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I scrolled through a few more before letting my head drop into my hands.
How could I have been such a fool? How could I have not seen it then?
I didn't want to look anymore. Her expression had shifted into one of pure disappointment. Any passing person might have mistaken her countenance for contentment, but I knew Clara. She had been frustrated with my long hours away from her, the days turning into weeks and occasionally months. She had put up with so much from me.
She's not glowing in these pictures,I reflected when I finally dared to look.She just doesn't have the same sparkle from the beginning of our relationship. And I'm the one who dimmed her shine.
I closed the folder.
That was enough torture for one day. Although I had wanted a distraction to help me get back to writing, I was feeling more depressed than motivated. I wanted to talk to Clara. I wanted to take all the nights back that I had wasted on the streets of Europe instead of home in her arms.
If I could have traveled back and told my younger self the result of this job, I would have changed in an instant. I liked to think that I would have sacrificed whatever I needed in order to keep Clara. Knowing what I knew now, I would have been motivated.
But I might not have changed at all. I might have driven myself mad trying to find the balance between Clara and traveling. And she had just started up her interior design business. How could I ask her to leave? She was settled here in Oklahoma and I was still wandering around the world like a lost child.
I was just trying to find my place. This job helped me determine that place, but it lost me the best years of my life. If I had held onto what we had created in high school, then maybe things would have been okay. I could have worked in an office here. I could have—
There were so many words spinning through my brain that I was getting dizzy. I grabbed my coffee mug from my desk, wandered to the door, and walked into the hallway, heading toward the balcony.
A little fresh air will give me perspective.
I greeted the late morning on the balcony, sitting between a couple of plants that my mother had placed out for some sun. I touched their leaves, their delicate green arms bending beneath my shaking fingers. I pressed my fingers into my palms and shuddered.
As I turned to look over the lawn, a pang rippled through my chest.
The only perspective I'm gaining out here is the fact that I keep denying how Clara makes me feel. I still love her—a lot. And I still want her in my life.
I frowned at my coffee.
So, what can I do to change?
I didn't want to think about leaving my job. I didn't want to consider settling back down in Checotah or leaving the clients I had picked up along the way. I had gained a great reputation in business.
Could I really toss that all away for the sake of love?
I guess people have sacrificed so much more than what I would be giving up. Is it really that big of a deal? Do I really need to have this job?
I hummed as I sipped more coffee. I decided that I wouldn't think anymore—not right now. I was going to enjoy the birds singing and the breeze kissing my cheek.
I needed it more than anything.
CHAPTER16
Clara
“Hey, love!”I greeted as I hopped up on the sidewalk. “Are you ready to shop?”
Laura smiled warmly and wrapped me in a hug. “Of course! The farmer's market always has my favorites.”
“And it's fresh.”
“Yes, ma'am.”
I released her and we hooked our arms together, walking leisurely up to the long rows of vendors selling fresh produce. We strolled past the apples and sailed with determination toward the tomatoes.
“Ah, this would be so good with some olive oil and parmesan cheese,” Laura remarked while lifting a plump red tomato. “Could we get a few?”
“Of course. Let me grab a basket.”