Page 71 of As the Years Pass

I turn on my side to face Emmet. He’s hugging the pillow, face toward me, the muscles in his arms tense from the position. I so desperately want to reach out and touch him, run my fingers along his warm, soft skin. I want to feel him beneath me, the way I did back then. I want to hear him whisper my name into the dark, along with a million promises I was sure would last forever.

He always kept his promises.

I broke them all.

Every single one of them that I made to him, I destroyed. I stomped on them all, like they meant shit when they meant everything.

What the hell did I do?

Would he even forgive me?

Do I deserve that?

From what I remember of last night, he wants nothing to do with this—with us being more than what we are now. Just friends.

Not like this, he’d said.

Not like what? Because of the alcohol? Or something else?

What did he mean?

I watch Emmet until the sun is fully up, taking in his masculine beauty, and all I can think is how perfect this all feels.

Sharing a room. Sharing a bed.

Sharing a life.

Could we make it work? Is he willing to give me another chance?

There’s only one way to find out. For once in my life, I need to be brave and stand up for what I want, for what is going to make me happy. I’ve done things I didn’t want to for too long, and I’ve shoved away my feelings for Emmet for too long as well. There’s always been a fire burning for him within me. I don’t think it ever stopped.

I can’t say this realization has me overcome with emotion and need. It’s never been like that with him. It wasn’t an explosion with Emmet.

It was soft, calm. Like stepping into a warm ocean with slow steps, soon to be embraced by the waves. Then once you’re there, you’re floating, and it’s magic. It’s exactly what happened this time. Years have passed, yet here we are… like nothing has changed.

Well, not nothing.

A smile comes to my face when I realize this is exactly how it happened last time.

Friends to lovers.

Though, we aren’t quite there yet, but I want to be.

I so desperately want to be.

I miss having something for myself, I miss being happy.

I fucking miss Emmet.

And maybe being with him for those reasons isn’t right. Maybe I have my own things to work on, but if I’m with him, it’ll all be easier. Doing it with him, with his support and care and love, I can do anything.

He’s shown that to me already, all those years ago.

When I lost my parents, I thought I would die too. I wanted to. Hell, I talked about it. I said those words out loud, and was fully prepared to do it. Emmet was the one who talked me off the ledge. He was the one who told me things would get better. And they did get better. He was right. It was the only thing I needed to know I could trust him. Everything else he did, all the late night conversations and jokes and support, were just a plus.

I shouldn’t have left him. I should have listened to him. I should have known that everything would be okay as long as we were together. I should have trusted him. But I didn’t do any of those things, and there’s nothing I can do about that now except make it up to him.

Of course, that is only if he wants to.