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I looked at Brian, his warm, open face and amused eyes. He had been the one to bring Maggie to Carter. I couldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.
Brian frowned and tilted his head. “Damn. Rejected.”
“I guess you’re stuck with me,” Maggie said. She grabbed his hand and held it tight. Brian looked at her with fondness and skimmed his thumb over the back of her hand. She smiled and squirmed around in her seat, tickled.
But, when Brian looked away, to see Carter’s choice of wine, Maggie stopped smiling and looked at me with her head tilted. She mouthed, “Are you okay?”
I looked away.
The wine came and everyone had a glass. I pretended to sip at mine for the toast, but mostly ignored it after that, choosing to drink the sparkling water Carter ordered as an accompaniment for all of us. I felt more awful with every taste of the crisp, bubbling water, a reminder of how different we were. I could barely afford to pay my water bill and here I had been trying to date a man who could get fancy sparkling water with a snap of his fingers. It was the little things that meant so much more. I could maybe deal with him having a huge house and his own chef, but the sparkling water? It hit me right in the gut.
I stayed quiet and drank my water for lack of anything else to do, while everyone else discussed what appetizer to get. Without me, they settled on crab and artichoke dip with sea salt tortilla chips. The dip came, a massive steaming bowl gooey with cheese and other rich ingredients I could hardly dream of purchasing.
Carter turned to me, like he had noticed me for the first time. “Don’t you want to try some dip? Before Brian eats all of it.”
Brian used a tortilla chip to scoop up an inordinate amount of the dip, trailing melted strings of cheese across the tablecloth. Maggie watched the display of gluttony as if it was the most endearing thing she had ever seen. He hardly even seemed to taste the food and that bothered me. At least he could have savored what he had, appreciated it a little more.
“Megyn?” Carter pressed.
Maggie turned to look at me, frowning again.
“I’ve never had artichoke before.” My voice was very small.
“It’s a little like spinach dip,” Carter said.
I’d only ever had canned spinach and I knew for sure I didn’t like that. “I’m fine, thank you.”
“You aren’t fine!”
All three of us turned to Maggie.
Maggie set her chip down and leaned across the table, her eyebrows scrunched and her mouth drawn down in a worried grimace. “You’ve been so quiet this whole time. I know why. I’m so sorry, Megyn.”
“Of course you know.” I suddenly felt so tired. I wanted to lie down on the floor, right in the middle of this fancy restaurant, and take a nap. Maybe my dreams would be better than my reality. “No secrets between the three of you. Carter told Brian and Brian told you.”
Maggie bit her lip. “I’m so sorry, Megyn. I really am. I don’t know what else to say. They knew who you were already. It’s not like I told them that. It’s just that you’ve been wanting to get out of this life for so long. Carter is such a great guy. I wanted him to know how great you are, too. Maybe he could provide for you and help you.”
Our server came by, a cheery smile on their face, no doubt to see if we were ready to order our meals. She quickly went away again without saying a word. I didn’t blame her. I probably looked pretty scary. I felt scary. And scared.
Always scared.
“I didn’t need your help trying to get a guy,” I said quietly. “I went to the party for you. I wasn’t looking. And I’m not really looking now for someone to take care of me. I’m fine. And I was fine before this.”
Brian resumed eating chips, crunching, his chews exaggerated and deliberate. He studied the bowl of artichoke dip like it was the most important thing in the world. His secondhand embarrassment was palpable. I could have, well, put it on a chip and eaten it, it was so thick in the air.
Carter said, “Let’s not fight.”
I kept looking at Maggie. “I’m not fighting. I don’t want to fight. You’re my best friend. It just hurts a lot that I asked you not to say anything and then you went and made the decision for me. Like my opinion meant nothing to you.”
Maggie swallowed hard.
“Let’s just drop it,” I whispered, on the verge of tears. “Leave me alone.”
I picked up my menu and hid my face behind it.
No one said another word to me for the whole night, except for the server when she asked me what I would be having and, later, if there was anything wrong with it, since I hadn’t eaten much. I reassured her I was just a dainty eater and that seemed to be convincing enough to get her to leave me alone.
No one really said much to each other, either. Maggie and Brian occasionally put their heads together to murmur, in that way couples do, but they never laughed or smiled.