Page 107 of As the Years Pass

Or maybe the wrong time; I don’t know just yet. Everything with Emmet is so confusing. It shouldn’t be, but it is, and I know it’s a me thing. My stupid insecurities get in the way, especially when it comes to him.

Emmet

I know it’s been a while since we talked, and I’m not trying to make things weird.

Emmet

Dominic’s getting married next weekend, and he asked if we’d go.

Emmet

It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just a trip. Like a mini vacation or something.

Emmet

It’s in Hawaii. I can cover your ticket if you want to go. There’s a hotel room block, so no rush deciding.

Emmet

I thought of you, and… well, I’d like to see you.

Emmet

Hope you’re doing okay.

I wake up to these texts late evening, after sleeping all day. I’m exhausted, because I slept like shit, which has been the norm for the last few months. I lie in bed every night, staring into the dark room, exhausted but unable to relax enough to fall asleep.

I’ve been stressed as hell lately, and for no reason I can figure out. I just feel awful. Work is a struggle but it’s the only thing I have to keep me occupied on the days I don’t have the kids. When they’re with me, my days are bright, my mind busy, but when I have to drop them off, that black cloud comes back with a vengeance.

Ian’s birthday is coming up, something he is thrilled about. Leslie is having a big party for him at her house, and they invited me. Of course they did, because why wouldn’t they? It’s a birthday party for our son. It’s going to be awkward as hell, but it’s my son’s fourth birthday party. I can’tnotgo. I’m just mad that I didn’t think to do something first so I could invite them, instead of the other way around.

I brush my finger across the screen, right over Emmet’s texts. I miss him so much that it makes me physically ill. I’ve so badly wanted to talk to him. Call or go to the bar, but something is stopping me. Like an invisible wall that pops up only when it involves him. An anti-Emmet wall, which is really stupid. Or maybe it’s good. Maybe it’s saving me from something.

I thought I was ready for everything Emmet was offering. We were together and things were great, but I don’t know. It’s just a lot. Overwhelming. Too much at times. The way he makes me feel is scary. But I do know that I love him. I do know that I’m hurting without him here, yet that wall is stopping me from fixing this, and I don’t know why. Why can’t I just let myself be happy?

Leslie knows about him, she made that clear. She’s accepted it. Hell, she’s been pushing me to talk to him without a single clue of why we aren’t together.

The kids will accept him too. They love him, loved when he was around, and Judy asks about him at least once a week. So what, then? Why am I freaking out? Why am I doing this to myself?

I reread his texts. Specifically, the one that says the trip doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s an innocent comment, but all I can think about is California and what happened there.

Was it the worst thing?

Not even close. I can’t regret anything with Emmet, I just need to protect myself from him.

I just wish I knew why I felt that way. He’s never done a single thing to hurt me. Not in all the years I’ve known him. He’s never done anything but protect me and love me and try to make me see how good our future could be together.

I’m an asshole. A royal asshole, and he still wants me. After all the pain I’ve put him through… he keeps coming back.

I type out my response before I can think better of it.

I could use a vacation. Send me the info, and I’ll look into booking a room. What flight are you on? Maybe there is an open seat.

He gives me all the information, and I book everything right away—though I don’t tell him that just yet. I don’t want to seem too eager, though I don’t know why. He wouldn’t judge me for it. In fact, it would probably make him happy. There isn’t an opening on his flight, so I have to get another one, but I make sure I get the confirmation for my room at the hotel.

Maybe this is a mistake, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

After everything is booked, I call Leslie to let her know. I should have asked her first, to make sure it’s okay to switch days with the kids, but it’s summer, so there’s no school. I’m sure she won’t mind. She’s been very accommodating lately.