Page 40

He pulls away with a smile and ruffles my hair. “You too. Be good. Don’t do something I won’t do.” He chuckles at himself, and I snort.
When I get backto the apartment, I hesitate before letting myself in. I can’t hear if Stef’s home or not, but he probably is. He doesn’t strike me as someone who stays out late drinking or partying. I can’t decide if I want him to be behind that door or not. Yeah, seeing him at the game, smiling and laughing was nice. But it made me feel something I don’t want to feel. And Papa’s reaction to him only brought it home hard. He would not approve of me feeling this way about guys.
Stef’s in his room when I let myself in. His door’s closed and his tiny shoes are sitting by the door. I think about knocking and asking if he wants to order a pizza or something, but I chicken out at the last minute and microwave a burrito instead, taking it into my room.
I login to Bookgeeks and hope horror boy’s online. Just to have an honest - or kinda honest - conversation with someone. Someone who doesn't know me and can't judge me. A conversation that doesn’t have to come with consequences.
When I login, I have a message waiting for me.
RedRum237: I noticed you haven’t been active in the MM romance group where we met? Don’t you read that stuff anymore?
Fuck.What do I say to that?Yeah, I think I’m good with the whole gay thing. Think I’ll just leave it where it is and do absolutely nothing about it. Be a virgin forever. Why not?
Kelsier38: I haven’t really had time to read anything recently. But I guess I’ve been avoiding that stuff specifically, yeah.
I watch him typing something back, my hands sweating over the keyboard.
RedRum237: Why?
It took him that long to type that?
Because I’m a chicken-shit virgin who’s too scared and too freaked out by the idea of actually having sex IRL to do anything about it.Instead, I type:
Kelsier38: I don’t know.
There’s a pause before he replies, and I think he’s logged off before he starts typing again.
RedRum237: Have you spoken to anyone else online?
Kelsier38: You mean, like the way we ‘spoke’?
RedRum237: Yeah
Kelsier38: No.
RedRum237: Why not?
Kelsier38: I don’t know
RedRum237: Come on.
That cute little fucker always pushes me.
Kelsier38: I guess I never found anyone I liked talking to as much as you.
I hit send, my face on fire, and slump back in my chair.
RedRum237: Oh
Butterflies start flapping around in my stomach and I remember why I was crazy enough to agree to meet him back then.
Kelsier38: Sorry, I know you just broke up with someone
RedRum237: He cheated on me, I don’t want to waste any more time thinking about him
I have to refrain from growling at the computer.
Kelsier38: He’s a piece of shit who didn’t deserve you