Page 26 of As the Years Pass

When I get into my car, my phone dings with a text.

Adam

Sure.

Sure? That’s it? Just a sure?

I drop my phone onto the passenger seat and rest my head on the steering wheel.

Maybe coming here for him was a mistake.

When I get to the pier, I realize Pete was fucking with me. Though it’s still busy, there is next to nothing going on around here. I search the internet and learn most of the good stuffhappens starting in May. There is absolutely nowhere to get a fucking hot dog over here, which is really annoying because now I really want one.

So I sit in my car for a while and stare out at the water. Maybe if the bar ends up doing well, I can buy a boat. Sitting out in the water, not being bothered by anyone, sounds so good. Especially with a hot dog.

One day, maybe.

Music plays quietly from my car stereo as I watch the waves and people coming and going from the restaurants. They all look to be having the time of their lives, laughing and chatting with friends and loved ones.

I haven’t really had a friend since Adam. It was always him, when we were younger, and when he left, I broke. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know how to act or who to be. It’s like I couldn’t function without him. Of course, I moved on eventually. I figured out how to keep going in life. I had Dominic and my parents and the kids they continued to foster. Plus, I had my dad’s bar that kept me busy most of the time. It was always so easy to bury myself in work.

But then Mom got sick, and I lost everything. First it was the kids they fostered, because even though they were much younger than me, I helped out where I could. Then it was them, as all their time was taken up at doctor’s appointments and chemo treatments while I kept the bar going. Then the bar went because no matter what we did, it still wasn’t enough money. It was never enough.

When they left to go to Florida, I was left with nothing. I had to move on all on my own. For the first time in my life, I was alone.

I don’t remember how I came across the bar for sale in Seattle, but it felt like a sign. Like a fresh start. Like a way to get my life on track. Now, here I am, thirty-two, still alone, but in charge of a bar that very well could ruin me, and all before the holidays.

My mother will not be here for much longer, but if I could have just one more Christmas with her, I’d be thankful forever. Just one more, that’s all I ask.

I stare down at my phone and know what I have to do.

I’ll be there for Christmas. Promise.

Dad

That will be so wonderful love you son.

Love you too

With a heavy sigh, I put my car in drive and go in search of a place I can get a hot dog.

The Doggseems as good a place as any, so I head downtown. It’s raining heavily by the time I get there, and I hurry inside. I should invest in an umbrella. I don’t know how I came here without one or haven’t gotten one yet. Maybe because I spend most of my time in the bar and not out in public.

I sit in the small booth in the back corner that has enough room for two people. The place is busy, with most of the other booths and tables full, and a long line of people to the door for take out.

“Hey, afternoon.” The waiter puts down a menu in front of me. “Do you need a minute?”

“Yeah, please.”

“Sure thing. I’ll be right back.”

He leaves, and I look through the menu, deciding on the hot dog flight because it looks like fun, and I think what Pete was trying to tell me is that I don’t have fun.

I guess I don’t, but it’s not really a problem. I have a lot going on.

When the waiter comes back, I put in my order.

He smiles brightly, then gives me thatlook.Like he’s interested. I get it often, and have through the years. I don’t know what it is about me that attracts guys. That’s not true. I know exactly what it is, which is why it never means anything. It’s not about me and who I am, it’s about how I look. I’m a big guy, long hair, beard. I look like I’d be a good time in bed. I know this because it’s what I’m always told. It’s the only thing anyone ever wants from me.