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ONE MONTH LATER

L ooking around my dorm room, I can’t help but smile.

I made it.

There were a few times when I wondered if I would be able to make the grades to qualify for a grant so that I could go to college. It was conflicting for me.

Part of me is happy to be here at the same college as my older brother. It feels nice to be out of the house and on my own. No one to answer to but myself.

On the other hand, I was never sold on college. I know I need a degree, but not knowing what I want to do with my life has me wondering if this is all a waste of time and money.

“Do you love it?” Grace asks.

I shrug. “It’s a small room. Are you going to be able to put up with me?” I ask Peyton.

She smiles. “Can’t be any worse than Grace here. Besides, I work a lot, so I won’t even be here most of the time.”

“I can attest to that. I still wish you would have moved in with me. I have two extra rooms,” Grace says.

“Well, Cora couldn’t move in with you, and the college covers my room and board if I stay here, so it made sense.”

It’s true. Being a freshman on the grant I’m on, I’m required to live in a dorm on campus. I don’t mind it, though. I don’t need my brother hanging around all the time, which I know he will be doing with Grace living there.

“I appreciate you sacrificing for me,” I tell Peyton.

“Anytime, boo.” She winks.

“Well, next year you are both moving in with me, no questions. Don’t even argue, Peyton. You know I don’t want your money. I let you go this year for Cora, but next year it’s us. Got it?” Grace gives a pointed look.

I hold my hands up. “Yes, ma’am. Do you order my brother around like that? Never mind, I don’t want to know.”

We all laugh at that.

“You get all your stuff from orientation and all that?” Grace asks.

“Yep. I even got signed up for this volunteer work at the local child welfare agency. I guess they need people to supervise visitation for some of the easier cases. It’s a new initiative they are starting. I’m excited for it,” I tell them.

“Oh, child welfare is hard, though, right? Seeing those kids not being placed with their parents?” Grace asks.

Peyton gives me a look. She gets it like I do. I grew up without a father and had a mother who worked all the time. Peyton lost her parents. We get where these kids will be at mentally. At least partially.

“It is, but someone has to do it, and I feel like I can make a real difference.”

She beams at me. “You have such a wonderful heart. If I wasn’t so overwhelmed with my schedule this semester, I would volunteer too. Remind me next semester, and I will try to work it in.”

I know the company could use more volunteers, but I won’t be reminding her. I want this to be something for only me, but I still say, “Of course.”

“I will not be volunteering,” Peyton starts. “Does it make me a bad person if I want to stay as far away from that field of work as possible?”

“Not at all. You lived it already. You don’t need to make it your entire life. Some people want to give back while others want to move on with their lives. That’s normal,” I tell her, remembering something one of my teachers in school once said to me.

It’s your choice where you take your life. You are a product of your raising, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t veer from the course you are on. Only you decide what your destiny is.

It has stuck with me ever since. Even on the preplanned road that my brother and mother put me on, I still think about what my destiny will be.

“I feel for the kids, but it’s not something I can handle mentally. I’m proud of you for giving it a go. If it’s too much, don’t feel bad for quitting. Trust me, those kids need someone who cares, not someone forcing themselves to be there,” Peyton tells me.

It makes me wonder what happened to her growing up. I know the basics, but she never wanted to go into it further. Not that I blame her. I wouldn’t want to dwell on the worst parts of my life either.

“Anyway, I start training on Monday for that. I should be able to sit in on my first visitation by the end of the week.”

Grace stands, coming to give me a hug. “So proud of you, babe.”

Peyton comes over, hugging me too, putting us in a big group hug. “We are all going to do great things one day,” Peyton murmurs.

“I wish I knew what I wanted to do,” I admit softly.

“You’re a freshman. It will come to you,” Grace comforts me.

When we pull back, I change the subject. “There’s a party tonight at one of the football player’s houses. Either of you want to go?” I ask.

“Sorry, I have work. I have to be there at seven. What time is your party? I can walk you there so you aren’t alone,” Peyton offers.

“No thanks. A few of the girls from orientation are meeting downstairs. We were going to head over together. Grace, you in?” I ask.

“Clay and I have plans, but I can ask him to change them. You probably should have someone there looking out for you.” Grace picks up her phone, but I put my hand over it.

“No, you keep your plans. I won’t be alone, and before you say anything, don’t worry. I will be smart. I don’t need you two chaperoning. I am a legal adult now,” I tell her.

She rolls her eyes. “Yes, but you will always be Clay’s little sister in his eyes. He is going to be pissed that I didn’t tell him about this. He would want to be there.”

“So he can be a buzzkill? No thanks. You don’t want to lie to him, though. If he asks, tell him where I’m going to be, but I also want you to tell him to think about his actions. If he embarrasses me, I still have that picture of him standing naked and peeing into the snow that I have no problem sharing all over social media.”

Grace laughs. “All right. Point taken. I will tell him to mind his business. You call if you need a ride, though. We will come get you no matter what.”

“I’m not interrupting date night.” I give her a look.

“We will be sitting at the house binge-watching a new show. You will call if you need us or we will be at the party. Compromise, Cora.”

I hate when she gets that mom tone. I know it’s because she cares, but sometimes I wish she was my friend more than Clay’s girlfriend.

“Fine.”

My phone pings with an alert from the girls.

“They are getting ready downstairs. I’m going to go hang out with them for a bit. Thank you both for helping me move in and being here for me. I love you guys.”

“Anytime. I should get going too. Clay will be out of practice soon. I have his car, you need a ride, Peyton?”

She shakes her head. “I have a ride. Thanks, though.”

Grace heads out the door first, but Peyton grabs my arm, stopping me. “I get it. If you need a ride, call me. I can find you a ride,” she whispers to me.

I peck her on the cheek. “You’re the best, Peyton. Have fun at work.”

Her laughter follows me down the hall. I’m so happy I decided to room with Peyton.

This is going to be one hell of a year.

* * *

I don’t even know why I’m here.

Looking around at all the people milling about as they drink, I wonder how my life became this.

In high school, I was the life of the party. If I didn’t have a group of guys hanging on my every word, then I had a girl on my arm. I never spent any time alone.

Not anymore.

Now I’m sitting in a chair in the backyard of some shitty football party after one of the incoming freshmen on the hockey team begged me to come with him.

I look over to him now, making out with some girl against the fence. I shake my head.

Calvin needs to find better things to do.

As soon as the thought hits me, I feel guilty.

Last year, I was Calvin. I would be shitfaced with my tongue down my girlfriend’s throat while I ignored everyone around me. I would abandon my friends to do it too. Man, I was such a shitty person last year.

Now I’m sitting here, nursing a beer and judging all the people around me. My, how the mighty have fallen.

I should leave. There’s nothing for me here anymore.

Standing, I consider telling Calvin goodbye, but then I see his hand down the girl’s pants and decide it’s best I just go. Besides, we walked. He can find his own way home.

I chug the rest of my beer and toss the cup in the trash by the back door.

“Hey, you there. Come here,” a feminine voice calls out.

I reach for the door when a hand touches my arm.

“I’m not interested. I’m sure you are a great lay and would rock my world, but I’m not a one-and-done guy, and, well, I’m not looking for forever either,” I spit out, not bothering to turn toward her.

I expect venom. That’s what I usually get when I turn a girl down, but instead, she snorts.

Her hand leaves my skin, causing me to turn and look at her.

She’s a pretty little thing. Shorter than me. Dark hair pulled back in a messy bun and brown eyes that look like they could pierce my soul.

“Awfully full of yourself there, hotshot. I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t God’s gift to women. Not everyone wants to get into your pants. I know it’s a hit to the ego, but I’m sure you’ll recover.” She winks at me as she turns to leave.

I stand there shocked. She’s feisty as hell. She hit a sore spot for sure. I’m still coming to terms with my new version of reality. The one that doesn’t always get what he wants. So to have her call me out makes me feel seen in a way I haven’t felt in a while.

It’s nice.

Maybe that’s why I trail after her.

“If you weren’t trying to hit on me, what did you want then?” I ask her as she reaches the beer pong table.

“We wanted to play a game, but I don’t have a partner. Thought you looked like you knew how to handle some balls. Guess I was wrong.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal that she is ribbing the fuck out of me.

I assume she made the joke because we are at a football house, but I don’t play with balls. Pucks are more my thing, but she doesn’t need to know that. For one night, maybe I can forget about all my drama and enjoy myself for just a bit.

I can go back to wallowing in my hole after.

Decision made, I step up to her side, looking across the table at the other couple. “All right, I’ll play.”

She shakes her head, patting my arm. “Move along. I don’t need some hotshot on my team. I need a winner. I’ll find someone else.”

“I happen to be the best beer pong player here, so anyone else would be settling. Do you want to win or not?”

She sizes me up. While she does, I take a moment to take her in once more. She would have been my type in a heartbeat last year. I would have had her as my girlfriend by the end of the night. Then months down the road, I would break her heart because no matter who I dated, I never truly gave them all of myself. I always held something back.

I always thought they were the issue. That I was struggling to find the one, but maybe the truth is that I’m the problem. I need to work on myself before I can ever dream of finding my person.

It’s a painful lesson to learn, but I’m glad I did.

Finally meeting the girl’s eyes again, she smirks at me. She looks so damn familiar. Like I’ve seen her around before.

“Were you in one of my classes last year?”

The question surprises her as she shakes her head. “I’m a freshman.”

Weird, but who knows. I’ve been walking around like a zombie lately. Maybe I’ve seen her on campus, but doesn’t really matter. No matter how beautiful she is, I can’t go there with her. Even if I like the way she is looking at me. Or if my chest feels lighter when she picks on me.

“Are we going to play or what?” I ask after a moment.

She laughs, and I swear it makes me feel like I won the lottery. She has a nice laugh.

It’s nice to flirt with someone again. For the moment, I feel like I’ve found a part of myself that I’ve lost.

I don’t want to lose it again.

“Sure thing, hotshot. Show me what you’ve got.”

Just like that, my night goes from some sad, pitiful existence to laughter and fun. Maybe I should thank Calvin for dragging me to this party with him. I never imagined that it would change my life, but here I am.

The first genuine smile on my face since I lost Grace.