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Cole: October 2024

She sends me a meme which has dick sucking commandments on it. Except it’s a shit post changing what men like to things that would terrify even me. It’s chaotic and she tells me her favourite is number nine.

I read them all and take in number nine. The laugh bursts out of me without warning, as she is so good at doing to me. It talks about sucking someone’s dick and making eye contact which sounds great, we’ve talked about that a lot. She likes eye contact; she likes to stare into someone’s very soul.

The deviation from norm though is the addition of growling. I laugh again because I’ve heard her growl. I can imagine her growling at me while she’s taking every hard inch of my rock-solid cock. I can hear it; it’s unbelievably realistic and equal parts frightening and erotic. She laughed at me recently messaging me to tell me that she likes that she can turn me on one second and turn me off just as quickly. She’s right and wrong in the worst ways.

I’ve learned a lot about myself from Sundrop, she makes me feel things that even I must admit I should probably speak to a professional about.

I reply asking why the growling and her response almost makes me come in my boxers.

Luna: It’s a great way to assert dominance

Fuck me

She means it too. I want her so much right now.

I want her to dominate me.

I now believe she knows, knows how I feel about her. It’s all fun and games with a funny, little bit ditzy Sundrop but a Luna who is perceptive and intuitive is a concern. I’m hiding too much to allow her that close. She knows but does she know everything, has she suspected what I really am? If so, how?

It’s too much and instead of being with her, I feel myself detaching and growing distant. I wish I didn’t run from her the way I naturally do. My sense of self-preservation forces me to keep walls up with everyone around me. My family, my friends, colleagues and this woman.

Even though something deep inside me tells me it’s a mistake, I put my phone down and I don’t reply to her.

I’m at work and she’s asked me what I’m doing for my birthday, and I tell her that I have nothing planned. That it’s so close to Christmas, I’m doubling the work Christmas night out as a birthday bash for me too. I can’t tell her I do have a party planned and that I’m thinking about blocking her, so she doesn’t see the elaborate celebration I’m being made to have by my girlfriend and friends. I’d invite her but we both knew she wouldn’t come anyway. She wrote off our friends when she walked away a few years ago. Burning a lot of bridges and generally being more disliked than she had been previously. Everyone still talked about her and would go on at length that she was a stuck-up, selfish bitch.

I hated it. Hated hearing anyone say anything bad about her, but what could I do? They were so bitter and fixed in their opinions that I would only have been laughed at and spoken poorly of too. That was why she had called me a coward back in September and she meant it. I’m not a coward; I don’t rock the boat because I don’t want my own secrets exposed.

We both know I don’t celebrate my birthday but if I were to, then the only person I’d want to celebrate with would be her. I don’t even consider it cheating because Sundrop is the only one I love, the only one who exists for me. The girlfriend, this one is named Marley, is an accessory I change every so often. I don’t want Sundrop to find out because she would be pissed off at me. We have been sexting, sending pics back and forth. When we reconnected back in September, then again in October after she had calmed down, she never asked me if I was seeing anyone. Normally she does ask. This time she didn’t. Has she just assumed I’m permanently single now or does she not care anymore? Technically I don’t count it as lying, she never asked, I just don’t tell her I have a girlfriend.

Turns out the last guy she was properly involved with had done the same thing, had dated and fucked her while already being in a relationship with someone else. She didn’t find out until it was too late. For some reason, she always attracted men who were married, maybe that was because she always drifted towards those who were older.

Still. I don’t want to involve Sundrop in my already messy life. I keep her away from me as a form of protection for us both. My friends who once loved her, do not like or trust her because of Graham. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of the drama. I don’t want to be.