Page 84 of As the Years Pass

That breaks my heart. Absolutely shatters it.

I slide my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder. His arms finally come up to hug me back, and I sigh in relief.

“We will figure this out together. I promise,” I tell him, and mean it with everything in me.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Emmet

I understand where Adam is coming from, but I can’t help but fear for the worst.

He left me once because I was a man, because he wasn’t comfortable enough to come out, and because he had this idea in his head that happiness comes from a “traditional” family.

I never understood that, but there was nothing I could do about it. I begged and pleaded for him to stay with me, but he wouldn’t—he didn’t. He made up his mind and went with what he needed to do. All I can do, like he said, is trust him. But that’s really hard when I did that once and he broke my heart.

His kids are young, and I get they won’t understand a lot of things. I can understand how introducing your kids, at any age, to someone you’re dating is scary. Especially when they’ve neverseen you date someone before and especially when that person is of the same sex. Really, I get it, and my frustration has nothing to do with him on a parental level, it’s really just my fear of being rejected again.

It shouldn’t matter who he’s dating. He should just tell them he’s happy and that you’re allowed to love whoever you want. He shouldn’t make a big deal about me being a man, just that I’m someone he cares about.

I get that I don’t have kids, and maybe that’s the issue here. Maybe I should just let it go, and let Adam do what he needs to do. They are his kids, and I hardly know them.

I have no say in any of this, and that’s scary to me. It’s terrifying, actually, especially because they have another parent too. One who may not approve of this and could give Adam a really hard time about it, especially since they have nothing in writing. It’s unfair, but this is the world we live in.

And in the end, maybe I’m setting myself up for failure here. I see what’s right in front of me, I see what’s happening, and I’m choosing to go along with it. I’m choosing him and hoping he’ll choose me back this time.

It all has me in a bad mood, and so when the movie is finished, I tell Adam I have to get to the bar, which he knows is an excuse. I’d just told him I can do what I want since I own it, but now I suddenly have to leave. I still do it though because he won’t call me out. There’s a ton of things that need to be done, and maybe after the conversation we just had, some space will help. I can lose myself in work for a while, clear my head, and we can talk about this again another time.

As I walk back to the bar, I take my time. Not that there’s a way to “take time” walking in a straight line. When I get to the bar, I don’t rush inside. I rest against the building and watch cars drive by.

The bar is already open, so everyone will be inside, ready to pounce on me when I get inside—verbally, not physically. It’s not that I don’t like them, they’re just a lot. But that’s a bar for you. It’s part of the job. We had our fair share of regulars at Durant’s too, but they were mopey guys who worked hard and needed a break. They didn’t come into the bar and try to find out everything about my sex life. They had no interest in me at all, other than what specials I was serving.

The door opens, and someone steps out—someone I don’t know. I smile at them and catch the door before it closes to head inside. I can only put this off for so long. There’s work to be done, and there’s no one else to do it. I’ve dodged them plenty of times before, I can do it now.

I manage to get inside without being seen by anyone other than Pete, so I hide away in the office. I’m deep in work on my computer when my phone dings, and I check the screen.

Adam

We aren’t fighting, are we?

I sigh, close my eyes and lean back in my chair. I hate thinking that he’s upset.

No, we’re not fighting.

Adam

Are you mad at me?

I’m not mad.

I feel like I should say more. I want to say more, but I don’t know what it is.

Adam

Can I please come by so we can talk?

You don’t have to. I get it.

Adam