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Michael’s there, and the medics for the game.
“I think I’ve done something.”
“Your shoulder?” Michael asks.
I nod. Tears stinging the back of my eyes. But I can’t cry. My dad’s here. This is on TV for fucks sake. I can’t start crying in my last ever game.Fuck. Is this really my last ever game?
25
STEFANOS
“Oh my god!” Alice slaps her hands over her mouth.
The people watching the hockey game in the campus bar are on their feet, roaring “penalty!” at the big screen as we watch Alexei be taken off the ice.
He’s on his feet. Alice tells me he doesn’t look as bad as the time he was carried off on a stretcher with a concussion. But by the look on his face and how pale he is, it’s definitely not good. Something really horrible has happened to his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” Alice asks.
“I’m fine. But Alexei…” I trail off.
“Do you wanna go and see him? I could find out from Mischa where they’ve taken him. We could go together.”
I shake my head. “I’m the last person he’ll wanna see.”
“Stef, you know that’s not true. From what Mischa said, he knows he overreacted and he’s just giving you space because that’s what you said you wanted.”
I swallow. A lump of hope rising in my chest.
But then the way his dad looked at me, talking like I wasn’t even there, comes back and I decide it would be for the best if I just stay away. He has enough on his plate right now withouthaving to defend me to his dad. The worst thing being – I don’t even know if he would defend me right now, not after what I did.
“I’ll make things worse with his dad if I go, I should wait until after the performance tomorrow. I’ll talk to him then.”
I try to focus on the game for Alice’s sake. But I can’t stop looking at my phone, hoping he’ll text, ask me to come and see him, tell me he forgives me and understands why I lied.
I go backto the apartment after the game. Part of me hopes Alexei will be there and that Alice was right about him feeling like he overreacted. But the other part of me – the cowardly part - is relieved when I get home and find the place empty.
I wait up to see if he comes home, but after an hour with no sign of him, I go to bed.
It’s onlywhen my alarm wakes me for rehearsals the next morning that my anxiety over the big performance has a chance to overtake my fears for Alexei.
I shower and get dressed in a daze. Forcing myself to focus on the task without thinking about it too much.
My mom texts when I’m on my way to rehearsals.
Can’t wait to see you perform tonight hon – break a leg!
That should boost me up, but it doesn’t. It just reminds me that they’ll be there to witness it if I mess up. And unlike at the restaurant, it’ll matter if I mess up. People will notice. I’ll let the rest of the orchestra and Professor Lisette down. And I’ll let my family down, again.
I reply with shaking hands.
Thanks Mama, see you there.
Alice is waiting for me outside the music building with her trumpet case leaning against the wall. It’s getting warmer now. The sun peeking through the clouds. And it only makes my clothes feel tighter and hotter. The sweat in my armpits more aggressive.
“Hey, you okay?” Alice asks. “Did Alexei come home last night?”
“No.” My stomach churns at the thought of him in a hospital all night. I should be there. I wish I knew if he wanted me there.