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I went to work late. When I got there, Barbara asked me if I was all right and if there was anything going on that she should know about. I suspected she’d heard or read in the news what happened in my lobby and was trying to be discrete. I hadn’t looked at the news or much of anything else, so I didn’t know what had or hadn’t gotten out to the public.
All that I told Barbara was that there was nothing going on and that I was not in to callers today, not even Leo. She gave me a surprised look, but respected my wishes and let me trudge into my office and shut the door hard behind me.
As late as I’d gotten there, I wasn’t there for long. At lunchtime, I came trudging back out, my face probably looking to Barbara as if I’d rip out the heart of the Devil himself if he came up to me just then. I told her I was leaving early for the day and left without another word, not even bothering to glance behind me for what must have been her very curious and concerned reaction. Poor Barbara, my mood wasn’t her fault. And there was only one thing I could really do about it.
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I lost track of the number of reps I did on one of the arm machines at Diamond’s Gym, but I was at my sweatiest and my most sore that afternoon.And why the hell not? My heart was sore enough; why shouldn’t my body be sore to match?I thought. I never did arms and legs on the same day, but I was fit to make an exception. I’d be sore all over, and maybe the aching of my muscles would take my mind off other pains.
Ben had been standing at the leg machines that I had my eye on, quietly watching me work myself to the point of punishment. From the look that he gave me, I could tell my friend wanted to say something, but he was keeping his mouth shut until, at the end of how many reps on the arm machine I didn’t know, I stopped and sat there, sweating and puffing, and Ben finally came over.
At first he just stood with his arms crossed, silently trying to decide what to make of me today. He’d seen me in all kinds of moods, but it was a safe bet that he’d never seen me quite like this.
“What?” I asked him, breathing heavily.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
I slumped my sore shoulders a bit and said, “I don’t think so.”
He shook his head and screwed up his lips a bit, then said, “Look, Elijah, you know how much I’ve always respected you. You’re one of my very best friends. And, I know how self-reliant you are. You had to be, to get where you are. But, there are times, Elijah, when it’s okay to pull out the cork and let the feelings out. You can talk to me. So, talk.”
Ben’s caring, his understanding, his complete lack of judgement, his concern for me and nothing else...Why couldn’t I get from my own father what Ben was giving me?I wondered. Sometimes, I realized, it takes a friend when no one else will really do.
“You remember Kane Marcus,” I began.
He looked just about as happy to hear that name as I was to say it. “Yeah. I remember Kane.”
“He came to my house Saturday night. He was hopped-up on something, high and crazy. We got into it. He got arrested. And this morning, I got into it with my father about it. I had words with him. It’s not so unusual, Dad and me having words. But, I let him have it harder than usual this time.”
“Your father doesn’t thinkyouwere on something, too?” Ben worried.
I shook my head and ruffled my hair. “I don’t know, I don’t know. “I wouldn’t put it past him to think that. If there’s anything bad to think about me, that’s right where my father will always go.”
“Okay,” said Ben, calmly, acceptingly. “Okay, you fell out with your father. It’s not the first time. You’ve patched things up before, or at least gotten back to where you could speak, even if there wasn’t anything good to say. At least, you and he have always gotten back on arguing terms, I’ll put it that way.”
He paused meaningfully and gave me an even more meaningful look, as if with his eyes he could open me right up and see right inside me. Then, flatly, directly, he asked, “So, what else is it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re used to fighting with your old man. Whatever made you want to work this machine ‘til you nearly dropped wasn’t about him. So, what else is it? Tell me.”
Too tired to make the effort to deflect his question or pretend with him — and besides, Ben deserved way better than any pretense — I was honest. With my heart feeling heavier than any weight or piece of equipment in the place, I said, “Corinne and I aren’t going to see each other anymore. I thought we were starting something, but there’s a trust issue. And if I’m honest, Ben, I don’t deserve her trust.”
My friend reeled back in shock, a kind of shock I’d never seen from him. “What the hell are you talking about, ‘you don’t deserve her trust’? What the hell is that about?”
I gulped. “It’s about Kane trying to attack her, and Corinne realizing what kind of past I come from and that I’m not who she thought I was. I don’t know that much about whereshecomes from, but it’s not the kind of life where she ever knew anyone like me. She deserves better, and I told her we shouldn’t go on. I gave her the chance to find someone she deserves.”
He looked sad and disappointed, and I could tell what had disappointed him was me. It was as if I’d slacked off on a workout routine and let him down in training. All he said was, “If you ask me, shehadsomeone she deserves.”
And without another word, Ben walked off to help someone else.
CHAPTER24
Corinne. Tuesday
It was irresponsible of me, and it was never my habit to do things like it. But, I called in sick Monday morning and spent the day in Youngstown. As much as it felt good to be back in old, familiar surroundings again, I knew I had to be getting back. So, Tuesday morning I called in again and promised I’d be back in on Wednesday. I meant to spend that day driving.