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I realize that I don’t need him to. Not right now anyway. Not if he’s not ready. I’m happy to love him and wait for him to join me. We haven’t exactly had the easiest or smoothest of starts. And I haven’t exactly been the nicest or-
“I love you too. Obviously.”Obviously.
My whole body floods with warmth. Even my shoulder doesn’t hurt for a second.
“Oh.”
“Oh?” he laughs.Yes! There’s that sound I love. Stef being happy. I want that sound for the rest of my life. Wanna be oneof the many reasons he smiles and laughs. Wanna be the only reason he moans – well I’ll give those keftedes a pass, he can moan over those, and I guess he can make himself moan...
“Why are you laughing?” he asks, that smile definitely in his voice now.
“I don’t know. I’m just happy. And I know everything’s fucked, I know. It’s just, I thought I’d lost you.”
“You haven’t lost me. I lost you.”
“No-”
“I shouldn’t have lied to you, I was scared and-”
“Stop it, I overreacted, you don’t need to explain.”
“I do I-”
“Steffy.”
He stops talking.
“Tell me what happened at the performance.”
He takes a deep breath before letting out a big sigh. “I messed it up. No, I didn’t even get on stage. I had a panic attack and started hyperventilating in the wings. In front of the whole orchestra and Professor Lisette. I must have looked like a crazy person, it was awful.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
He’s quiet for a second, and I hope he’s not crying. But if he is, then I’ll just have to comfort him. That’s my job now. And unlike working in a bank, it’s a job I actually want.
“I haven’t spoke to my parents about it yet. They just took me home and I said I wanted to be alone. I’m in my room and Ari’s downstairs with them, watching TV.”
“You should tell them how you feel. They’ll understand. They love you so much.”
He lets out a shaky breath. “I know, I just… don’t wanna let them down.” He sniffles and I listen, trying to be there for him, wishing I could put my good arm around him.
“You haven’t let them down. I promise you.”
I think about his big, warm family. The way his dad and mom and grandfather looked at him like he hung the moon because he was playing some folk song in a restaurant. I know they don’t give a shit if he’s playing in some honky tonk or Carnegie Hall. They just love him and want him to be happy. The way I do.
“What about your shoulder?”
“It’s over.” I say. “I have to get surgery and it’ll take four to six months to recover. Season will be over by then. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to graduate.”
“Surely school won’t kick you out?”
“I’m here on a hockey scholarship, they have no obligation to let me stay.”
“But you got that injury playing hockey, for them. Whatever happens, we won’t let them kick you out. You’ll graduate and pass with flying colors, the plan can still be the same Alexei, you can still get your finance internship. You don’t need to play hockey for that.”
I sigh, resting my head against the hard metal frame of the hospital bed.But I just wanted this one last season.
“And no more concussions!”