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“Sex isn’t the greatest thing in the world.”
“Spoken by someone who’s never had it,” Astrid says.
“You do not think sex is the greatest thing in the world,” I say with a little laugh. Then I frown. “Wait. Do you?”
“Well, it’s way up there when it’s done right,” she says. “Seriously, it bugs me that you’ve never had sex. Not to mention great sex. And that you’re resigning yourself to marrying a guy who you don’t even want to have sex with. That’s crap. You’re making a huge decision without all the facts.”
“My life is weird. I think we all know this.” But now I have a niggle in the back of my mind.
Becausekissinghas moved up my list of great things and if that can happen, maybe it can happen with sex too…
And maybe I should find out.
That’s dangerous, of course. Because it’s possible I end up really liking it and still married to a guy who doesn’t want to do that with me and then I’m stuck wanting to do it but not getting to.
On the other hand, maybe I will fall in love with someone else.
I have to admit that it’s definitely possible. I’ve fallen in love with Jonah. Easily. Rather quickly.
Maybe it won’t be that difficult at all. Maybe James or Christian will sweep me off my feet. Maybe, if I really let down my guard and let myself consider this, there will be sparks.
Maybe they can make me not care about being queen.
“What if…” I start.
“Yes?” Astrid asks, eagerly.
“What if I did want to find out what all the hype is about?”
She laughs. “Well, you’re not engaged. That’s the first thing you need to start telling yourself. You’ve lived for a long time as if you are. But Torin's never asked you and you’ve never said yes. And he’s actually sent you off to date other men. So there’s no cheating here.”
I swallow. “Okay. Right. You’re right. I’m not engaged.”
“Then,” Astrid goes on. “Definitely wear that dress and go on this date. Go on a few dates. Hang out with men you’re attracted to. You will not have trouble finding guys who are willing to help you find out if you like sex.”
I’m smiling and rolling my eyes. “And what if I don’t? What if it’s not good? Then I can go back to Cara and say ‘hey, I tried’, and then be queen?”
Astrid laughs. “Well, I have good news. You can teach men to have good sex.”
“What?”
“Sure. I mean, no one’s good at it the first few times. Everyone has to learn. And every partner is a little different. So you can help the guy get better. You can’t write it all off if it’s not amazing the first time.”
“Has that happened to you?” Now I wish Astrid and I had talked about sex long before this. This is definitely one of those times when I feel like she’s the older sister.
“Sure. I’ve been lucky more often than not, and the guys have definitely known what to do. Which is awesome. They helped me figure out what I liked. But there were a couple who I really liked but who weren’tquitethere, and I was able to coach them along. A really great guy wants it to be good for you, so he’s definitely willing to learn what you like. Butyouhave to know first. You need to have sex to figure out what you like and what does it for you. And whatdoesn’t. It’s a lot like figuring out your favorite wine. You have to drink goodandbad stuff to know what gets you excited.”
I think about that. This makes sense. And gives me some hope. Still, I say, “It would be easier just not to have sex.”
“Easier. And fucking sad,” Astrid says. She’s quiet for a moment, then says, “Okay, you told me something very vulnerable and I’m gonna tell you something now.”
I frown and sit up straighter for some reason. “What?”
“I don’t tell you all this crap because I know it worries you. But we’re having a moment here,” she says.
“Astrid, just tell me.”
She sighs. “Okay. Sex has been really hard for me since my accident. My sensation is weird because of some nerve damage, and…it’s painful. My joints and muscles around my hips and pelvis are all crazy, and I just can’t enjoy things like I used to.”