Page 191

"And you were also telling the truth! It has always been your truth. The only person you gave your heart to was Honey, and that's okay," I cupped his face. "She's a special girl. She deserves all the love you give her." Reaching up, I kissed him, slowly, gently, committing the taste of his lips to memory. "I need to say goodbye, Knight. I'm leaving, today. Now." I had my passport and wallet. That was all I needed. I was leaving everything else behind.
At this, his lip trembled, and he began to shake his head. "No," he choked out, clutching my jaw. My side. He kissed me again. "No, Tatiana."
"Yes, Knight. I'm no longer anyone'spajarita,no longer the little bird, kept in a cage. I need to spread my wings. To grow into who I'm going to be as a person. To fill this life with myself. To be the version of myself that will love myself." I pulled out of his embrace, putting some much needed space between us, before I gave in and stayed with him forever.
"I'll be here, I swear it." His eyes were so soulful, so sorrowful.
I smiled, but my heart squeezed tight in my chest.
Because I knew it wasn't true.
The truth that I was afraid to admit out loud was that Iwantedhim to chase me.God, did I want that.
To show me that he really cared enough about me. To prove to me that he would pursue me to the ends of the earth because I was that special to him.
But I could never admit that, because I thought it was probably better not to want.
And, really, truly...I didn't believe.
He would never chase. He would never care that much.
I really believed this.
My parents hadn't. Rook hadn't.
...And Knight wouldn't, either.
And so, I had to fight for myself.
I was the only one who could do it...
I stood, my heart breaking, bleeding, pouring, all over again. "Goodbye, Knight."
FORTY-FOUR
Rays of light shimmered,bedazzling the coral in bright blues and greens, mixed with the sandy bottom of the ocean. It reminded me of the time I knelt on scorching hot planks, overlooking the water, watching Knight as he scoured the sandy bottom of the ocean, looking for the perfect shell.
The memory threatened to burst through my mind, like air bubbles rising to the surface.
Instead of letting it go, I pocketed it, pushing it down and holding it close.
It was better for me to feel my emotions. I knew that, now.
I was finally getting used to letting them out--to not see my sadness or anger as weakness. But, rather, a way for my body to communicate my needs to me.
Feeling an emotion was my brain’s way of showing me that my heart needed care, just like being in pain meant my body needed attention.
And, just like I needed to eat and drink regularly to give my body energy, I needed to do things to give my heart the love and care it needed.
And Iwasgetting better.
It had been six months of therapy.
Trying different medicines until I found the right one.
Keeping up routines of exercise and work.
And, when the nights got too lonely, I used something to help me fall asleep.