Page 1

prologue

T he summer sun beats down on me as I walk down the street with my mom. My shirt is already clinging to my skin.

I can’t wait for the summer to end and for it to be bearable outside.

“Okay, did you make a list of things you need?” my mom asks.

“Mom, school doesn’t start for another month. We don’t need to buy anything right now,” I remind her.

“You know I hate doing things at the last minute. I’d rather we get you what you need now so that way if something isn’t in stock, we have plenty of time to order it.”

I sigh, rubbing my hand over my face. If I would have known that she would start nagging at me so early, I would have stayed in bed.

“No, I don’t have a list,” I admit.

My mom sighs in disappointment, which is nothing new. It feels like this summer I haven’t been able to do anything right in her eyes. She heard all about how me and Grace had a falling out, but not from me. No, Grace’s mom and mine have weekly dinners. Seems I’m the villain in everyone’s eyes.

No one even stopped to ask me my side of things. Not that it matters. None of it matters anymore.

She grabs my arm and points across the street. “Oh look, there’s Gracie.”

I look over and fight the urge to cringe when I see her with Clay. It’s bad enough to have to see them at school, but seeing them here in our hometown somehow makes it worse.

Or maybe it’s my own feelings on it. I feel like I should be heartbroken. I should be devastated that I lost the love of my life. Instead, I feel numb. Like there is nothing inside of me.

That is until I see Clay.

I feel betrayed by him. Sure, he owed me nothing, but I had built him up so much in my head that I feel like he waltzed in and stole the life I imagined for myself. It’s hard moving on from that.

“Gracie!” Mom hollers.

“Mom, they probably don’t want to be bothered,” I hiss.

Grace looks over and smiles when she sees my mom. When her eyes move over to me, it falters for a moment but stays intact. I watch as hand in hand they check both ways before crossing the street, heading our way.

Shit.

I knew it would happen eventually, but I haven’t talked to Grace since the beginning of the summer when I told her I needed space and time. It about killed me to have that conversation with her, but it needed to happen.

She’s moved on with her life, and I can’t blame her for it. No matter how I feel, she deserves to be happy.

I’m just not ready to see it yet.

I’ve seen her around town over the summer but have ducked out of sight before she could see me. That’s how far I was willing to go to keep this space I created between us.

It feels wrong. Grace has always been by my side through everything. Losing her has felt like losing a limb. I still get phantom pains sometimes, but when I look, she’s never there.

For the first time in weeks, hell, months, I truly look at the woman who I used to consider my best friend. She looks different yet the same. Her hair is a little longer, her glasses are perched on her nose, and her skin is tan from spending time outside. Most of all, though, she looks happy.

My heart pangs. Not necessarily in jealousy but over the fact that she’s so upbeat, and I don’t know why. I don’t know anything about her, and it kills me. I used to know the reason behind her smiles and her tears, and now I don’t. I’m starting to wonder if I ever really knew her or if she was the Grace she thought she needed to be for me.

That hurts me more than anything else.

“Look at you,” Mom says, pulling me out of my head as she embraces Grace. “I’ve missed you this summer.”

Grace winces as her eyes dart to me and then back to my mom. “I know, I’m sorry. This summer has just been so crazy. I feel like I’ve barely had any time to sleep, let alone hang out with anyone.”

It’s a lie that she doesn’t need to tell. She knows as well as I do that our mothers hang out all the time. There is no way her mother didn’t tell mine what a douchebag I was to Grace. It’s the only reason I can come up with for how my mother has been looking at me lately. I know she loves me, but she is also disappointed in how I acted with Grace. At least, what she knows of it. I don’t blame her.

“Well, it definitely isn’t the same without you. I know Kellan feels the same way,” my mom tells her.

Clay looks over at me and raises a brow, but I ignore him.

“Yeah, my mom made a comment that our grocery bill wasn’t as high this summer as it usually is,” Grace quips, making my mom laugh.

“I love your mother.” Mom looks over at Clay. “And how are you, Clayton? Are you treating our girl well?”

“I’m well, Mrs. Cooper, and I’m trying.” He looks down at Grace, and they share a look.

I can’t help but look away, feeling like I’m an intruder in their bubble.

“What are you two doing today?” Grace asks.

“Oh, I needed to run some errands, and I made Kellan come with me to get out of the house. I wanted to pick him up some supplies for college, but he hasn’t made a list of what he needs yet.”

The corners of Grace’s lips kick up. “I’m not surprised.”

Mom claps her hands and clasps them under her chin. “Oh, I just had the most lovely idea. You two should join us for dinner tonight if you don’t have plans.”

I bite back a groan.

I might be numb where my feelings for Grace are concerned, but the last thing I want to do is sit across the table from them and share a meal. Not now, not yet, and possibly never.

Clay makes a sound in the back of his throat and tries to cover it with a cough.

Huh, it seems like we’re on the same page about something for once. Shocking.

Panic crosses Grace’s face, and she wrings her hands together in front of her. “Oh, I would love to, but unfortunately, we have plans. We’re actually headed over to Clay’s mom’s house for a week before we have to head back to campus. We just stopped to grab some chocolate from the bakery for his sister.”

My mom’s bottom lip wobbles. “Oh no. Well, that’s okay, we can always try again another time.”

“Of course,” Grace says smoothly.

“And you won’t be home before you go back to school? You said you’re leaving early?” Mom asks.

“Yes, as you know, the boys have to go early for hockey practice, but the lease on the place I’m moving into became available early. Instead of paying for an empty place for a couple of weeks, I’m just going to go get settled in now,” Grace tells her.

“All right then, well the next time you are home, you better stop by,” Mom says as she pulls Grace in for a hug.

I watch as Grace’s eyes close and she leans into my mom’s embrace. It’s clear that she’s missed my mom, something I had never thought about until now. This summer I’ve thought about her parents and have missed the conversations we would have, but I never thought about how she might feel the same way.

Shit, maybe I really am a self-centered jackass.

I miss what Grace says and watch as she pulls away from my mom. She turns toward me and smiles.

“See you on campus?” Grace gives me a tight smile.

I think what bothers me most is that I know she would forgive me the minute I suck it up and apologize to her for everything. Not the half-assed shit I gave her at the end of the year, but a true apology, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

I’m such a mess.

I nod. “You know it.” I look over at Clay. “See you at camp.”

“For sure. Make sure you keep practicing those drills and stay in shape.”

Grace rolls her eyes but smiles. “Come on before you guys start talking hockey.” She waves as she pulls him back across the street.

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I watch them go. Once they’ve slipped into the bakery, I turn back toward my mom and find her looking at me.

“What?”

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened?” Her words shock me.

She hasn’t asked once about it. I thought she took Grace’s side to heart and decided she didn’t need to know mine.

I start walking, and she falls into step beside me. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Mom sighs. “Kellan Henry Cooper, I didn’t raise you to be a liar. Now tell me what happened between you two. You know I already know parts of it. Tell me why you have been moping all summer.”

I cringe, hating when she says my full name. It makes me feel like I’m five all over again and in trouble for spilling paint all over her freshly shampooed carpet that ended up having to be replaced.

My jaw clenches. “Long story short, I admitted to Grace I had feelings for her, but it was too late. She had already started dating Clay, and shit got messy.”

She makes a noise of disappointment, making me hang my head.

“You know, I knew this would happen,” she admits.

Frowning, I look over at her. “What do you mean?”

She looks at me with pity before looking back down the street. “You, my boy, have always gotten what you wanted when you’ve wanted it. You’ve always been good at everything and have never struggled. Everyone knew that Grace had feelings for you, but we watched you ignore them. It was clear that you thought she would just wait, but a girl like her, she won’t wait forever, and you learned that the hard way.”

I grunt, not wanting to tell her she’s not wrong.

“Do you want to know what I think?”

“What’s that?”

“You and Grace used each other as a crutch. You knew that no matter what, the other would be there, and you were comfortable with each other in a way you were never comfortable with anyone else. But for a real relationship, Kellan, you have to embrace the discomfort at times. You have to be willing to fall, and that was never going to happen with you two. Don’t get me wrong, I think you love each other, but not in the right way. Grace was always supposed to be your friend and never your lover.”

“You think so?”

“I do. I think the little bit of time and space between you two was probably a good thing too, even though it was hard to watch. Now you can rebuild, if you’re willing, a friendship as adults. You can support her in her relationship with Clay while looking for the woman you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Just don’t rush and settle. You need to take some time and work on yourself first.”

I chuckle. “I don’t plan on settling down anytime soon, so don’t worry.”

“Good. I know I’ve enjoyed not having a new girl in my home every couple of months. I think this dating hiatus has been good for you. Now how about we head home and start working on that list of things you need?” She loops her arm through mine.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe Grace was always meant to be someone I loved in an innocent sort of way. Maybe there’s a woman out there who really is meant to be my other half. I guess I should start to figure out how to fix my friendship with Grace before it’s too late.