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Cole: June 2023

Last month I had stared at the comment she had left on a tweet I had posted. Once, we were friends on that website, like most others. I was shocked that Luna had even remembered. It was so odd, so strange for her to reach out like that. I had her blocked through everywhere else. She wasn’t able to get in touch with me any other way.

That was the point.

I had gone back hundreds of times to check that she had in fact messaged me, that it was her. Hundreds. How do I know this? Because there are fucking post views which show exactly how many times a post had been viewed… Must be a new thing, I wasn’t aware of that previously.

Fuck me.

I had left the message alone, not going any further. Not adding her, not messaging her. It was a public fucking profile. What had she been thinking? No one knew we were in touch. I ignored it, didn’t like it, didn’t comment. Eventually after ignoring her for a few days, she unfollowed me and deleted the comment.

Gone.

As if it had never been there in the first place.

So, after a few weeks I decided to reach back out to her. I tried her phone number again from the two separate work lines in the office, both numbers she would not recognise because I never phoned her. If I had, it would have been from my own mobile phone. The line told me the same message, “The number you are trying to reach is not in service.”

She had changed her mobile number, that I was sure of. I went back to my own desk and checked on Facebook to see if I was still blocked. Imagine my surprise when I found I had been unblocked. Why?

Did she change her mind, did she want to see me?

I went into the messaging service and send her a message; all it said was

Cole: Hi

I cannot for the life of me explain why I felt this was the best thing to send but I’d wait and see if she would respond.

After waiting a whole 24 hours and hearing nothing back. I added her as a friend on that website. Almost immediately she responds, and I get a;

Luna: Hi, how are you?

Something in me says I should mention October. We’re doing the polite, how are you questions but what I really want to know is how she is doing. October had to have been hard for her. I wanted to reach out, I wanted to turn up at her door with flowers in hand and the biggest box of chocolates I could buy. I had a feeling she’d need the chocolates at the very least. Probably a hug, some support mainly. I wanted to be there to support her.

Yet I had convinced myself that she had other friends, maybe seeing someone else. A someone she’d prefer to spend time with over me who had constantly let her down. So, I hadn’t messaged, hadn’t called, hadn’t turned up at her door on arguably one of the most difficult days she’d probably ever had.

I left her, hoping someone else would help and support her.

Something had nagged at me that she would be alone. I hated to think of her by herself. She deserves someone to hold her through it all.

Graham had a party that day, it lasted the whole weekend. He never really stopped celebrating. Even now, he uses it in everything that happens to him. How he was found innocent by a full jury. Mainly men on the jury too apparently.

I am ashamed of myself for how I handled it then. So, rather than bring it up. I do what I realise afterwards, is the most stupid thing I possibly could. After skipping over the pleasantries as quickly as possible just in case a serious subject comes up, I instead straight away, after about four messages delve into sex.

Me: I’m watching porn right now and thinking of you

I am thinking of her, I’ve been off this week, a holiday I was made to take. Use them or lose them with the standard holidays so I scheduled this week off. I managed to get on top of the gardening, kill two men and now, I had my angel messaging me. It was a productive week. I had been before I sent the friend request, masturbating and watching double penetration porn.

We used to talk about this a lot. How she wanted to have her ass and pussy filled at the same time.

Luna: Yeah? What kind?

Me: DP, thinking of you and how you wanted to have your ass and pussy filled at the same time. How we used to talk about it.

Luna: Ha! Ok, well, that’s cool. You offering?

Cole: Always

I’m wanking so hard right now; I’m tugging on my dick as I move my hand quickly. How good my hand feels but it’s nothing compared to how I know any of her holes will feel. I need her body; I need her so much. Typing with one hand and stroking my cock with the other, I send;

Cole: I’m thinking about stuffing your ass with toys, have you cum on my dick

Luna: At least take me out to dinner first, yeah?

Cole: Sure, dinner, whatever

I’ve made a mistake here because I’m so high from how amazing my cock feels. That spark lighting up my balls and asshole, I know it won’t take much for me to come. It’s going to be a lot. I’ve been edging myself all day, one and off. I miss the tone of her replies because she’s not as into this as I am. She keeps trying to ask me questions about stuff and all I want is for her to make me come.

It’s been so long and this is the effect she has on me. I lose my mind, my ability to think straight.

Luna: Yeah, dinner AND a movie first, and cuddling before any sex

We do manage to talk a little. She’s asked if I am seeing anyone and I am. There’s a new fake girlfriend, named Lindsey. Beautiful, smart, successful it’s everything I need in a person to have on my arm to show off. I lie and tell her that I’m single.

Cole: No, there’s no one, I’m single

Luna: Yeah?

Is that hope? I do ask her because I want to know if she’s with anyone. The thought is making me angrier. She better fucking not be.

Me: What about you? Are you seeing anyone?

Luna: Me?? No! Course not. Who’d want to date me?

That’s new…. Because I know so many men who want to date her, to even have a chance to fuck her. Instead of getting into that potential mess and ruining my orgasm, I tell her more of what I want to do to her. All the things I’ve thought about doing to her. The security cameras at hers were such a bad idea because I can watch her, I can masturbate over her.

Me: I want to lick and suck on your tits. I want to bite them

Luna: Dinner, movie, flowers first

Me: Yup, of course

Me: I want to bite your nipples and suck on them too

Me: Then I want to have you on your knees, wank and cum all over your tits

Luna: Woah… OK, listen, do you want to fuck me?

Me: Fuck yes

Luna: Are you going to?

Oh shit, already? She’s getting serious already? It’s too soon. We’ve only been messaging back and forth for a few hours. I’ve been edging myself like crazy since I started talking to her. I’m too wound up, too fucking sensitive. I honestly think that a gentle breath of air touching the tip of my dick just right would cause me to come everywhere.

Then she fucking hits me with asking if I want to date her or am I just out to waste her time like last year. Fuck, how did this happen? How did she go from worshipping the ground I walk on to telling me to fuck off? In the space of a few hours?

I’m confused.

I’m still fucking confused when I head to Rebecca’s house the following night and get horribly drunk. It’s something I’ve started doing more and more since last October. Life had become more difficult for me when Luna walked out of my life for no other reason than I fucking made her. I made her. I push her away, intentionally. I thought it would be for the best, but it wasn’t. So, I reason with myself that if I am drinking with friends then this is sociable. I’m not someone who requires alcohol, I’m not addicted because I’m not sitting at home, alone, drinking like a fucking loser.

I’m not as good a serial killer when I’m drinking. My brain gets foggy under the influence and my reflexes are not as sharp. I laugh more but it’s in a ‘I’m losing my mind’ way and not in a fun way, I’m unhappy.

I miss her.

I fucking miss her.

I go into Rebecca’s and almost shit myself when I see Graham there already. His girlfriend, his other friend who is here visiting and then myself with Frankie tagging along behind me. Fucking great.

I decided to drink to make life bearable.

It’s at 1.12am and for once I am still up, not yet home because I can’t drive and I’m waiting for someone to organise some way to get home.

I have had fun in the way of letting loose and having a generally good time with people who are as fucked up as I am. There have been photographs taken, I have even smiled in them.

It’s the message that comes through from Luna that sobers me up in a way I haven’t been for over six months. Anything that was left of my heart breaks when I read it.

She has sent a lengthy message and I’m a little worried by how late she was up. In detail she talks about how sad she felt about the type of messages I had sent her yesterday afternoon. That by being so sexualised, so quickly, it showed her that I had no care or consideration for her or her feelings. That I was just using her for sexual gratification. That I was just like every other shitty guy she’s known. How she had been so excited to hear from me, thinking that maybe I had grown up, changed my mind and realised that I wanted to be with her. Date her, be with her properly, love her. That how I had acted hurt her feelings and had made her cry. She had cried over me most of the evening. How, I hadn’t even properly asked her how she had been after everything that happened last October. Showed no empathy towards her.

Me: I’m so sorry Luna. I’ll leave you alone. I do not want to be the cause of you feeling like this by my stupid actions.

Me: You’re still up?

Luna: I was watching Midsommar and the ending made me think of you

I burst out laughing. For fucks sake! Of course I’ve seen that movie and know what she’s referring to. Jesus Christ. She must be angry then. What have I done? Will I ever stop hurting her? I regret this evening, again I regret not just going to her. Even right now, if I wasn’t such a fucking mess. If she’s awake I should just go to her house, get on my knees and beg for forgiveness.

Ask what to do to fix it and then do exactly that.

I don't, of course.

On Monday morning, sobered, I sent her a quick but genuine apology. I was surprised when I got a message from her in response. It took me a few minutes to read before even thinking of replying because she has fucking shocked me. She’s offered me a gift, a small chance to fix it.

Luna: For the sake of how long we’ve known each other and for the feelings I do have for you, have always had. I’m going to shoot my shot with you one last time, ok?

Luna: I don’t want to sleep around. I don’t want to get to know people. I don’t want to date; I don’t like it. I like you; I have feelings for you. You’re the one person I wanted to end up with. We complement each other so well, you’re funny and hot. We have a good time together, I enjoy talking to you and spending time with you. I’ve missed you when I don’t see you etc

Luna: So, are you willing to take this big scary leap of faith with me? Do we do it; date, spend time together, kiss, hold hands, work towards being together long term because I know we can be good together. I know what I want, and that’s you. What do you want? Do you want me to be your girlfriend?

I take a while to respond. It’s a lot and I am back at work after a whole week off. The emails I must get through are daunting and the list of things I need to take care of because someone fucked up an order is huge. I’m a stressed, I’m still fucking hungover, and I feel like shit.

I do want those things, but I can’t bring her into my life.

I give back the only thing I know will piss her off and probably break her heart but what choice do I have?

Me: I don’t know. I have a lot going on now. There’s a lot of stuff with work and my mental health. It’s probably not a good idea. We probably shouldn’t talk anymore

Luna: Oh

Luna: Ok then, bye

Me: Take care of yourself Luna.

It’s only a few minutes later that she blocks me again. ?