Page 22

Sundrop: October 2022

The world fell apart and in response I am amongst the dead again.

I really wish I could join them.

Nothing about these last few days have felt real.

I was swept away by an anger I have never experienced before.

And depression… The sky turned black, and the sun has failed to rise since that telephone call.

I am glad I wasn’t there in person.

Here lies Luna, in a puddle of blood. More like a swimming pools worth of blood.

I wonder how many people I’d have to kill and drain to fill a whole swimming pool.

I hate swimming.

Whatever there was of my heart is broken and now is no more.

I don’t know these men’s names. There were three of them this time.

I don’t remember what happened and I no longer care.

I never did.

I’ve lost that ability to care. To pretend. To pretend to care.

All I do know is that I killed these men to stop me from going to his house and killing him.

I can’t kill him.

This is what I had to do instead.

I lie in the blood of three grown, strapping specimens of maleness.

I run my fingers gently against the blood-soaked flooring. I’m not sure if it’s real wood or laminate.

I can’t kill him because I know that once will never be enough.

What he deserves is being dragged through each universe, realm, time and space and torn apart bit by bit in each one.

Infinity times of his body being brutalised, sodomised, broken apart.

I once told him, ‘I hope one day someone will do to you, what you have done to me.’

I meant it.

He deserves it.

It can’t be me, because his one life will not be enough.

Killing him once will never make me feel better.

It will never atone or admonish what he did to me.

Once will never be enough.

He deserves to suffer for what he has done.

Never have I felt more justified than I do now for the men I have killed, for the justice system has failed me as it has failed almost everyone else.

I am swimming in blood, floating in death.

I wish I was dead.

I wish I had never survived.