Page 113 of Brainwashed

“Either you’re being overly silly today, or you’ve gravely missed the entire point of that book you’ve been reading,” he grumbles.

My eyes widen at him. “Actually, I’m almost done with the book.”

Something about what I’ve said seems to please him and he tilts his head. “And what do you think so far?”

“I think the person who wrote it is a sick puppy.” I grin. His gaze narrows. “But it makes a lot of sense. The various ways of getting inside someone’s head. And then the idea of tweaking things in your favor. It’s pretty interesting.”

His lips do one of those subtle almost-curves, only this time it stays there. It doesn’t immediately vanish like it usually does.

I’m inawe. I can’t stop staring.

“Can you think of a time when you were manipulated into something?” he asks curiously.

My mind goes immediately to Templeton and his glass dildo. And oddly, it almost seems like Dr. Love can read my thoughts.

His jaw ticks and he says, “I don’t necessarily mean by force. Though that can be part of it. Being coerced into something until you begrudgingly agree doesn’t exactly equal consent.”

I think for a moment. “Well, this one time, before Emmanuel, I met a guy at a club in Manhattan. I was still new to the scene, and I didn’t know anyone. I was nervous and uncomfortable with myself, you know? Still trying to figure it all out. He came up to me right away and was obviously interested.” I pause and Dr. Love’s brows lift as if to say,go on. “He was different from my usual type. Older than me by at least ten years, probably. He was really big and sort of… dominant. Actually, he mentioned that he was a Dom, and I told him I wasn’t into that stuff. But he was really cocky about it. He was sort of like,‘Well, everyone thinks they’re not into it until they try,’that sorta thing.”

Dr. Love makes a noise, like a subtle scoff, to which I bite the inside of my cheek to keep my eager smile in check.

“Anyway, we were talking, and he was buying me drinks. I was just trying to be polite, but he obviously wanted something to happen. And I wasn’t opposed to it… In fact, I kind of wanted to try. To see what would happen if I hooked up with a man. I mean, I knew I was gay, but I’d only ever been with Bobby and he was very different from this dude.

“So he asked if I wanted to go for a walk and I agreed. When he was paying for the drinks, I noticed he had a wedding ring on, but I wasn’t really thinking about it. We went outside, but thewalkwasn’t even a walk because he sort of just pushed me into this dark alley.”

Dr. Love’s expression grows dark, his features tight with something scary just beneath the surface. It trips me up for a second, but he says, “Keep going.”

So I do. “Um, so, he shoved me against the wall and started kissing me. And he was really aggressive, but it felt kind of… good? It’s hard to explain, like, the way he was holding my face and guiding me felt right, even though it also scared me.”

The darkness in the amber eyes of my doctor causes me to shift in my seat. His pupils look dilated as he glares at me, sitting stone still in his chair.

“The guy—I don’t even know his name—pushed me onto my knees and took his dick out. I was pretty scared because I’d never done it before. I didn’t want to seem like an inexperienced loser, but his dick wasreallythick, and I was afraid I was going to get lockjaw or something.”

“What did you do?” Dr. Love’s voice rumbles at me, and I notice that he’s sitting on the edge of his chair, obviously invested in my story. He’s always invested in my stories, but right now it looks like he’s part curious, part enraged.

I swallow hard. “I told him I’d never done it before. He seemed to really like that. And he said he would teach me, and to just open my mouth wide and relax my jaw…”

Movement catches my eye. Dr. Love’s fingers are twitching at his side. Ever so slightly, but still. Something is happening here. I can’t tell if he hates the guy in my story, or if he wants to be him…

No. That’s crazy. His fascination with me begins and ends with my crimes. There’s no further interest.

Yet his eyes are sparkling…

“And did you?” he asks quietly.

I nod slowly. “Yes.”

“And then what happened?”

“He crammed his dick so deep in my throat I couldn’t breathe.” I blink at him.

Dr. Love’s hand squeezes into a fist.

“It was… really painful, actually,” I keep going, remembering. “My eyes were watering so I couldn’t see. I was trying to breathe through my nose, but there wasn’t enough time. I tried pulling away, but he had his giant hand on the back of my head, just forcing my mouth. It was awful.”

Something crazy happens. Dr. Love stands up and steps over, taking a seat right next to me on the couch. His eyes are set on mine, a sort of commiseration in them that I don’t understand. He looks fired up right now.

“Tell me what you did, Felix,” he breathes. “You had to have done something.”