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Cole: Late March 2022

It’s almost her birthday and she’s going on and on about it. One thing about Sundrop is that she loves her birthday. I once thought she was spoiled and self-centred and, in a way, she is, but there’s nothing negative about it. It’s odd. I hate birthdays, I always hated being the centre of attention, mainly because I never actually was. I always felt my birthdays were more for other people to celebrate and later excuses to get shitfaced with the guys. Sundrop’s dedication to herself and happiness had led to the videos she sent me of baking herself a layered rainbow cake.

This is not the first time she’s made this, in fact, I know from all these years exactly how good a baker she is. I’m sitting at my desk going over figures for various orders and she’s making me hungry.

Luna: My presentation sucks but it always tastes good.

It looks fucking good, ridiculous but good. The video has her spinning the six layers of cake with bright pink frosting between and on top to some 90s techno track I vaguely remember.

Me: I didn’t think you liked that kind of music?

She’s always been a metal and emo kinda girl, although lately she’s been listening to more female pop singers. According to her most listened to on Spotify at least. Several laughter emojis come through before she says.

Luna: Haha, I didn’t realise the video picked up the music I’m playing

The thought of her singing and dancing in her kitchen while baking does something to me. It’s domestic. She’s so cute, I love talking to her.

Me: So, your birthday is the 29th?

I ask but I know her birthday is not the 29th of March, it’s the 31st. What can I say to her though? Admit I know the date and that I have it branded inside my brain? That I have a note on both my physical and mobile calendars to make sure I’ll never forget the day my beloved came and graced this earth with her presence? No, absolutely not.

She replies straight away, as usual, it’s just one of many things I absolutely adore about her. She is as enthusiastic talking to me as I am talking to her. It makes me think that we might really end up together this time. Fucking finally after all these false starts and years.

I’ve been waiting for her for so long. I try not to get too annoyed by it. Life got in the way, a lot, and kept us apart. I’ve wanted to taste that pussy since I first saw her. How many times did I think about her strapped down to my table, wrapped in plastic and chained up.

I shut down those thoughts, I do want to fuck her, but I do not want to kill her. I just feel offended by her late appearance in my life. She should have wanted to be with me sooner.

You didn’t give her any reason to.

Would I have wanted her to cheat? If she had cheated on someone to be with me…

You’d never have trusted her…

I know. I know that she’s had her own battles and issues. She needed the time to get her head on straight. She needed some time alone, even if she went off and dated some fucking stranger before coming to me. I wonder what his name is? I wonder if she would tell me if I asked? Maybe I can find out, she might have his details on her phone somewhere. I could give him a visit.

My fingers were itching with the desire to kill. It had been a while. Sundrop had distracted me a lot since she came barrelling into my life earlier this month. I’ve loved every moment of it but there has been little room for anything but her. These odd moments were catching up to me and making me realise I would have to be a bit more careful. I didn’t want to snap at her. I was frightened about scaring her off, determined to do this right. Act like a gentleman, treat her like a lady. Take my time with her and court her properly. Like she fucking deserved and had never experienced.

Luna: Wow, that’s so close, it’s the 31st!!

There were a lot of smiley faces, and I realised that no one ever remembered her birthday. She was the one who had made a big deal out of everyone else’s birthdays. Baking cakes, hosting parties, organising things, it had always been her. Now, no one remembered her birthday and she was impressed I had gotten close at all.

I fucking love you, I could never forget that date

I wanted to do better and be better for her.

I’ve really shot myself in the proverbial foot with this one. Going so heavy handed with the sexual conversation, which I never do with anyone else. Not following through is making her act strange. Aren’t rape victims supposed to fear sex? How come I end up with the hypersexual one? She keeps inviting me around and I want to court her, date her properly. I’m not sure if she just wants me for sex or is interested in me as a person?

I want nothing more than to enjoy the feeling of sinking my hard cock into her wet, warm pussy. I’ve been dreaming about that for the past twenty years. Fuck, is it more than that? I try to count but it’s been 22 years since I first saw her. It’s a long fucking time. Now, having her throw herself at my feet, or more specifically at my cock is weird for me.

I honestly don’t know what to do with her.

I had been dragging my heels about organising a date for us to go on. She’s been saying how much she wants to see me, spend time with me. I’m worried for once because it’s been years since we’ve even seen one another. I don’t even have an up-to-date picture on Facebook, it’s years old. What if she doesn’t like how I look now. We’re both older. I’ve never felt insecure or even aware of myself with others. Luna though, her opinion does matter to me.

I reason with myself that since I’ve always been attracted to her over the many years no matter how she’s looked, that should be the same for how she feels about me. Afterall, there were a lot of things she had changed about her appearance. She even has three more tattoos from the last time I saw her. Her hair is back to its natural colour.

My tastes with her have changed and grown as we have. It’s with that logic that I allow myself to believe that if I have always liked how she looks, then the same could be true for her liking me just as equally over the years as I’ve undoubtedly changed.

I sent her a message asking if she is free on Saturday.

Fuck, this is starting to feel real now.

We’ve organised to go out on Saturday, I text happy birthday to her on Thursday knowing I’ll see her on the weekend. I haven’t gotten her a gift because it is early on, and I’ve been too preoccupied with speaking to her and keeping my other needs under control.

On Friday night instead of going out with Frankie, I got dragged around to Graham’s. I don’t like being there anymore. It was only barely tolerable when Luna lived in that house. There’s something rancid and horrible about it now.

Luna texts me, we’ve gotten into a routine that when she knows I’m out, she wants to give me space, but I don’t want her to. I message her and get her talking. She might resolve to be quiet but once I ask her questions she starts replying quicker and faster. It’s cute.

However, going to Graham’s is going to be a weird point. I don’t tell her, and she hasn’t brought him up yet. In turn, I haven’t asked her about him, or about what happened. I know what he has said; that he was arrested after she filed a false case of rape against him. That he had been charged and was awaiting trial. Graham has gone on at length about his innocence and had focused on how she was crazy and a liar.

Considering that’s how he spoke about her when they were together, it’s not a huge surprise he says it still.

Luna on the other hand, after the arrest, vanished. Completely dropped off the face of the earth, deleted her social media accounts, changed her phone number. The girl who had never been able to shut up about anything, suddenly went silent and everything changed.

I have a lot of things I’d like to ask her, but I don’t know how. I don't, however, need to know whether she lied, I know she didn’t.

I don’t feel able to tell her that I am spending time with the man who harmed her. So, I don’t. I get a message from her as I’m walking into his.

Luna: Hey gorgeous, how’s Frankie?

Me: Oh, he’s great, we’re picking what board game we are going to play

It’s a blatant lie. Except the part about Frankie being great. It’s a Friday night; he’s in his element. This is something we’ve done for so many years, it’s safe for him. Routine.

Luna: I have an odd question for you

I think, wow, the last thing I need is her sending me nudes here or asking if I’ll piss on her or something! She asked that the other day and shocked me!

Me: Yes, babe, anything, ask away

Imagine my surprise when she asks about Graham.

Luna: You’re not still friends with Graham, are you?

Does she fucking know where I am? Before walking inside of her old house, I stand and look around. Is she behind a fucking bush or tree or something? How the fuck did she decide that right now, the first time I’ve spent with him since talking to her again, was the night to ask?

Me: No… I’ve not actually hung out with him since the last time I was at yours, when you were still living with him

I remember that night very well. If ever I failed her, it was then. The lie comes too easily now, and I realise that I am failing her by not telling the truth. I don’t feel bad exactly, but I do know it’s wrong. That this might come back and bite me in the arse at some later stage. She’s quiet for a little bit.

Luna: I remember that night.

Luna: It’s just, I left him. I don’t want anything to do with him. For my safety, I can’t have him know where I am, what I’m doing or where I live

Luna: I hate being this dramatic, it feels weird, but I need to know I can trust you

She can absolutely trust me. I am for the most part untrustworthy. For her though, she has nothing to worry about. Even spending time with him, it means nothing to me. It’s all part of a larger plan I have for him. The fact that she’s scared enough of him to mention it though, that boils my blood.

Me: You can trust me Luna

Luna: I really hope so