Page 10

Cole: May 2022

Graham. Graham, mother-fucking Graham. From what Sundrop has told me, if wouldn’t surprise me if that fucker has fucked his mother the way he talks about her.

Maybe I am extremely fucking stupid, or angry or like to push myself to the point of breaking because agreeing on a Friday night to spend time with him and the group rather than with Luna is confusing to even me. I should be in my angel’s arms right now, comforting her with my tongue between her thighs instead, I choose to go to his house and listen to him bitch and fucking moan about the very reason my heart still beats.

I have, for personal reasons, researched the court system and law around criminal cases for most of my life, ever since I first had internet access in my parents' house. I always knew that one day I might end up being caught, risking incarceration so I wanted to know more about it. However, I can’t say I know everything about cases especially when it comes to things like domestic abuse and rape. The statistics for convictions are fucking disgusting in this country, that’s why I’m grateful I do what I do with my tools. The satisfaction it brings me.

So, when Luna told me that she was having to go all the way to Glasgow earlier in the week to give evidence in a special hearing, I wasn’t aware that was something offered to victims of such crimes. She had already been in court last year and given testimony all for the case to be adjourned pending further investigation and pushed back to later this year.

This led to her getting the bus all the way through at 6.20am the other day and spending the day in Glasgow. She had sent me a picture of the giant iced latte she had picked up beforehand to keep her company on the trip. Not even a selfie, just a picture of the drink featuring the seat in front of her. That’s how I know she’s not ok.

When Luna is in a good mood, I get pics of her face no matter what she’s wearing or not wearing, of makeup or no makeup. When she’s not ok though, no selfies. Pictures of everything except her.

I wanted to offer to drive her there and back but honestly didn’t know if she wanted me there. She never asked and I didn’t volunteer. I’m not sure why she never learned to drive, I know she didn’t have the financial support when she was younger, but she's had the opportunity since. She’s had lessons and seemed to enjoy it, but I’ve never known her to have a driver’s licence. Driving is one of those skills I was encouraged to do as soon as I was old enough, it wasn’t even a question of did I want to. I wasn’t given the option. I’m grateful for it, I like driving and the independence it provides me.

Afterwards, especially with how distant she had been with me, I knew I had picked wrongly. I should have offered, in fact. I should have just told her I was taking her there and back, that I would be there for her. Stayed there with her even if I wasn’t allowed in the room with her.

She had gone very quiet on me since. I don’t think that’s solely with me, the ordeal has obviously overwhelmed her. I have no idea how that would feel, being made to sit in a room and discuss things like that. She hadn’t even fully told me what had happened, just enough to know he had raped her, more than once and violently.

I can’t be that smart because instead of choosing even knowing all of that to spend time with her, to offer her support, I instead choose to spend the evening with him.

He, being the accused, is afforded the right to hear her testimony and although he was not in the same building at the same time she was there. He was in another building in the city, watching and listening to her through a video feed.

This is what he chooses to talk about.

How she is a lying bitch. That she is ruining his life with her lies. How upset it makes him that after doing nothing but loving her, and spending so much money on her that she is ungrateful and selfish enough to do this to him…

I sit there, my hand over my mouth because I want to strike him.

There are a lot of times I have wanted to kill him over the years but this… This is unbearable. I wanted to hear it from him; the character assassination, playing the victim, the fake offence at how she is making up these lies… I needed to hear it from him, even just this once. Though, he has gone on at length ever since he had been arrested about how much she is a bitch to do this to him, after everything he did for her.

I open my phone; I look at the message thread between us. The messages, the pictures…she’s not online, she’s not been online for a few hours and I’m a little worried about her. Would she hurt herself? I don’t know what to do or say to make her feel better.

“She’s a fucking bitch.” I think that’s about the twentieth time he has said that exact phrase about her tonight alone.

“She is, it’s disgusting what she’s done to you and is putting you through.”

Rebecca is a cunt. She’s been fucking Graham this whole time, and yet somehow Luna is the disgrace. “I just can’t believe she has done this; I loved Lu.” Frankie is genuinely distraught, I do believe he loved Luna as a friend, they spent so much time together being idiots. Dressing up with fake tiaras and that time she got him a pink feather boa because he wanted one. He looks on the verge of tears.

I won’t join in the attack, I can’t. Even me who can lie and say whatever I want for the purpose of fitting in, I feel no shame in lying. I won’t agree with them about her. I know it’s not true. I know exactly what Graham is and one day it will be my face he sees as he dies.

I can do that for Luna. I will do that for Luna. Even if she never knows. Would that be worse though, if he just suddenly vanished one day? Or would she spend the rest of her life looking over her shoulder, wondering where he is and when he might strike?

This is why I can’t react. This is why I must think this through because it’s not as simple as just killing him. Making him disappear.

Maybe I could take some inspiration from our local maniac; kill him and take out his rib cage, make it into some kind of crawling planter for her garden. Maybe paint it purple, get her some glitter to adorn it with and make it a feature in the flowerbeds she’s been working on so tirelessly.

“Bitch, absolute fucking bitch. I had to take time off work and go all the way through to Glasgow to fucking sit there and listen to her lie about me. It’s awful. This shouldn’t be allowed.”

He’s on his high horse but it’s ok, this is all just providing me with evidence and a reason to kill him. I know I said I wouldn’t, but I think I’d kill him now just to make him stop talking.

Luna deserves better than this, better than me.

She’ll be so pissed if she ever finds out that I am not only in contact with Graham but actively spending time with him. Even worse, choosing to spend time with him and these people over spending time with her.

The grave I’ve dug myself is only getting deeper.

It’s another reason I need to call things off with her. Say I do commit to her, bring our relationship out in the open. Everyone I know will condemn her, and me and pity me for dating the one who lied about rape and being assaulted by a man that most people admire and look up to.

How she’s ruined his life, his reputation (which is not true because, he ended up getting a promotion and a new relationship within weeks of his arrest, whereas Luna struggles to attend her job most days now or leave her house) and will of course, do the same to me one day. I know the truth and have never been worried about that.

Luna wouldn’t lie to the police about being raped. Luna had refused to go to the police or even get checked out by a doctor when she had been raped in the past, choosing to ignore the risks because she was not able to deal with it then. She’s not able to deal with it now.

Luna: Sorry for being quiet, having a bad mental health day, well, week. Maybe month tbh

That’s our cue to one another. The communication we agreed to if we didn’t have the brain capacity to talk like normal. To let the other know rather than ghost or disappear suddenly.

Even with Graham sitting next to me, I pick up my phone and text her back. I won’t ignore her. I do however keep an eye on Graham because he’s known for grabbing someone’s phone out of their hands to try and see what’s hidden on it. He’s stolen Rebecca’s nudes in the past by doing that.

Me: You never have to apologise for being quiet. I understand

Then after a moment I add;

Me: I’m worried about you

Luna: Thanks

Luna: I’m not ok. I will be ok. I always am. Eventually.

And she goes silent on me. Even I can feel the weight of the burdens she carries, alone, never sharing it with anyone. Sometimes she’ll tell me but mostly, I know she keeps it to herself. Much like I do. That's how I know that there’s something wrong, but it’s also the reason I struggle to share or to help her share. I don’t know how, maybe she doesn’t either. Maybe a cuddle is all she needs, maybe I don’t need to do or say anything but just be there for her.

“Whose got you smiling at your phone?” I don’t think I’m smiling but maybe my features betray the fact that although I am worried about her, I am also speaking to the one person who brings out any kind of happiness or nice feelings in me. “I’m not smiling at my phone.” I counter, raising my eyes from my phone, carefully putting it back in my pocket. The one furthest away from him. I raise my stare to his and meet him, giving him a slight smile and wink.

“Who is she?” The arrogance and entitlement to think that there is something he doesn’t know and how he wants the information. Pissed off to be in the dark. Fuck him. “No one, I was checking the football scores.” The lie is effortless, but he knows, just like I know when he lies. Which is mostly every word that comes out of his mouth.