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While he eats, I ask myself,why now? Why did I stand up to him for the first time in my life? The only factor that’s different is Stef. The fact I’ve stopped lying to myself about this one thing. That I’ve been honest with another human being who isn’t trapped behind the screen of a computer or a phone. Unlike horror boy, Stef’s real. And that makes what I feel about him real too.
After graduation,I promise myself.After graduation, I’ll get a good job, help Papa out and wait until he’s got over the fact I’m not playing in the NHL. THEN I’ll tell him about Stef.
It should be scary, how I know I’ll still be with Stef then. If he’ll have me. But it’s not. The only thing that scares me is worrying he won’t wanna be with me too.
On my way back to the apartment, I login to Bookgeeks and send horror boy a message I should have sent the second Stef and I started getting close.
I know you’ve met someone and you can’t talk on here anymore. I just wanted to let you know I’m happy for you and I respect it. And I don’t want you to feel guilty, because I’ve met someone too. I’m sick of lying about everything. Sick of hiding. You can stay anonymous if you want, but I can’t, not anymore.
My name is Alexei Simakov and I play hockey in the NCAA. I’m from Brooklyn, as you know, but I live in New Jersey and I’m a senior about to graduate with a finance degree. I’ve applied for internships in banks, but what I really want, is to get an job in the NHL and be around hockey forever.
And I’m crazy about my roommate. His name’s Stef and he’s the kindest, most beautiful, bravest, honest person I’ve ever met.
He took care of me when I was hurt. He brings me food and makes sure I eat well. And he makes me feel fearless for the first time in my life, like I could do anything.
I hope you have this with the guy you met, and I hope he knows how amazing you are.
Thank you for listening when I had no one else. I think there were times when you might have saved my life.
Love Kelsier38 aka Alexei
23
STEFANOS
Ican’t believe Alexei stood up to his dad for me. It should have been amazing. But in the moment, I didn’t want him to. I don’t deserve it.
I’m lying to him. He trusts me and I’m lying to him. And he could blow up his whole life for me, and then find out that I’m not exactly who he thinks I am.
I login to Bookgeeks to check if he’s sent me a message. I did tell him he could contact me if he needed to.
I don’t expect to see anything. I feel like I’d know if Alexei was messaging horror boy, and I tell myself that since we’ve been hooking up, I’ve been giving him what horror boy used to.
So when I see a message notification flash up, my heart leaps into my throat. My first instinct is jealousy. Does he still want horror boy? Is there something I’m not giving him? I know it’s ridiculous, becauseI’mhorror boy. But it’s easier to show your best side online. And there’s a possibility that the real thing didn’t quite match up to the fantasy.
But then I click on the message and read to the second paragraph and…fuck.
He’s outed himself to me. He’s stopped the hiding and he’s put himself out there. Completely bare and vulnerable. To a guy who’s been lying to him for weeks.
Fuck.
I thinkabout messaging back on Bookgeeks and telling him who I am. But this is the coward’s way out. If I’m gonna tell him the truth, then it needs to be face-to-face. That’s the least he deserves.
I wait for him to come home, my head spinning. Going through what I should say and how I should say it. I don’t know if it’s the coward in me again, but a thought pushes to the front, telling me that Alexei is gonna be tired and probably sore from his game. I can’t imagine the dinner with his dad went very well either, and the last thing he needs is some emotional revelation when he comes home.
But I can’t just sit here and pretend like he didn’t just come out to horror boy, aka - me. That he didn’t stop the lying and put it all on the line.
I go into my room and close the door before climbing into bed. If he comes home and gets into bed with me, if I’m not asleep already, I’ll pretend to be. I’ll talk to him in the morning. Definitely.
I’m still awake when he gets home.
I listen to him turning his key in the door and taking his shoes off and putting his bag down. He’s trying to be quiet, and he probably even feels guilty for the way his dad dismissed me. Guilt churns in my stomach. I’m letting him carry all this guilt around, and I know how much it weighs on him. I know how heavy it is for him. But I can’t bear to put one more stress on him, not tonight.
The floorboard outside my door creaks, and I stiffen and squeeze my eyes tight shut, anticipating him opening the door and climbing into bed behind me.Fuck I want him to.Wanna feel his body heat and his arms around me. But I don’t deserve his protection or his warmth right now.
He goes to bed in his own room and my heart sinks.
For a split second,when I open my eyes, everything is fresh and new. And then it hits me. I hear Alexei making coffee in the kitchen and brace myself for what I have to do.