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His voice was so soft, so gentle, so sweet and genuine. And I wanted to tell him, Iwantedto confess it, the words at the tip of my tongue, even though I was simultaneously afraid that once the words left my mouth, I could never take them back, and then I would be naked and vulnerable in front of him.
Forever.
“Baby.” His finger traced my throat. Lovingly. Tenderly. He could be so sweet. “I want to hear what you’re feeling. You can trust me.”
I was terrified. The words rushed out anyway. “That I’m a burden to you.”
I said it. Said it and immediately regretted it because now it was out there and he knew it.I was a burden.But I couldn’t stop the rest of the confession slipping through my lips. “That I’ll always be a burden. I’ll never be strong enough. I’ll always be weaker than you. And I… I don’t know if I can handle that.” I swallowed the knot in my dry throat. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough for you.”
“Tatiana.” He frowned, his expression so serious. “Do you really have no idea?”
I shook my head, my voice thick. “What?”
“You werenevera burden to me. Not only was I always happy to see you, but you were everything to me. I went to Cubato see you.”
I glanced away, my teeth grazing over my freckle, uncertain.
Knight had everything in this world, what was I to him? He couldn’t really mean it. “Don’t pity me. I can handle it.”
He laughed and my jaw dropped in horror.
He shook his head. “I don’t know anyone alive who pities Tatiana Krapivnik. Certainly not me.”
“Right.”
“I’m not lying. I never felt that you were a burden. I always wanted to see you. More than you will ever know. You are everything to me, Tatiana. You are not a burden. You are strong, despite everything that’s happened in your life. Not only in your past, but everything now. Literally in the past few days, you were just forced heroin. And yet, look at what you just did. You went through a withdrawal that was hell andsurvived. You are incredibly brave and strong.”
Was it true?I was afraid of being a burden, but more afraid to feel hope.
"Tell me," I said, my voice a soft croak, "do you remember the exact moment you stopped loving me?"
My heart pounded, dread pouring through me, spreading like a dark cloud through my body. I wanted to know the answer but, at the same time, I didn't want to face it.
To know how it came to be that the man who'd always loved and protected me, even more than my own parents, decided I wasn't worth it anymore.
And then, my breath hitched as his hand tightened, fingers wrapping around my neck. He moved, pulling himself upwards and over me so that his face was over mine, his nose touching mine.
There was a darkness in his eyes that I'd rarely seen before, and his gaze was laser focused in on me.
“You think I don’t want you? That I don’t think about you every day?” He shook his head. “I never stopped loving you. Every day, I think about you, and every day, the very thought of you breathes life into me. No matter what I'm doing, where I am, or how I'm feeling, even if I'm asleep, my heart pounds for you. My lungs breatheyouin and out of me. My eyes see nothing but you. My blood carries your name in and out of my heart. You are everything to me, and don't ever forget that. I will nevernotlove you, Tatiana.” His fingers dug deeper into my throat, his eyes growing more fierce. "You own every part of me, you understand, Polva?”
Did he really mean it? Or was this just some game he was playing?
He’d made a promise to me once before, and I'd believed him. Every single word uttered from his mouth was like a prayer to my ears. It had sucked me in, so blissfully unaware that I’d been consumed by the force of his gravity, a humble star being swallowed by the raging power of a black hole.
"I mean it.” If possible, the ferocity in his gaze grew even more intense and a knot formed in my throat. I'd never seen his gaze so intense, so real and raw, the formidable energy of that black hole coming alive before me. A darkness pulling and tugging me closer.
I wanted to believe it, to swallow down his lies and choke on them. To allow them to spread across my chest and seep under my skin, poisoning my veins until they entered the dull thud, thud, thudding of my pounding heart.
“That day, the day you parents died.” He hesitated, his throat bobbing on a swallow. He glanced away, staring out the window for a brief moment, pain slashing his features. When he turned back to me, the motion was slow and practiced, as if forcing himself to do it. “The day I killed your parents.” His words cut like glass as a memory rushed me.A silent house. A black leather bag full of American dollars. A red ribbon on the dresser.“I’d made a promise to you to keep them safe and I couldn’t look you in the eyes after breaking that promise.” His voice cracked. “That’s the real reason I didn’t wake you. I was a coward. Watching everything that happened to you made me feel helpless. My love for you made me vulnerable, and I was afraid of that more than anything. And so, even though I ran away to keep you safe, I also did it hide my weakness for you. I couldn’t help it; it’s in my DNA, in the way I was taught since birth.Stay safe at all costs.And that was the biggest mistake of my life. I will never stop regretting it. But I never saw you as weak, and I never,ever, stopped loving you.”
And just like that, I was sucked in again, pulled into Knight’s atmosphere, the gravity of my need for him too powerful.
I dragged in a hitching breath. “Okay.”
“You believe me?” he asked.
“Yes,” I breathed, "I believe you."