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Besides, many of the women I would need to talk to would only do so face to face, and they would never speak to me with Knight by my side.
I was now facing the truth: that my plans for revenge on Knight was only my way of inserting myself back in his life.
I'd wanted to prove to him, tomyselfthat I was worthy of his love.
My whole life, I'd longed to know it.
To hear that leaving me was the biggest mistake of his life.
That I was the only woman he'd ever loved.
I thought, only this would prove that I was worthy of his love and attention.
I'd thought I hated him, but really, it was myself that I hated.
But now, the only way I could ever truly love anyone, was to love myself first.
And in order to do that, I had to let him go and confront my past.
As I stared at his sleeping form, I pulled one last ribbon from my pocket: the one he'd given me the night of his initiation ceremony.
I'd been holding on to it ever since, but now, I needed to let it go.
Lethimgo.
Let go of the hope that his love would be enough for me.
I had to be enough for myself.
Placing it next to him on the bed, I turned and left without looking back, knowing that this would be the last time I would ever see him.
THIRTY-FIVE
The ear-splitting ringtoneof my phone shook me out of my slumber like an anvil to my head. Blinking sleepily, I grabbed my phone and tossed the charging wire to the side. My voice was a gravely sound from so little sleep. "Dante," I said. "What's going on?"
"Rose is in the hospital."
Suddenly alert, I shot from the bed. "What's wrong?"
"They think she's in labor."
"Already?" Pressing the phone between my ear and my shoulder, I hopped from foot to foot, throwing on a pair of black jeans.First Honey, and now this.
"Maybe. They're still assessing."
"I'll be there in twenty." I glanced at my watch; I'd only slept for three hours. "Anything new about Honey?" Even though I probably already knew the answer, I hated the silence that followed my question.
Then, finally, "No. I'm sorry."
Fuck.Fuck!I threw my phone to the bed, panic rising.
My world was filled with a constant threat, and no matter how hard I tried, I had never been able to get away from it. I'd accepted this as my reality.
And, because of this, I did my best to keep those people at arm's length. Trying to protect those that were innocent—people like Maya—from all the terrible things lurking in the shadows, never allowing them to become close enough for me to care for them.
And yet, the night I'd killed her husband--a violent, alcoholic, abusive dick--she'd been so grateful to me for saving her life, that she insisted I come over for dinner.
There, I met Honey and everything changed. They loved with their whole heart and gave that to me in return. It felt too good, too warm, too soft, too addictive.