d had my fill of people, and I hadn’t been back in the palace for forty-eight hours.

Then I remembered there were tasks to complete.

A state funeral to arrange .

Decisions to be made.

“Come in.” I couldn’t rein in my weariness: It was probably Daniela Risch, my father’s very efficient Royal Attaché, but who was also a terrier.

God, she reminds me of Claudia. Except Claudia was human.

I sighed. I knew I wasn’t being fair. In all likelihood she was a pleasant person when she wasn’t embroiled in the affairs of state.

Maybe.

The door opened, and I slumped my shoulders in relief to hear Franz’s low, calm voice. “I’ve brought you some tea, Your Majesty.”

I turned. “And since when is that one of your duties? Plus, I don’t remember asking for any tea.”

Even eating was a chore.

“You didn’t, but I recall you drinking this.” Franz indicated the china tea pot. “It’s lemon and ginger. You drank a lot of it—when you weren’t with him.”

And just like that, I was back on the island, back to that night, hearing Gio’s frantic voice—and remembering what had followed our conversation.

Our first time.

I didn’t want to think about it. About him. It was still too raw, too painful.

I frowned. “Are you really going to refer to me as Your Majesty? I thought we’d got past that.

” I straightened. “I think I liked it better when you called me Nick.” He opened his mouth and I held my hand up.

“I know, protocol. But it’s just the two of us, and I won’t tell Miss Risch if you won’t.

” I stilled. “And you can say his name. I won’t break. ”

I’d done my share of breaking. What mattered now was piecing me back together, except it wouldn’t be as Nick Wenzel anymore.

Now I was King Nikolaus. I’d been that the moment my father and brother drew their last breaths. The coronation was in its planning stages, and I was swept along on a tide of efficient organization.

I gestured to the tray Franz had brought. “Two cups?”

His sad smile reminded me he was in mourning too. “I thought you might like to see a friendly face—Nick.”

My face tingled. “Thank you.” I sat in one of the two armchairs in the middle of the room. I watched him pour the fragrant liquid into the delicate cups, before handing one to me. I inhaled, drawing its spicy citrus notes into my lungs.

Franz occupied the remaining chair, his cup on the table in front of him. “Someone told me Her Royal Highness has left the palace.”

I sighed. Gabriele hadn’t been there to meet me when I arrived, but I hadn’t expected to see her. Gabriele’s world had caved in on her, and she’d fled to the arms of her parents.

“She left me a note. She needs time to heal.” She’d shared news of her pregnancy, but it was early days, and her health had always been delicate.

She couldn’t stay here, when everything around her was a reminder of my brother. And there are some times when all a girl really needs is her mother.

“Can I ask you something personal?”

I forced a smile. “Yes. And you’re probably the only person within these walls that I would say that to.”

“You loved Gio, didn’t you?”

My throat tightened, and I took a sip of hot tea. “It was that obvious, huh?”

What pained me was the use of the past tense.

Franz let out a soft chuckle. “Now that you mention it… But that wasn’t what I wanted to ask.” He leaned forward, his hands clasped between his knees. “If you loved him, why did you keep your identity a secret?”

Bitter laughter rolled out of me. “I don’t think I can answer that with a simple reply.”

“Then don’t keep it simple,” he blurted. “It’s just us. And I won’t breathe a word, you know that.”

I did .

I rested my elbows on the arms of the chair, and stared into my cup.

“I suppose in the beginning, I was afraid he’d only love me when I was ordinary Nick Wenzel. That if I revealed my true identity, he’d see me differently.”

“You thought he’d reject you?”

I nodded. “What scared me was our relationship becoming more about my title than me as a person.”

Franz pursed his lips. “I watched the pair of you. I don’t think he would have taken that route.”

I huffed. “I don’t think so either, but that’s with the benefit of hindsight.

The more time we spent together, the more I was gripped by the fear of losing him.

What if once he knew the truth, he saw me for who I really am—a person trapped by obligations?

And those obligations could create a chasm between us. ”

Listen to me. I didn’t even sound like Nick Wenzel anymore. I’d already slipped back into the pattern of speech I’d employed most of my life, as if my subconscious was pushing Nick out of the nest like some cuckoo.

“What do you mean?”

I expelled a long breath. “Think about it. Gio would have had every right to feel as if he were in an impossible situation—in love with someone who would always be tethered to a life he couldn’t share.

” I swallowed hard. “And I didn’t want him to feel pressured to love me out of obligation or royal duty.

That’s why I was going to tell him the truth.

The deception… it was starting to weigh heavily on me.

I knew our time together was fleeting, but part of me believed we’d find a way around that.

A way to make it last.” I closed my eyes.

“Revealing who I was—to anyone on the island—might have stripped away the escape I’d found.

I led a simple, carefree life. A normal life, far away from the pressure of royal duties, my father’s expectations… I’d come to cherish that normalcy.”

There was silence for a moment .

“I can think of another reason why you kept your identity secret, and it has nothing to do with Gio.”

I opened my eyes. “Oh?”

Franz nodded, his expression thoughtful.

“You may have been in hiding, but you still had a strong sense of duty to your kingdom, your country.” He cocked his head to one side.

“Revealing yourself? That would force you to confront all those things you’ve been avoiding—political responsibilities, the pressure to marry, your father’s expectations that one day you would return home.

Keeping your identity secret allowed you to push all those burdens aside.

” His eyes held compassion once more. “But I think in doing so, all you did was create inner conflict, about your future, your eventual return to royal life.” He let out a sigh.

“And I also think all this subterfuge took an emotional toll on you. There must have been an element of never letting Gio get too close to a truth that could change everything.”

I stared at him, the tension easing from my shoulders. “I had you all wrong, Franz.” For one thing, he was far more eloquent than I would have believed.

He blinked. “You did?”

I smiled. “Three years on the island, and I saw you as an encumbrance, a reminder of the life I’d left here—the guard dog sent to watch over me, a link between myself and my family. A link I resented.”

“I may have been that in the beginning.” His expression grew rueful. “It might surprise you to learn what changed my view of you.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Please, tell me.”

Franz’s smile softened his features. “I watched you fall in love.” He reached into his pocket and removed his phone.

My breathing hitched, and he winced. “No, I can’t let you call Gio.

That wouldn’t be fair, on either of you.

I meant what I said. A clean break was the only way to end it.

But there is someone who’s been trying to contact you. ”

I broke into a smile. “Claudia.” I could really do with a dose of her right then .

He chuckled. “Who else?”

“What time is it where she is?” Asking my brain to compute that when it had so much else cluttering it up… It wasn’t going to happen.

“They’re about six hours behind us.” He didn’t hand me his phone, however. “I’ll be standing outside while you talk to her, but you must promise me?—”

My leaden heart sank. “I won’t call him. Besides, I wouldn’t know what to say to him.” And I was too scared of how he’d react.

Franz studied me for a moment, then gave a nod. He tapped the screen and put the phone to his ear. “Hey. I’ve got someone here you might want to talk to.”

I couldn’t miss Claudia’s shriek.

Franz gave me the phone before heading out the door.

As soon as it closed, I hit Speaker. “Where are you?”

“In the US. Nick—I can still call you that, right?”

“If you call me anything else, I’m hanging up.”

She laughed. “Thank God.” There was a pause. “I’m so sorry to hear about your father and brother.”

“Thank you.” What had shocked me were my feelings of grief. I hadn’t expected to feel such depth of emotion at their passing. All the way home—twenty hours from Tahiti in a jet—hot tears had pricked my eyes, and those moments still persisted.

Except grief then had given way to guilt. The times I’d ignored letters, phone calls, not that there had been many of those…The state occasions I’d missed, not wanting to be anywhere near my family.

And now it was too late.

“Franz told me, by the way. How you left the island.”

I heard the unspoken rebuke.

How you didn’t tell Gio what had happened.

“Did he also tell you how he escorted me onto a boat with less than five minutes’ warning?

How he confiscated my phone?” Before she could come back with a response, I let out a heavy sigh.

“None of that matters anymore. It’s over.

And as far as Karoline is concerned, it never happened.

” I caught the hitch in her breathing. “Yes, Karoline. My soon-to-be-wife, remember? My Royal Attaché is already talking about a ball next month, to celebrate the upcoming marriage, my accession…After the funeral, of course. Before would be tacky, don’t you think? ”

Silence fell, and I regretted my bitter words.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Nick… You… you can’t go ahead with this.” She sounded aghast.

“It isn’t as though I have much option. I’m the last of the royal line. There’s the next generation to think of. And with that in mind, the last thing I want finding its way to her ears is my affair with a man. No one can know about Gio, do you understand? No one.”

My life is not my own anymore. I’m going to be thrust into the spotlight, and whatever happened on Bora-Bora will have to remain in the shadows.

“Nick, please. You can’t live a lie. It will tear you apart. And it will tear your marriage apart too. Just think for a minute, okay? Think about what you’re saying. You’re gay , sweetheart. As gay as a three-dollar bill. So what are you going to do? Fake it? For the rest of your life?”

I raised my eyes to the ceiling. “And what options do I have?” The words came out more forcefully than I’d intended.

“If this is how every conversation is going to go before I get to the altar, then maybe it would be best if you didn’t call me again.

” I ignored her sharp intake of breath. “I’m sure your would-be boyfriend will keep you up-to-date on current affairs.

Have a good life, Claudia. Thank you for being a friend. ”

I hung up, shaking like a leaf.

My eyes were gritty, and I cringed to recall every word I’d just uttered, but it was too late now.

I seem to be saying that a lot lately.

Franz came in, his face haggard. “That didn’t sound good toward the end.”

“You were listening?”

His gaze narrowed. “I think everyone on this floor heard you.”

I thrust the phone into his hand. “Thank you. I won’t need that again.”

“And if she calls back? Or emails?”

A stark reminder that I was the second person to see my mail.

Damn protocols.

I was about to tell him not to bother me if she did, but I stopped short. My stomach was in knots, and all I could hear was that hitch in her breathing.

How could I do that to her?

I needed to leave that particular door open.

I swallowed. “You can pass on any messages.”

Emotional pain tormented me, feelings of self-loathing filled me, but it wasn’t right to lay all my hurt and anguish on her doorstep. She didn’t deserve that.

“Daniela Risch called to say she’ll be here in the morning.”

“Great,” I murmured. “I’ll look forward to that.”

Franz stifled a snort.

I picked up my cup of tea and grimaced. It was cold.

“Want me to bring you some more?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want any more reminders. I already had a head full of memories, enough to last a lifetime.

What flitted through my brain fired a sharp pain into my chest.

I miss you, Gio.

That wasn’t going away anytime soon either.