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She let out a little sigh,and then she pressed her lips together. I couldn’t tell whether she was accepting my words. This whole scene felt so much like the way it ended with Kathleen and me, and with Corinne, it hadn’t even gotten started.
Needing to fill the silence,I went on, “I thought that life I used to have was over. I thought it was all done with and behind me. But, of course, it had to come back.
“Hehad to come back,envying me, wanting what I had, which he hadn’t earned. Thinking he could just buddy up with me again, and some of what I had would rub off on him or I would give him some of it. Thinking he could lie to me that he was clean. And, resenting me. I knew better, as soon as he showed up, and I didn’t know how to get rid of him. And then…this happened.”
She found her voice,and when she looked up again, this time she looked me full in the face. It wasn’t as encouraging as I hoped it would be.
“How dowe know he won’t keep coming back?” she asked.
“I’ll pressevery charge against him that the law will allow,” I promised. “Disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, aggravated assault, possession and use...whatever I can get on him, I’ll get on him and make it stick. I will never,everallow him to hurt you, Corinne.Ever.”
“You saidthere were other people like him that you used to…associate with,” she recalled. “How do I know none of them will show up? How do I know they’re not just as bad?”
“I haven’t heardfrom any of them in years,” I tried to assure her. “They’re all out of my life.”
“So was he.”
“They’reno part of my life any more. And, I’m not who I was then. That’s all over and done with. I’ve changed. People can change, Corinne, and I have, I swear it. I swear on my life, my bread, my blood, whatever you want me to swear on, I’m not who I was. No one and nothing else from that part of my life is ever coming back.”
She didn’t smile.The shadow that seemed to have fallen over that beautiful face that had looked up at me with such passion and joy when we were in bed, didn’t move. I wasn’t reaching her, but I didn’t know what else to say or what else to do.
I felt myself losing her,and it was killing me.
There was a terrible,helpless silence. Finally, I couldn’t help putting the words for what was happening out into the air. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
She shrugged,expressing how futile it must have felt for her. I looked for any sign that she might believe me. There wasn’t any.
“Elijah,”she said, “until a little while ago, this was the most wonderful day of my life. It was more wonderful than you could ever know, and more wonderful than I could ever tell you. The two of us being together, at my place, in your bed…no one has ever made me feel so…I can’t even…” She choked up, words failing her, and I shared the feeling. “I can’t explain how you made me feel, and what I started looking forward to. And then,he…”
Like me,she couldn’t even say Kane’s name after that. I was lucky she even wanted to saymyname.
Corinne loweredher head once more, a gesture that absolutely killed me. The damage was done.
Again,I put out unthinkable, painful words; words that I should never have had to say. “You don’t feel safe with me now, do you?” She shook her headno,and something just shriveled up inside me. “Now that you’ve seen this part of my past, and I’ve told you how things used to be with me, it makes a difference. I can see that. You won’t look at me the same way anymore. You won’t feel the same way around me. It’s like something’s broken, and I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.”
She facedme again and there was a tear in her eye. Whatever was left of my heart was crushed, knowing that my past had put that tear there.
“I want us to go on,”I said. “But, we can only go on if I know you don’t have any doubts about me. We can only go on like we’ve been today if I’m sure you believe my past isjustmy past, and you can find it in yourself not to be afraid of me. If you’re suspicious about him, or some other part of my past, coming back, then it can’t work.
“I’m asking you,Corinne, can you let go of your doubts? Can you be with me without being suspicious and scared, even a little? Because I can’t live with just part of your trust. I have to have it all.”
She openedher mouth to say something, and just for a second I had this little flicker of hope. But, there was no hope in her expression when she opened her mouth. She closed it again. She just shook her head, not wanting or really needing to say what she was thinking.
I rodethe elevator with her back down to the lobby and waited with her until the cab that I called showed up. I kept an arm’s length or more between us the whole time, and we hardly said a word.
At least,she let me pay for the cab to take her back to her apartment.
CHAPTER22
Corinne. Sunday
How was it even possible?How could what should have been the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me have become such an absolute nightmare?
I had been “saving myself”for was a man special enough to allow him to do it, a man who mademefeel special enough to let it happen with him. And, I honestly believed, or let myself believe, that Elijah Bennett was that man.
Elijah Bennett wasmorethan I could ever have hoped for, or so I thought. Not only was he the single most beautiful man that I’d ever seen, he belonged to a world whereeverythingwas good and beautiful and the best that it could possibly be. With what he’d made of his life, Elijahhadto be special enough to let it happen. Hehadto be wonderful enough to give him my first time. Being a billionaire, I’d thought, must mean Elijah’s whole life was bright and clean and shiny.
I feltlike the stupidest person who ever lived. Money doesnotmake a person’s whole life bright and clean and shiny. Money is just the rug under which someone sweeps the dark things, the dirty and ugly things.