Page 15

Cole: July 2022

And out of the blue, or it feels sudden for me and yet, it’s probably not. She has been hinting and wondering but while I’m on a break at work, the message comes through.

Luna: What are we? What are we doing, what are your intentions towards me?

Oh fuck… Here it comes.

Me: Luna, I’m at work right now

Luna: I guessed as much. I didn’t expect you to respond. You haven’t been so I just assumed you’d message when you were available to talk to me

It hurts something inside of me that her texts have been getting more formal towards me. She’s writing messages like she’s sending a business email. Maybe I should ask her for tips on how to be more professional in my work emails.

I don’t like it but at the same time I know that she wants an answer and realistically, she is entitled to know what she has asked. I’m just not ready to let her go. To push her away.

She’s backed me into a corner though. What the fuck do I say to her? I know that whatever I do say is going to hurt her and I’m selfish enough to not want to do that. I want to keep her always hanging on, always waiting for me. I wish she would accept what I can offer and just be happy with that. Never expecting anything of me or from me.

Fuck.

Me: I’ve been busy at work lately that’s all

Luna: What exactly do you do when you’re so busy all the time? I think you’re ignoring me. That’s fine but I’d rather you were honest about it

Fuck me.

Me: That’s not fair, I was just organising something for us to do this weekend?

No, I wasn’t but the lie is automatic, a kick back to keeping myself likable and in control.

Luna: I don’t believe that, and you never even asked if I was available

Me: What the fuck else would you be doing?

Luna: Anything I want, it’s not like you fucking care or would even notice

Me: What the fuck is that supposed to mean

Luna: Really? That you don’t care about me, I don’t believe you want anything to do with me. That’s how it feels with how you’ve been acting towards me and treating me

Oh shit. I didn’t think she’d figured out there was something wrong. I’d hoped that she wouldn’t notice. That I would be able to string her along… I don’t know what to say.

Luna: So, last chance then. Are we dating, are we being exclusive, are we progressing and being together properly? Or do you want me to exit stage right, leave you alone? Because that’s honestly how it feels. What do you want from me?

Me: I don’t know

She doesn’t reply for a while and something I can only imagine is anxiety spreading through me. I’m transfixed where I am, I can’t concentrate on anything else as I wait for a reply. She must reply at some point. She’s never actually ignored me. Not like I do to her regularly and have been doing more often as time has gone on. She’s entitled to the truth, but I can’t give it to her. I can’t tell her how I feel or what I want.

I don’t know.

Of course, I know what I want. She is all I’ve ever wanted. I’m not ready for this to be over though.

About an hour later the reply came. It’s somehow even more formal than anything else she’s sent.

Luna: I won’t lie to you. That’s not the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted an enthusiastic yes to being with me. That’s what I had expected. I will respect your honesty and your feelings. We obviously want very different things. I won’t be seeing or talking to you anymore. I hope you can respect that too. Take care of yourself Cole, I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for, Luna

Shit. She’s fucking done something I didn’t expect her to. She’s left me. I stand there in shock and think, no, she’ll be back.

She must change her mind.

Of course she will. ?