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He opens his mouth and closes it again without saying anything. He’s been yapping on and on while I stood theresilently, and now I’ve actually asked him a question, he’s been struck dumb.
“I spend one night away from home and you… sleep with someone else. In our bed.”
Oh god,the thought turns my stomach.
“Is this the first time you’ve done something like this?”
“Yes, God yes, Stef listen-”
But there was a flicker of something on his face the second before he answered. Has he cheated on me before? Have I unknowingly slept in a bed some other man has fucked my boyfriend in? Have I had sex with Dorian on top of sheets soiled with some other man’s bodily fluids?
“I think I’m gonna be sick.”
I rush to the bathroom and bend over the toilet, dry heaving for a while like I do after a performance, and like most of those times, nothing comes out. I still feel awful though. Wrung out and exhausted. Empty.
When I turn around, Dorian’s standing there in the doorway, watching me with this parody mask of concern.Does he even give a shit? Has he ever given a shit?
“I’m going to Alice’s.”
He takes a beat before saying, “okay, I’ll give you your space if that’s what you want.”
I pause in the hallway. Is this a trick? Is he trying to worm his way out of owning up to his fuck up? Or does he think if he gives me enough time I’ll come running back?
I replay the image of the strange man hopping around my bedroom half-dressed and make the decision once and for all.
“I’m moving out, I’ll come back for my things another time.”
“Stef, don’t be rash, we can talk about this, you just need time to cool off-”
I slam the door before he can say anything else.
I don’t stop storming awayuntil I’m certain Dorian isn’t following. There’s a small part of me – or okay, maybe a largish part – that is disappointed he isn’t running down the street shirtless, begging me to stay with tears streaming down his face. But instead, I’m the only one with a wet face. Walking like a madman with no real purpose or destination.
If I go to Alice, I know she’ll welcome me with open arms, listen to me complain, hug me while I cry and call Dorian an asshole - and there’s the problem. Even after what I’ve just witnessed, I can’t completely reconcile the idea that this is it. And if I tell Alice he cheated on me, there’ll be no going back.
I look at the contacts on my phone, my thumb hovering over my sister’s name, Mama, Baba, my brother Ari. But I can’t tell any of them what’s happened, because they don’t even know Dorian exists.
I call the restaurant, just to hear a friendly voice. Mama answers on the second ring and I can tell straight away they’re busy.
“Tolis’ Taverna, Althea speaking, how can I help?”
“Mama?”Shit,my voice comes out even weedier and more pathetic than I’d feared it would.
“Stef? Everything okay hon?”
“Fine, I…” I pull the phone away from my ear and clear my throat. “I just wanted to see how everyone is?”
The sounds in the background remind me of my childhood. Getting under Mama’s feet, stealing fries from the customers’ plates before they left the kitchen. Helping Baba roll his famous keftedes and trying not to eat them before they’d been plated up.
“Sorry, did I call during the lunch rush?”
“We’re a little rushed off our feet here hon,” I don’t think she heard what I said. “Can I call you back later?”
“Yeah sure, of course.”
She pauses, and I don’t know whether it’s because she’s busy, or because she senses something’s wrong. “Okay,” she says finally. “See you soon hon. Kisses.”
She puts the phone down before I can say it back.