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eight

I did not want to come to class today, but I have no choice.

After the disastrous date from two nights ago, I’ve been refusing to even talk to anyone. Clay has been the pushy older brother trying to get me to talk to him about what he saw at the club. Grace is the epitome of her name, texting me only once to tell me she is here when I want to talk. Peyton has been the hardest to ignore since we share a room, but she’s been mysteriously staying the night somewhere else since I reamed her ass for sending Grace and Clay to my date.

Then there’s Kellan. He has texted three times since our date.

The night of, he asked me to let him know I made it safely home. I did text him back out of fear he would show up. He didn’t say anything after that until the next morning. He wished me a good morning and said he would be here when I wanted to talk.

This morning’s text was the same.

Only, I have to see him today because he is the TA in my class. I wish his professor had told him that he couldn’t date a student in a class he TAs. That would have saved me the tears and sorrow.

It sounds ridiculous when we have only been dating a couple of weeks, but I miss him. I didn’t realize what all the little text conversations we had were doing to me. It made me crave his attention. Now that I don’t have it, I feel empty.

Walking up to the steps of the building, I bristle when I see Kellan standing there with a single marigold and a box of my favorite chocolates.

“You can’t buy me with gifts, Kellan.” I glare at him before walking into the building.

He follows behind me. “I know, but I didn’t want to show up empty-handed. Clay and Grace said you would like these. I wish I had time to learn that for myself, but I was desperate.”

He talked to my brother and Grace? Why would he even bother? Probably to prove to them he was over them for real this time. The truth is the opposite of love isn’t hate, as many people believe. No, the opposite of love is indifference. It’s not caring what that person does anymore. They don’t even register in your brain.

The effort he seems to be putting into showing them how okay he is shows he’s not over it. I wish he was, though.

“Keep them. I don’t want them.”

He stops me before I enter the class.

“Five minutes. I don’t deserve it, but please give me five minutes of your time to at least apologize.”

He looks so sincere. I want to say yes, but I find myself shaking my head.

He nods once, looking like a dejected puppy. “Like you said. You won’t know if you don’t ask. Even if the rejection stings. Please take these. I have no idea what to do with them otherwise. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise.”

He holds out the flower and candies. I take them. Then I go into class, ready to ignore him for the entirety of it.

Only it doesn’t work.

While the teacher drones on and on about shit I really need to pay attention to, I find my gaze flitting back to Kellan in the corner as he grades our first homework assignment.

I really do want to hear him out. I should talk to him, right? I hate that I am even questioning myself right now.

He picks up the next paper, his finger caressing the top of the page where the name usually is. He looks up, finding me already looking at him. I can see the way his chest moves as he sighs. He gives me a sad smile before setting the paper aside. Then he continues his work.

It’s that sad smile that sticks in my head. When the professor finally lets us out of class, I find myself walking to the front to stand in front of where Kellan is putting his stuff away.

“Five minutes and not a second longer,” I tell him.

He looks up at me, surprised. “You won’t regret it. I promise.”

The problem is I already do. All the wall building I did around my heart the past two days feels flimsy.

I want to believe in whatever he says. I just don’t know if I can trust him.

Maybe we were a mistake. Going into this knowing his past as intimately as I did, with being close friends with Grace and seeing what she experienced last year, made me biased against him.

I never really gave him a true shot if I’m being honest. In the back of my mind, I have been holding on to that knowledge and letting it tint everything he has shown me. It’s like rose-colored glasses, except these only show you the shitty parts of things.

The paranoia. The questioning every single thing he does and says.

I feel like we are doomed.

Still, I follow him as he leads the way from the classroom. He doesn’t speak until we step outside.

“Did I waste a few minutes getting us somewhere semi-private, or can my five minutes start now?” he asks, that boyish charm slipping through.

“They can start now. Let’s walk toward the cafeteria.”

He does as I ask, walking in the direction I told him.

Several seconds go by without him saying a word. It has my anger rising back up inside me. Why did he even seek me out if he wasn’t going to talk to me?

I wait another thirty seconds or so before I speak to him, my sass coming on through.

“Did you want to waste the last five minutes you have in my presence in silence, or did you have something to say? I won’t grant you another if you don’t say a word.”

He looks over at me, a small smile on his lips.

Then he speaks, shocking me.

* * *

“I love that about you. You never bullshit anyone. I’m going to be completely honest and transparent with you right now. I worried so much about getting you to talk to me, which I never thought was going to happen, by the way, that I never once considered what I would say now that I have your attention. I’m tongue-tied. I feel like a fucking idiot. Not only for hurting you the other night, but for not even being able to put into words how I feel right now. That’s why I was silent. I was trying to figure out how to start this without it ending before it even began.”

She looks up at me, eyes wide.

“You have five minutes, Kellan. Just speak, and if I need clarification, I’ll ask.”

I nod. “Okay then. You think that I kissed you the other night because I knew Clay and Grace were there. I didn’t. I know why you thought that. I won’t lie to you and tell you I’ve never been to that club before. Monica loved it. We went all the time last year, so I knew that the security guards would break us up for kissing. They don’t like to deal with couples sneaking off into nooks and crannies to fuck, so they try to stop it before it gets that far. That’s what I was doing before our kiss. I was determining if I could get away with it before some guy pulled me off of you. It’s why I looked again afterward to see if I could see anyone headed our way. That’s when I saw Clay and Grace. After, not before. So I didn’t kiss you for any other reason than it was killing me not to.”

She looks as if she is absorbing my words, so I go on.

“I want to shoot myself for the fact that you feel like I ruined your potential last first kiss because it means that for once in my life, I was on the same page with the woman I was dating. It’s always been the girl planning our wedding and picking out kids’ names early in the relationship, and I went along with it because I didn’t know any better. How could I when I didn’t know what having a connection with someone should feel like? Then I met you, and I could see it. The white picket fence with the three kids. Maybe a dog or two. I saw it, and it was you who was standing next to me. I’m not saying it’s love. I’m not sure I even know what that is, but it would be too soon to declare it anyway, but I saw a future with you. A real one. I wanted that. I do want that. I know now that I ruined it, though. Maybe not the other night, but in the past.”

I take a deep breath, stopping to turn to face her. She stops with me, her eyes glistening with tears.

I’m fucking all of this up.

Rubbing my hand down my face, I look to the sky.

“You deserve better than me. That’s without a doubt. I’m a screw-up. I don’t know what I’m doing. Hell, I fucked up the only relationship I ever had in my life with Grace under the notion that I was in love with her. I’m going to tell you something I have never told another soul and likely never will after you. Even when I pursued Grace, I knew I wasn’t in love with her. It was such a dick move, which is why I avoided her most of the time. It’s the real reason I kept flaking on our conversations. All I could think about was the conversations my mom would have with me growing up, telling me how wonderful it would be if I married Grace. That it was my responsibility to protect her and keep her safe always. The pressure it put on me had me acting without truly knowing what I was doing. It’s the same reason I can’t even be in a room with her anymore. Every time I look at her, all I can think about is the fact that my mother loved the idea of us being together so much that I let it ruin the single most important friendship I have ever had in my life, and I will never get it back.”

I swallow back the tears as my eyes start to sting.

“I know that our friendship can never be the same as it was. I would murder any asshole who hurt that girl, and there I was being the one who needed to be murdered. That’s when I knew I needed to change. I realized I dated all those girls hoping that I would find someone who would release me from the obligation I put on myself to marry Grace. Once I figured out the problem was me, I knew I needed to work on myself, and that was what I was doing. I never planned to date you, beautiful.” I reach out and cup her face. “You were never part of the plan. I should have kept walking that night and saved you the heartache. Know that even though it was short-lived, you changed my life irrevocably. You made me a better man, and I will continue to try and be that man until the day I die. You taught me that.”

“You done?” She sniffles.

I shake my head no.

“Continue then,” she whispers.

“You are the epitome of beautiful. You are kind, smart, funny, and the best person I have ever met in my life. I want you to go find happiness no matter what that looks like for you. Know that no matter what, I will be rooting you on, even if we never speak again. You are going to do great things in this world. I only wish I was going to be there to see it.”

I lift her hand to my mouth, bowing slightly, kissing the back of it. I linger for several seconds, a tear escaping without my permission. I wipe it away quickly before straightening back up.

I don’t bother to say goodbye. I’ve never liked them much. It feels so permanent.

Instead, I give her a tight smile, turning to walk away.

In my head, I keep chanting to myself to keep walking. The urge to turn around and beg on my knees for her to give us another shot riding me strong.

I don’t get far when I hear her call out my nickname.

“Hotshot.”

I turn, facing her.

“Don’t give up quite yet.” Her face softens. “Call me later? I’d maybe love to hear more about this new man I made out of you.”

I let out a short laugh, the relief filling me. “I will.”

Turning, I pull out my phone and stop next to a tree. I watch as she walks into the cafeteria before I dial her number.

She answers on the second ring. “Did you forget to say something?”

“It’s later. So when can we have this date?”

The sound of her laughter makes me feel like everything might be all right after all.