Page 409

But first, after kissing Daddy goodbye and telling him once again how much I loved him, I went out to breakfast with Leanna. I hadn’t told Daddy what happened with Elijah, which was another thing that I felt guilty about, especially after I’d come to him practically crying and he told me he’d listen to whatever was bothering me. But, he didn’t press me. He just let me go with the unspoken assurance that any time I was ready to talk, he was there.
At the diner over breakfast, my sister wasn’t letting me off so easily.
I told her the whole story. If we’d been in one of the old cartoons we used to watch, Leanna’s jaw would have dropped right into her plate, her hair would have stood up as if she’d grabbed a live wire, and her eyes would have popped right into my face. I squirmed inside to see her reaction.
Gripping the edges of the table, forcing herself to lower her voice, she said in the kind of hushed tone that you make when you’re making yourself not scream out loud, “Oh…my…GOD!”
For a moment, I didn’t want to look at her. I just looked off in the distance.
Only slightly calmer, Leanna said, “Addie, youdidn’t!”
Looking back at her, pained, I said feebly, “I did.”
“And, Elijah…”
“Yes. He did. I let him.”
She bowed her head and rubbed at her brow as if she felt the whopper of all headaches coming on. “My God… MyGod,howcorruptis this? How low and base and dirty and…corruptis this?”
She suddenly realized what she was saying and that I was looking right at her as she said it, and she lifted her head again and reached out, putting a hand on my arm. “Oh, Addie. Your first time. After you waited through your whole relationship with Blake, and you never lethim…And the two of you were together for what seemed like forever. And now…this.WithElijah.”
“I was sure about him,” I said helplessly. “I was really sure, or I wouldn’t have… I never would have…”
She stopped me, not really needing to hear the rest of that sentence. “Oh, Addie, I know you wouldn’t.” She didn’t go so far as to say we weren’t “that kind of girls,” but the meaning was there.
“So that’s why you came home,” she realized further, putting it all together. “You had to get away from allthat.”
“That’s why,” I admitted. We were quiet for a moment, and then I reflected, “Looking back on Blake, I still think I did the right thing. Your first time is something you never want to do unless you’re really, absolutely sure. And, I wassurewith Elijah; I really was.
“But, I keep thinking, were there signs? Were there things I should have seen? If you’d ever told me that a man like that came from that kind of life… I don’t know what I would have thought.”
On further reflection I further admitted, “But, I probably wouldn’t have let things come to that.”
“Don’t blame yourself,” she said. “You respected yourself enough to wait ‘til you were sure it was right. You’re not responsible for Elijah’s past or for that…beast.It’s not your fault and don’t ever think it is.”
“I’ve gone over it, and I know I’m not to blame. I don’t go in for that backward old idea that women shouldn’t be interested in sex, only making babies when they’re married, and that they shouldn’t enjoy it. Only old dinosaurs think that way. But, I keep going over it and thinking maybe I should have given it more time with Elijah. If I’d waited a little longer, who knows, I might have seen something, I might have picked up on something, anything…”
“Don’t do that to yourself,” Leanna said. “You’ll make yourself crazy.”
“Crazier than I’ve been feeling since it happened?” I wondered. “I’m not completely sure about that.”
She leaned in confidentially and softly asked, “Did you tell Daddy?”
Squirming inside again, I confessed, “I wanted to. But, I couldn’t. It was hard enough telling you.”
“Are yougoingto tell him?”
“I know I should,” I said, shrugging. “And, I almost did. I’d be right on the edge of telling him, and then it was like I’d jump forward a few minutes in my mind and see…”
“How shocked he’d be? The way I was?”
“It’s not like he hasn’t heard things like this before, from his parishioners. There must have been someone in the church who had a problem like this, who came to him about it, looking for advice.” The idea of it made my heart sink. “It’s just that it would be so different for him, coming from his own daughter.”
Leanna reached across the table and took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “You’re afraid he’d be disappointed in you. Addie, you remember what he’s always told us? We could never disappoint him because we’re a part of him. And, nothing we ever did could change the way he loves us.”
“I know that in my head,” I replied. “It’s just that… He’s notjustour father. He stands for something.”
With another squeeze of my hand, my sister said, “What he’s always been about is love and forgiveness for everyone. Especially, for his own family. Addie, you could have told him. You still can.”