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Sundrop: November 2024

He’s barely spoken to me, going whole days without as much as a message. Not even one text. No more good morning or good night texts. Once there was a challenge between us who sent the good morning text first. He won most of the time, always up at an ungodly hour. I was impressed by that. I liked waking up and seeing messages, sometimes even pictures sent for me to wake up to. It made my whole day. Made me believe that he was thinking of me when he first woke up, that he was excited to speak to me. That was perhaps the intention, and it was all scheduled, not natural. Not even a “I’m busy with work.” He’s not even trying anymore.

He’s pulling away again and for once I know it’s nothing to do with me. Ever since I sent him those nudes, he's gone awol. If I lacked security in myself, I’d think that maybe he just wasn’t attracted to me. Maybe he didn’t like what he saw in the pictures. Maybe he was never interested in me. However, it’s been so long now, I know that he’s running because he liked what he saw in the pictures. It made it too real for him, I pushed too much, too quickly which made him panic and ran.

It’s what solidifies to me that, he does love me, and I know, even if I try and convince myself otherwise, I know I love him too. I'm disappointed by his behaviour but I’m also not surprised because let’s face it, I'm used to this from him by now.

I wish things were different. It’s funny because we are both online a lot. I see he’s active at the same time I am. I imagine we are both checking on each other. I might be prone to delusions and flights of fancy but with him, I’m convinced this is what’s happening. He keeps an eye on me, is probably wondering if I’m online then who am I talking to? Dumbass, I’m keeping an eye on you and wondering who you are talking to.

We’re both fucking stupid.

But I've communicated my wants, and I’ve made sure with him to make it crystal clear with zero room for any misinterpretation. That is all I can do. The ball as always is in his court. I made a joke back in September when he said he shouldn't have messaged me and that we shouldn’t talk, ok, fine and see him again this time next year. Because it takes him a year to get his shit together and talk to me again. That’s three years in a row. He said no but I know he’ll be in touch again at some point.

I can’t keep waiting around for him though.

I’m done.

So, I tell myself that I will just carry on with my life. He can’t give me the commitment and intimacy that I need from someone and I say goodbye without speaking to him. I don’t block him but I’m not reaching out anymore. I could but it’s starting to upset me; when I message him, and he ignores me. I can do it for a little while, but it keeps going on and on and even I’m not made for that. People say it's a bad thing, but I don’t think the fact that I want attention from someone I’m dating is bad. You should want to talk to and spend time with someone you claim to have feelings for.

Ok, and I know this time, there was no dating involved but there once was and the question always hung over us until I forced the subject and just asked outright…

What are we?

Because that’s all I wanted to know. I wanted to try and be a better friend for him, but that ship has sailed, and I don’t think I can be his friend anymore. I tried but I wanted more. I can’t be friends with him when I want to be with him. I love him.

I tried not to; I ignored it and pretended it wasn’t true. I did that for both our own goods because I have told him enough. He knew what I wanted, and he said he didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t want me, that’s what he didn’t want to say. He was trying to date other people. I must remind myself of that. Truthfully, he did want a relationship, he just didn’t want a relationship with me.

Seeing him on that dating app one month after he had yet again turned me down when I told him I wanted a relationship with him. He said, “I don’t know”. As if that was an acceptable answer. He did know, he just didn’t want to tell me the truth.

Maybe I do feel the tiniest twinge of insecurity after a lifetime of being alone because no one wants me like that. Maybe I am just too weird and off putting and people don’t want to be near me. Perhaps they are right to feel like that.

So unfortunately for me, I continue to go to bed at nights thinking of him and being fiercely cuddled into my spare pillow instead. I seek the warmth of a body behind me, something real that can hold me and love me. I seek things that have never existed in this world for me no matter how much I have wished and prayed and wanted them.

I can main and murder, dismember and play in blood. I can create a monster of my own, crafted from the flesh and blood of a victim or two, or three. Create a plaything of my own but even I am not yet too far gone, too deranged for that.

Cole. Cole. Cole.

I touch myself and think of him. I think of him and fall asleep, and he appears in my dreams, and I live life like the ghost I became. Turning invisible finally in one last act of defiance I didn’t want.

And then, after a few days of wallowing and wondering and wishing and wanting I decide.

Fuck him and fuck what he wants.

I’ve never been good at respecting anyone’s boundaries.

I decided to do what I do best and for the first time I put him truly in my sights. Out of respect for my feelings for him, I had never stalked him or dug any deeper. Now? Well, you can only fuck around for so long before I find out. And I will find out. I decide to make him my sole target and get to work to uncover what the fuck is wrong with Nicholas Cole Renfrew.