Page 188

And then, he had complete control over me,whenever he wanted.
"I remember, there was this one night." I'd been talking in the darkness for what seemed like hours, "I'd been married to him for seven months and my whole world was crashing around me. And the whole time, I still hadn't forgotten you.
"I thought you must be out there, enjoying your life, probably in love with someone else. Maybe even married. And she was pregnant with your kid. And you two were so happy.
"And here I was, stuck in Cuba, with no way out, because he'd taken all of the money you'd left me. He kept my passport in a safe, and didn't let me have access to a phone, except to call his number.
"My only connection to the outside world was through him. I was trapped in this world that existed second by second.
"And I counted them all, sometimes. Desperate for something to occupy my mind.
"I would watch the clock, watch the second hand move. They were so minuscule, the movements. And that was what my day was like.
"Watching that fucking clock that I wanted to smash into pieces. But if I broke it, I would get into trouble." I took in a deep breath, feeling lost and lonely and in so much pain as I remembered that time.
"And then, one day, I was on the beach. He'd gone to a party and he knew there would be other women there. Women he wanted to fuck. So he left me at home.
"He'd locked me inside the house but I managed to get out through the window.
"And I knew that I couldn’t get off the property, that he had that tracker installed in my arm and had guards all around the property.
"I couldn't run but I could stare at the night sky.
"So that's what I did.
"I lay on the beach and let the watch inch closer and closer...until it tickled my toes, then my ankles...
"And soon, it was up to my legs and then my chest and my neck."
Knight pulled in a breath, holding it tight, his chest pressing against my back, but he didn't speak, didn't say a word, just let me continue.
"But it wasn't the clock I was staring at anymore.
"I was out in the open and staring up at the sky, wishing that the waves would wash up on the shore and wash not only my body, but my mind, away.
"Because, most of the time, it wasn't only my body that was in pain, but my mind.
"I lived in a trap, something that I could never escape, no matter how far I ran, how many drugs I took, I always came back to myself.
"And I just wanted, for that one moment, to silence the thoughts inside my mind.
"And I was closing my eyes, and the waves were getting higher and higher and I was floating as the waves came crashing in and they began to drag me out to sea.
"And, as soon as I began to move, I opened my eyes, ready for the peace that the release would give me.
"And I looked up at the stars and you know what I thought about?"
“What?” Knight's voice was filled with sadness and agony, as if he was going through these memories alongside me.
"I didn't think about how happy I would be to be gone. To never exist anymore. I saw the stars and I thought about you."
"You did?" His fingers around my waist tightened.
I nodded. "I remembered the day we'd met. That was the first time in my life that I grew to know someone my age. And not only were you my age but you were happy. I mean, you actually laughed and spoke to other adults like you were their equal. And they listened to you, like you were someone important.
"And then, you...you looked atmelike I was someone important.
"And that night after the hurricane, when the whole world around us was destroyed and the ocean was in the streets and the buildings in the city were gone, you held my hand and promised that you would take care of me. And I believed you, Knight." I wiped a tear away. "I believed you. And I clung to that promise my whole life. Even when you couldn't save me, just knowing that I had you on my side helped me get through the worst times of my life. When that man took my virginity, and when my parents forced me to take heroin, and then, when I was taking it on my own.