Page 34 of Brainwashed

That night spurred my obsession even further. It was like the brattiest parts of me were activated when I was around Isaac. I just wanted him to want me so bad… I wanted him tocare,and he obviously didn’t. It made me nuts.

Ultimately, I think that was what pushed me over the edge. I became much more brazen as the months went on. I broke it off with Bobby because he was way too much for me. Our personalities clashed beyond what I was willing to put up with. Plus, I was in love with someone else, and he just couldn’t stack up.

Things got blurry the more frustration bubbled inside me. Dancing around Isaac in the dorm was like a minefield. I could tell he was wary of me, but I didn’t know why. I spent hours, days, weeks obsessing about it.Was it just because I’d fallen asleep next to him that one time? Was that really the worst thing in the world?

Whatever had turned him against me was something he wasn’t ready to let go of. We talked, but never about anything deeper than some quick chatter about classes or the upcoming end of the semester. Our freshman year was almost over, and I just knew we wouldn’t be paired together as roommates in the fall. If I wanted him to know how I felt, I needed to do something rash. Throw all my cards down onto the table.

One night, Isaac came home late from a date. I was studying at my desk when he stumbled in, smelling like a brewery. I was going to ignore him, but then he started humming.

Tears For Fears. One of my favorite songs. I’d always loved eighties music.

“Why are you singing that song?” I spun in my chair to face him.

He was hobbling on one foot, trying to get out of his shoes as he chuckled, black strands of hair falling in his face. In that moment, I despised him for how good-looking he was. Even more, I detested how much he knew it; how much heknewI wanted him. He was dangling it in front of my face like a carrot to a starving horse.

“I don’t know…” He huffed. “I heard it on the radio. What’s it to you, anyway?”

I rolled my eyes and went back to my homework. But I could feel him behind me, inching closer. His breathing was loud, like it was coming from me. It synched up with my own exhales.

My face tilted, and I found him standing right next to me, an intense look in his sky-blue eyes. I couldn’t place it, but when his tongue swiped his lower lip, I stood up.

We were close, less than a foot between us. My heart was racing like crazy as I reached out. I just wanted to touch his sharp jaw, brush that silky obsidian away from his face.

But he dipped back, dodging my touch so hard he stumbled and fell onto his ass. He scared himself more than anything. I hadn’t even touched him. But the fear I could see in his eyes was surprising. He wasterrifiedof the tiny spark of interest growing inside him.

It was a feeling I knew all too well.

So I dropped onto my knees and quickly crawled over him.

“Yo, get off me,” he grunted, panting as he tried to fight me off.

But I grabbed his forearms and held him down. “Why don’t you just let me help you?” I growled over him, pinning him to the floor.

It was crazy, because he was a football player, and technically bulkier than me. He should have easily been able to push me off, bash me in the face, kick the shit out of me. But he didn’t.

Instead, he was stubborn and scared… and it was the hottest thing I’d ever seen in my life.

Hewas afraid ofme. Isaac Remillard was afraid of Felix Darcey.

It was a revelation.

While I was holding him down, trying to figure out what to do next, we both realized I had an erection. Like, abigone.

It kind of snapped me out of it enough for him to scurry out from under me and dart out of the room. He never came back. And the next morning, I was called into the Dean’s office, where they informed me that Isaac was switching rooms, and I was facing expulsion.

Fucking bullshit. The whole thing was just a misunderstanding.

Still, my parents had to drive out and hear the entire inflated story. Everyone on campus was talking about it. It washumiliating.

I received only a warning, but I was kicked out of housing. My parents were pissed, but they wanted me to stay in school. Or theyneededme in school, to keep me occupied and out of their hair.

My dad got me an apartment in Brooklyn Heights, on Amity Street. And that one-bedroom sanctuary is where things changed for me.

I saw Isaac around campus a few times after that, but we didn’t speak again until we crossed paths in a gay club in Manhattan a year later. He acted like he wanted nothing to do with me while he danced and made out with some random twink. And I just smirked to myself.

I had company in my apartment, anyway. Someone waiting for me…

I’ve always found life to be funny, comical in the way things work out. The plan of the universe is baffling at times.