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Anger bubbles at the mention of my dad. Someone verbalizing the way he expects so much of me. “What’s this got to do with my dad?”
“I don’t know, maybe everything? Why were you even talking to some guy anonymously online anyway? Why did you stand this horror boy up when you agreed to meet? Who are you scared of disappointing?”
I shake my head. “None of this takes away from the fact that Stef lied to me.”
“No, it doesn’t. But maybe it explains why you’re being so hard on him. Why you’re so hard on yourself. The things your dad expects of you man… people aren’t perfect. We fuck up. We get scared. We do stupid shit. But I bet he didn’t mean to do it. He was probably just scared and did the wrong thing. He knowsyou’re not out to your dad. Maybe he thought you’d freak out and he wanted to give you time?”
Stef’s face when I was calling him a liar comes back to me and something floods over me, bringing a lump to my throat.
“Fuck.” I sink back on Pawlowski’s bed, letting my head bump the wall. “Have I fucked this up?”
“No, just go home and apologize. Talk to him. You’ve got a right to be mad that he didn’t tell you as soon as he found out. But, you can make it right man. Things are messy sometimes. It’s like, if something’s not perfect, you think it’s shit and you discard it.”
I look at him, seeing this idiot I’ve played hockey with for the past three and a half years in a new light. “You know you should have taken psych, you missed your calling.”
“Fuck psych man, I’m going to Vancouver.”
I push off the wall. “You got accepted?”
He nods, a shy smile spreading across his face. “Did you get anything back yet?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t checked my email in a while, when did you get it?”
“Yesterday.”
I think about reading my email on my phone, but I can’t face it. Not like this. “I can’t deal with that shit right now. I need to make things right with Stef.”
Pawlowski gives me a shove. “So go already.”
I rush backto the apartment like a man on a mission. But when I get there, Stef isn’t home. His violin case isn’t by the door where he usually leaves it, so I think he’s gone to the music department to rehearse for that show he has coming up in the city.
But then I see a note on the kitchen counter and my stomach drops.
Alexei,
I’m so sorry I lied to you. You were going through a lot and I didn’t want to take away the two people you seemed to be able to talk to at the same time. I knew you might be suspicious of my intentions, or not believe that living with you was a coincidence I didn’t orchestrate, and I understand that. But I also understand why you’re mad at me, and you have every right to be and I’m so sorry. Please don’t let this drive you back into your shell. Just because I made a mistake, it doesn’t mean you should undo all the hard work you’ve done on yourself.
I need to rehearse for the big show tomorrow and I think it’s best if I spend some time away from you so we can both focus. I don’t want to get in the way of you making it to the Frozen Four. I know how important it is to you.
I’m sorry.
Stef
Fuck.All I wanna do is go to him and tell him I understand. If I would have just let him explain, I would have seen that he was trying to protect me. When was the last time someone protectedme? Off the ice at least?
He’s been like my real life defenseman, taking hits for me. And I didn’t even see it.
His show is tomorrow, and I’ve been too in my head to even realize. Too focused on hockey and complaining about my own shit to even think about the fact he’s gonna be stressing out.
I want to go to him, but he asked me to stay away, give him space so he can focus. If I go to him, I might fuck that up.
Pawlowski texts, asking if I made it up with Stef yet.
He doesn’t wanna talk to me, he’s got that big show tomorrow
He does, go to him, he’s probably with Alice. Want me to text her?
No, don’t. Let them focus on the show. I’ll talk to him after