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sixteen

T hings have settled back down. Kellan and I are in such a good place. We still haven’t crossed any lines, but I’m feeling more and more like we are getting closer to it.

He’s been taking me on at least two dates a week. He says he needs to make up for the time he didn’t know me. It’s really quite sweet.

Between that and going to his games, we have been spending as much time as we can together, but it’s hard when I have class and the center to get to every day.

After the shitty day I had there, I went back. Martha was surprised to see me. She thought I was scared off for good.

I’ll admit, I did question if I was making the right choice, but then I remembered Shelby’s face. The way she reacted to her mother broke my heart. Then to see her slowly come back to herself by talking to me?

I was meant to find that job. It was my destiny.

It’s why I went back, and I continue to go back. Each day, I wonder if I can be doing more.

Then I remember what Martha said about making it a career. It feels right.

I’m worried how my mom and Clay will take it, though. That’s why I decided to broach the subject with my mom first.

Sitting on my bed, I take a deep breath. I know she’s got about an hour before she has to start getting ready for work. She’s probably sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee, watching one of her talk shows.

The thought brings a smile to my face as I dial her number.

“Hey, baby. Shouldn’t you be in class?” she asks.

“I’m on my lunch break. What are you up to?”

“Watching the Kelly Clarkson Show . She really is a funny girl. Shame that asshole ex of hers broke her heart.”

I’ve heard so much about Kelly Clarkson’s divorce that I know better than to encourage her.

“For sure. Are you going to work soon?”

“Yep. How’s school?”

“Good. I’m dating someone,” I admit to her.

“Clay mentioned that you started dating. Didn’t tell me much. Does he approve?” she asks.

“I wouldn’t say that,” I hesitantly tell her.

“Good. He’s your older brother. He needs to put the poor sap through his paces. Tell me about him. Do you think it’s serious?”

I think about the fact that every morning I wake up thinking about him and how he is the last thing on my mind when I close my eyes at night. I miss him when he isn’t around. I text him throughout the day just to feel close to him.

“I want it to be. It’s only been a little over a month since we started dating.” I leave out that we had a little hiccup there for a moment. “He’s a good guy. I really like him.”

“Oh, baby. I am so happy to hear that. You deserve some light in your life. Don’t go tying yourself down too soon, though. You need to experience life a little before you settle down.”

I frown at her words. I don’t need to experience life. I feel like I’ve lived through so much of it that I should easily be in my forties instead of my teens.

I don’t tell her that, though. I don’t want to add to her guilt.

“I know, Mom. I actually called to talk to you about school. What do you think about me taking a few years off? Until I figure out what I really want to do,” I tell her.

“Oh, Cora, honey. You are so sweet, but you don’t need to do that. That’s what college is for. You’re supposed to be finding yourself while you are there.” Her voice drips in concern.

“I know, but I think I might want to do something else.”

“Honey, I know what you are trying to do. I appreciate it. You and your brother have been so good to me. Always trying to limit the money you spend because you don’t want to take too much from me. It’s so kind of you both, but I don’t need it. Clay has his scholarship, and if you keep up the good grades, you will keep yours too. I have plenty to live on.”

“That’s not what I meant.” I sigh.

“You don’t have to keep worrying about your old mama. I’m doing good down here. I miss the two of you something fierce, but I’m happy that you are doing so well. I swear it was just yesterday when you would run around the house chasing one another using my underwear as hats.” She starts to laugh, but I hear the sob sneak out.

My heart drops. I can’t do this to her. Not now.

“I know, Mom. We were a bunch of rowdy kids.” I smile sadly to the empty room.

“I wouldn’t have traded it for the world, though. I worked so hard to keep a roof over our heads that sometimes I feel like I blinked and you were both gone. I missed so much. Promise me you’ll savor your life. Live in the moment and enjoy it.”

I play with the corner of my blanket. “You know I will. It’s my life motto.”

It’s the truth. Which is why I want to quit school and take the job. I feel like it is what is calling me right now. I’d have to stay in school until May to keep my dorm, but after that I could move into an apartment. Grace has already been talking about moving out of the hockey house once Clay is drafted in June. We could room together.

I should be able to tell my mother that’s what I want, but the part of me that doesn’t want to disappoint her has me biting my tongue. I can’t ruin the dream she has had for me since I was a child.

“Mom, I’ve got to go. My lunch period is almost over,” I lie. “I love you. I’ll call you again soon.”

“Please do. It’s been too long since I’ve heard your beautiful voice. I love you, baby.”

We hang up, and I hang my head. How one phone call could drain so much of my energy, I will never understand.

Yet here I am, feeling emotionally drained.

I wish I had the courage to tell her the truth, but for now I’ll take the coward’s way out.

* * *

I’m sitting in the locker room waiting for Clay to come out of Coach’s office. Once a week he stays behind and discusses with Coach how we could be better.

Today is the day. I need to talk to him and put all the shit truly under the bridge. I can’t keep holding on to the shame from last year.

I started my talks with a few of my exes from high school. At first, they weren’t happy to hear from me, but after talking, I think we mended fences. None of them resent me for what I did.

Then there was Monica. She refused to answer my call, and I can’t seem to catch her on campus. So I skipped her for now, moving onto Clay.

I hear him and Coach talking as they exit his office. Then Coach must head out as I hear the locker room door shut behind him. Clay comes around the corner, startling when he sees me.

“Jesus, dude. Way to be a creeper. What are you still doing here?” Clay asks.

“We need to talk,” I tell him.

He looks at me for a moment before nodding and straddling the bench next to me. “So we do. Go on,” he tells me.

I’m silent for many moments. My chest tightens as I realize that I need to admit some really uncomfortable things to Clay right now. My hands grow clammy as I work up the courage to spit it out.

All the while, Clay sits there patiently waiting for me. He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry at all. This is why he is the captain. He is good at it.

“I was jealous of you,” I manage after a moment.

“For what?” he asks, not taking it easy on me.

“Grace, the team, all of it. Before I came here, you were my idol. I wanted to be just like you. Then I met you, and I thought about how cool you were. Then Grace happened, and it all started to fall. I resented you, and you didn’t deserve that.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Grace was my best friend. She always showed up to my games and stayed by my side. In high school, it was easier. Classes weren’t so demanding. Hockey didn’t require as much. She fit easily into my life. Then we came here, and everything became more precarious. I couldn’t balance the spinning plates anymore, and they all crashed on top of me.”

“Have you ever talked to anyone about the pressure you are under?” Clay asks.

I shake my head. “Never thought I had to. Everything was perfect before I came here. I had this dream in my head. You were going to be my other best friend. My guy best friend. We would hang out, and you would teach me all you know about hockey. Then you would get drafted, and I’d become the youngest captain in school history. It’s so fucking dumb. I know, but it’s what I wanted. Then you took Grace from me.” I hold up my hand to stop him from interrupting. “I know you really didn’t, but it felt that way. You weren’t nice to me. It seemed like you hated me at times. You weren’t teaching me anything. Then you didn’t declare for the draft and stayed, stealing my hopes of being captain too. I blamed you for it all.”

“I didn’t do any of that to spite you. You know that, right? I mean, I wasn’t nice to you, but it’s because of how you made Grace feel,” Clay admits. “I could have handled shit better too. Tried to talk to you.”

I shake my head. “I wouldn’t have heard you. It took hitting rock bottom to realize how bad I fucked everything up. I was so far into my own world that I couldn’t see anyone outside of it.”

“What changed your view of it?” Clay asks.

“Grace at first. My mom over summer break. Then Cora. She’s really the one who has shown me what a terrible person I was. I don’t want to be him anymore, though. I want to be a good teammate. I want you guys to trust and rely on me. I want to hopefully be the friend Grace deserves. I know I have work to do there, but I hope she can forgive me. If not, I’ll understand, but I won’t stop being her friend even if she doesn’t want to be mine. I really fucking hope I can prove to you that I am worthy of your sister. I won’t say I will ever deserve her because I won’t. She is so much better than me, but I hope one day you will agree with me when I say that I am the man who will do anything to put a smile on her face. I’ll protect and care for her.”

He claps a hand on my shoulder. “Grace is an amazing woman. She will forgive you. I bet if you asked her right now, she wouldn’t even admit she was ever mad at you. That’s who she is. You need to have that conversation with her. As for the rest of it, you are using your actions to prove it to us every day. You keep showing up to practice and giving it your all, and the guys will be good. Don’t make my sister cry, and we will be even better.”

“I’ll keep doing better,” I promise him.

He nods. “Good. Now this was sweet and everything, but I honestly thought we had already squashed all this shit. So while I appreciate it and all, you need to talk to Grace. We are good with the team, but until you make things right for her, I can’t exactly be cool with you on a personal level. You get me?”

“I get you. I’m not quite ready to face that mountain yet. I know it’s going to be hard, but I promise, she’s on the list.”

“List? You have a whole list?”

I nod. “People I need to talk to. Apologize to for being a dick. I’ve been through most of it.”

“Good for you, man. I’m proud of you. As your captain, I want you to know that your efforts haven’t gone unnoticed.”

“Thanks.”

“Well, I need to get home. Grace is cooking for me tonight.”

I smile. She loves to cook.

“What’s she cooking?”

“Chicken Alfredo.”

My mouth drools at the memory of her pasta. “The peas make it. You enjoy it. It’s the best I’ve ever had.”

He laughs. “You don’t have to tell me. Everything about her is the best I’ve ever had.”

With that, he leaves me sitting in the locker room with my thoughts.

It wasn’t as bad as I thought, but now I have nothing holding me back from talking to Grace. She deserves an apology, but part of me doesn’t think I deserve to be forgiven.

It doesn’t matter. It’s not about me anymore.

It’s about Grace.