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Cole: June 2022

Just finishing up for the day when Luna messages me. She’s not been messaging me as often since she had to appear in the court hearing to give evidence. I’ve noticed that her messages to me are getting shorter. I can only assume now, since I’ve not asked is that she is disappointed in me.

Luna: Oh, what do you plan to do on your week off???

Me: Hopefully see you

I mean it but at the same time, I really could do with the time off to relax, recharge and finally get my hands on this asshole who has been evading me. I need to kill someone. It’s been too long. Besides, I know if I see Luna, I’m going to want to touch her and I’m not sure I have the self-control anymore not too. Especially with all the perverted, filthy fucking things she’s told me she wants me to do to her. That she touches herself and thinks about me doing to her. She indulges me, encourages me to be as fucked up and erotic as possible with her.

I do want her.

I have meant everything I have said to her.

I do think she is the most beautiful woman in the world, in the universe. There is no other for me, no matter who I’ve been with throughout my lifetime. She is my dream girl, my fantasy, my everything. Even more so finding out that she wants the same things I do, gets horny and worked up at the same things. She is perfect for me.

That’s why I know I’m going to have to end it with her.

And soon, because I can’t carry this on for much longer. She wants more; commitment, to date properly, a natural progression to how we are with one another.

Luna is right, this is the stage to move things onto the next level. A level I have purposefully avoided with everyone else. I am selfish enough to keep her hanging on, but I can also see her enthusiasm waver the longer it’s taking me to take it to offer up the idea of commitment between us.

She keeps asking what’s wrong, all I can hear is that she thinks there is something wrong with me. She knows or at least, she’s starting to realise how immature and emotionally unavailable I actually am.

She catches me at work, I’m sitting back looking over two men who I am trying to choose which one to focus my attention on. The texts come through in quick succession as they usually do when she’s either extremely happy or annoyed.

Luna: You’re not even showing empathy towards me. There’s a lack of feeling there when I talk about anything that is worrying me, or even last month with your lack of support around the court case.

Shit. That’s a little too close to home for me. She thinks I lack empathy? Fuck.

Me: I’m sorry, you’re right. There are times I genuinely don’t know what to say to you or how to support you

Luna: Then ask me, talk to me, you know… communicate!

Luna: You want to know what I wanted? All I ever want?

Me: Of course

Luna: I just want you to hug me, spend time with me

Fuck. I mean, I kinda already knew that but I’m at a loss. Is it really that simple? Just go round to hers and spend the evening with her? Cuddled up on her sofa and what, watch a movie with a takeout? That sounds really fucking nice.

Luna: I’d like, if we were really, properly dating because it feels like we're not, for you to come round to mine on evenings after work, we get something in or we cook and just cuddle up.

Luna: I won’t push you into anything sexual btw ffs if that’s what you’re worried about spending time with me. I just don’t understand how you're so sexual towards me by text and don’t touch me in person. If you want to take things slowly in person, then we take things slowly. We go at a pace that suits us both. BUT I want affection, Cole. I want you to touch me, hold my hand, hug me, kiss me.

Luna: I want you to kiss me, Cole

I wish it was that simple. I’m losing her. I know that now. So, instead of comforting her or doing exactly that and making the choice to go and spend time with her, I don’t reply for a few days. ?