Page 99 of As the Years Pass

He scoffs. “It’s not about that.”

He walks away, disappearing into his room. Anger flares in my chest, and I go after him.

“Then what is it about?”

“I don’t know this guy!” he shouts, turning to face me and throwing his arms up. So he’s going to take his anger out on me? He wants to fight about thiswith me? Fine.

“Is it because she’s moving on?”

He blinks a few times, then says, “Are you kidding me?”

I cross my arms over my chest. “No, Adam. I’m not kidding you. I’m being very serious.”

“Why would you ask me that?”

“Because I don’t understand why you’re so upset about it. Did you think she would be single for the rest of your lives? Did you think there was a chance you’d get back together?”

“Wow,” he says, huffing out a disbelieving laugh. “Is that what you think is going on?”

“I don’t know because you aren’t saying shit to me. You’re all pissed off at her for having a boyfriend and yelling at me about it.”

He purses his lips, looking over my shoulder for a long moment before bringing his gaze back to me. Some of the tension leaves my shoulders because my words must have gotten to him. He must realize that he’s taking all this out on the wrong person and he’s mad for no reason. But what comes out of his mouth isn’t that at all.

“You know what? You just don’t understand because you don’t have kids.”

That hits me right in the chest. So goddamn hard that I can’t breathe.

I wait for him to apologize, to tell me he didn’t mean it. Not that it would matter because the damage is done, but if he said he didn’t mean it, I could blame it on his blind rage.

No, I don’t have kids, but I’ve spent time with his kids, and Iwantto have kids. I’d love nothing more than to have kids. And I’d hope that if I were in his situation, I could co-parent and figure things out. I don’t have the other side of the story, and Idon’t know what Leslie said or how she acts, but from what I’m getting from Adam, he’s just mad that another man is going to be in his kids’ life, and that’s jealousy. And I don’t like that. What the hell does he have to be jealous about when he’s with me?

I understand wanting to know him and being worried they’re moving too fast, but this isn’t fear or concern. He’s basically green.

If Leslie thinks he’s good enough, then he needs to deal with that. He needs to trust her. Maybe they need to talk about it more, and that’s fine too, but I don’t like how his reaction makes me feel. And maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about because I don’t have kids. Maybe he’s right and I am once again wrong.

But he doesn’t apologize, so yeah, I guess I am wrong. I guess I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I could shut my mouth. I could get dressed, walk out, and go home. It’s what I should do. He’s upset and lashing out. He doesn’t mean what he’s saying.

But I’ve spent my whole life loving Adam, and it hurts. It’s good for a while. In fact, it’s so good for a while that it doesn’t seem real. But then it hurts again. It hurts so much that I don’t know if all the good stuff is even worth it. I’m tired of it fucking hurting, I’m tired of him not letting me in. I’m just tired.

So I don’t shut my mouth.

“Maybe if you didn’t keep trying to hide our relationship, I could know what it’s like to have kids.”

Then I grab my stuff, and I leave.

Chapter Forty

Adam

I don’t really know what just happened. We were having a great morning, and now we’re fighting.

What are we even fighting about? Why is he mad?

I know what I’m upset about, but why did Emmet turn this around and make it about him? This isn’t about him. It’s about me and my kids and their mother. Emmet has nothing to do with it, and I don’t get why he made it all about him.

He never was a selfish person, but this seems really selfish.