Page 38 of As the Years Pass

It’s a Thursday night, and it’s busy as hell. I love that. The week is steady, but the weekends are when we have a huge crowd—though, it could be bigger.

Adam texted me about an hour ago, asking if I was here. I haven’t answered, and I already told Pete that if he shows up and for some reason asks, to tell him I’m not.

I can’t handle another loss right now. Being there when my mother died was a lot—too much. I thought coming back here would make things easier. She wanted me to be happy and moveon, and leaving would allow me that. I’d be doing exactly what she wanted.

But this world is so fucking lonely.

I realize that more now, after spending time with them, after waking up to other people in my house, after hearing my father’s laughter, and after hugging him for hours because he’s alone too.

I begged him to come with me or to let me stay there. He was firm in saying no. He’d prepared himself for this, and he has friends in the community who will help him. I’m young and need to work on the bar and find a man to love and do all the things that make me happy.

If only it were so simple.

I appreciate my parents for being strong and knowing what I’m capable of—if only I could know it too.

I came to Seattle with the intention of winning Adam back, but now that I’ve seen his life, it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. Though, I hadn’t really thought about it at all, if I’m being honest. I just did it, which was probably stupid, considering I had no plan. I was chasing after love blindly because that’s all that mattered… love.

It’s not like I can declare that we’re together because I’m here; he needs to agree too. I ignored that part, maybe as an excuse to get here. I don’t know anymore. My head is fuzzy with static and no clear thoughts. I’m anxious and antsy and I can’t sleep even though I’m so fucking tired.

I don’t know what to do and I have no one to talk to.

No one. I have no friends here—or anywhere for that matter.

I have nothing but my bar and the life I need to make for myself—the life waiting for me in the future somewhere.

It’s so fucking lonely.

I could go out there and talk to Adam and be happy with the little scraps he gives me. It wouldn’t even be intentional. I bet he has no idea I’m still so in love with him. But that’s the problem.Everything he does is a question in my head. Is he talking to me because he loves me too? Or is it because he’s being nice? Will I look into things too much, fall harder, and then be devastated when he lets me down? And in the end, I’ll be the one to blame because it was all in my head?

I don’t know how to just be friends with Adam, but if that’s all I can get, I should take it.

Still, I can’t get my feet to walk out the door and go to him. I’m sure he’s still sitting there at the bar. Pete said he’s been coming here more often. I guess he would, now that he isn’t working and traveling back and forth to California. And I’m sure he still only has his kids on the weekends, so that leaves him with plenty of time through the week.

The minutes slowly tick by, turning into hours, and before I know it, it’s closing time.

“Everyone is gone,” Pete says. “You good?”

I nod. “I’ll be leaving in a few.”

“Good night,” he says, then grabs his jacket and umbrella. The door closes a moment later. If I’m not going to leave right this moment, I should lock the doors behind him so no one comes in, but I really should leave. It’s late. So I pack up my things, and head out the door.

“I knew it!”

I whirl around, the heavy rain making it difficult to see who is speaking, even with the street lights on. Maybe some lights out here wouldn’t be a bad idea. I can do that when I fix the sign and repaint the building, because this could be dangerous.

The man steps closer to me, and I finally make out who it is through the heavy downfall.

Adam.

“I knew you were here. Why didn’t you answer me?”

He’s close enough that I can smell the alcohol on his breath.

“I was busy,” I say as I lock the door.

“Too busy for me?” he says harshly, as if he’s offended.

“I have a lot going on, Adam. I’m sorry.”