Page 33 of Brainwashed

I had no clue what she was talking about. All I knew was that I wasn’t interested in the feeling of her breasts on my arm, and that was troubling. Because I’d been casually peeking at Isaac all night, and he chose that moment to look up.

Our eyes met, and he grinned, showing off his elaborate dimples. Then he nodded at me.

In hindsight, I think he was probably nodding because he thought I was going to hook up with Ashley, and that would’ve qualified aspretty dopein his book. But in the moment, with my hormones rumbling the beginning of an earthquake inside me, and the booze swimming through my bloodstream making everything feel much better than it really was, his smile and nod were silent invitations.

And so, I started thinking, planning, and concocting… wondering about the likelihood that he might want me to climb up to his bunk later.

I thought about it all night. All throughout the desktop beer pong tournament, and especially while Ashley followed me into the bathroom and dropped to her knees. In her defense, she tried kissing me first, but I wasn’t feeling it. I sort of shoved her face away from mine and I guess she thought I was shoving it down… Where she went willingly.

I won’t lie and say the feeling of her uncoordinatedly sucking on my barely hard dick didn’t feel good, because it did. It just wasn’t the ideal scenario. Still, I was able to close my eyes and imagine Isaac, and thenpoof!I came all down her chin, with no warning.

She was kind of mad. I guess you’re supposed to alert the blowing party when you’re going to bust.Who knew?

After that, Ashley left to go bother someone else, and the party wound down. I was pretty drunk by the time everyone had trickled out of our dorm. Isaac and I were cleaning up and chatting casually. I really wasn’t thatcasual, but I was trying to act like I was. Isaac was slurring, and when he went to climb up to his bunk, he tumbled onto the floor.

He was giggling up a storm like a drunken fool when I blurted, “You can crash in my bed if you want.” His laughter sort of faded as he peeked at me, and I shook my head fast. “I just mean… If you can’t get up to your bed. I’ll sleep up there.”

He stared at me for a moment, and my entire life flashed before my eyes. Then he shrugged and said, “Sure, bro. Whatever.”

He cuddled up in my bed and was snoring in a matter of seconds.

It presented me with a moral conundrum. I knew the right thing to do was to go up into his bed and go to sleep. But as I stood there staring at him, my dream boy asleep in my bed, I couldn’t pull myself away. He just looked so perfect. Like hebelongedthere.

The decision was already made. And I was sure he wouldn’t mind…

Climbing into the bed next to him, carefully, I made sure not to touch him for risk of waking him up. I lay there all night watching him sleep. And when the watching got to be too much, I reached out and brushed my fingers along his back. But he didn’t wake up. He just kept sleeping peacefully, breathing in and out. Because he was comfortable with me. Hewantedto be in my bed.

I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Unfortunately, the next morning, everything had changed.

Isaac wouldn’t look at me for days after the party. Every time I tried to talk to him, he’d either just shrug me off or answer with one-word grunts. It was like he hated me, and I couldn’t figure out why. I thought we’d had a good night.

I thought he washappy.

But he wasn’t. He was upset, and I was the cause. It drove me fuckingcrazy.

I went home for Christmas break and my father had moved out, just like he’d said he would. It was just Mom, Zach, and me, opening sad presents for a melancholy holiday.

And I came back to Isaac making out with his girlfriend, Polly, in the dorm. I’m sorry, not justthe dorm. Inmy fucking bed.

After that, I did the only sensible thing I could think to do.

I lost my virginity out of spite.

There was this guy named Bobby. He had expressed interest in me, the same sort of way that girls like Ashley did, only much lessin your face, since we were boys, and even though it was New York City, boys didn’t openly hang all over you the way girls did, unless they knew for afactyou were interested. Don’t ask me why. The whole thing seems kind of skewed, but that’s a whole other topic.

Bobby was openly gay, and he certainly wasn’t afraid to let people know it. I respected that. And sure, he wasn’t really my type… But that was a good thing. Because so far, my type was just large, brooding and straight, which did nothing for me. So after Isaac’s little display in my bed, I decided to make my own stand.

And I started dating Bobby.

Maybedatingis a stretch, since we only went on like three dates, and they were mediocre at best. But still, I had an excuse to bring him around the dorm. And one night, when I knew Isaac could be coming home at any moment, I let Bobby steal my virginity.

Literally, because I wasn’t even sure I wanted to do it all the way. But I guess he did. And even though I was the one who found my way inside him, it didn’t feel like I was in charge at all.

Of course, Isaac didn’t come home until after we were done, but he definitely picked up on what had happened. And after Bobby left, I searched Isaac’s face for any sign that he was disappointed or jealous. But he was a rock. I got nothing from him.

And Ihatedit.